Stuck in Holding Pattern

[hopingandpraying]

Ben,

Good point about stop doing what doesn't work. I agree with that whole-heartedly but you're right it's just so hard!

I really am happy for you and your story is an inspiration to me because you showed such patience and understanding throughout.

[ben11]

So it's been a little under 2 weeks since the W and I agreed to 'reset' and start working on R.

For the most part, it's been a much better couple of weeks. We have had constant daily communication, mainly over TM, and have had a couple short phone calls, both initiated by me.

We're definitely behind though in our face-to-face meetings. We were both supposed to initiate a 2-3 hour 'meeting' and so far we've only done 2. In fairness, she was training for a new job which included a flight-test so she didn't have much time. We'll see if anything happens in the last bit of this week.

As I kind of expected, I may have raced a bit too far in front of her. Last night over TM, I asked her how the rest of her week was going. She said she was busy the next few days, but didn't mention Sat. I asked if she wanted to get together Sat and she said 'Perhaps'. I asked her 'What does perhaps mean? :P' and she said 'It means perhaps'.

Not sure if this was right or not, but I decided I wanted to find out if she was feeling like I was pushing much. After an hour went by, and a few other messages with light banter went back and forth, I stuck my neck out a bit:
-----------------------------------------
Me: Can I ask you something? Am I pushing this too much? As in, moving to fast... expecting things too soon?

Her: Its just unfamiliar. We've gone so long without being a part of eachothers lives. Now trying to reintroduce it just feels unnatural at times.

Me: I understand. I'll ease it back. I dont want to push you out of your comfort zone. I get that this can be weird and I dont want to make it worse. I got a little over excited with all your attention I guess

Her: Ahhh I get it. I've just become so accustomed to a certain lifestyle and it's sometimes hard to break from that. I've been used to doing what I want, with who I want, whenever I want, and not having someone to answer to.

Me: I totally get it. I really do.

Her: Anyways, bedtime for me. Good night

Me: Ill just stick with our plan we talked about with MC and not worry about the rest. Have a good sleep. Talk to you tomorrow.
-----------------------------------------

I feel a bit like a dog being smacked on the nose by a rolled up newspaper. I get where shes coming from, I kind of expected I would make this mistake, but it still sukks.

On the positive side, she was very honest with me about her feelings which I don't feel she would've done a few months ago. Before it would be 'I dont know how I feel' or just 'I dont know'. Trying to focus on the silver lining.

Texted her this morning as part of our reset plan to say good morning and to wish her a good day. She responded positively and reciprocated with a positive note.

I think I need to dial it back and let her take the lead a little more.

[sandi2]

I think I need to dial it back and let her take the lead a little more.

Yep, waaaaay back.

[ben11]

Any suggestions? I feel like all I know is LRT and this transition is not so black and white. I believe we're set for another mc session next thursday. I plan to talk with the C about OM and laying all of it on the table as well. It still weighs on my mind, especially when the contact between us wanes.

I guess all I should be doing is what we both agreed upon with MC. I already find she's doing a pretty poor job at keeping up her end of the bargain...

[bustorama]

Hey Ben,

In the transition, yeah you need to be real careful not to smother, pressure, push, etc. She's still a squirrel ready to jump ship. It was almost comedy with my W how much so. I remember the second time we hung out after she had decided to come back and try again, and I was just going off about how much I loved her and all these things we were going to do together, etc.

The next morning she called and left this message about how she just didn't know if she could do this, it all felt so strange, she couldn't force feelings that weren't there (WAS sort of script again).

I had faith in the process (and my past experience) and didn't call, text or respond to her at all. After a few days, she came back seeking me out again. I actually kept pushing her away until she asked me to setup MC, she asked me for date time, etc.

If she seems ambivalent about contact/dating, then you be more (or at least) equally so. When she takes a step towards you, reciprocate IN KIND (but not more so). It's a gradual process, but will feel more natural and if you have patience and trust in it, you will reach the other side soon enough.

You have some structure built in to help you (the scheduled dating, etc.), but even on the dates don't go for the romantic/seductive vibe. Aim for NEW, fun things or activities. New restaurants, bars or activities you may have discovered during your GAL time so you can also share some of the new and improved you with your W. What sorts of things did you guys do as activities when you were first falling in love?

Re: the OM, I suggest you ONLY raise that with your W in the safety of your C office. They do have experience with the appropriate timing of this and in doing it in a relatively non-confrontational/accusatory way that supports the marriage/relationship and can be more constructive. It really comes down to you feeling unsafe with this OM in the picture in whatever form and that is something that needs to be addressed openly and concretely.

[ben11]

Thanks Busto.

I don't feel like I was smothering her too much but obviously all the attention I was giving her seemed too much for her. Other than hugging upon going our separate ways, I havent been affectionate nor dropped any ILYs or talked about the future. Didn't even mention the possibility of us moving in to a new place, which our MC wanted us to talk about.

I gotta say, it's really starting to bug me. She gave me a card around Valentines day saying how she knows how her selfishness drove a wedge in our marriage, and now, after agreeing to this reset plan, it seems nothing has changed. It just really makes me wonder if she's changed at all... Maybe it's common that the WAS seems a bit behind in changing because they don't even realize the things that need changing, I dunno.

I honestly feel like going totally dark again just due to pure frustration but then I'm also going against the plan that we agreed on and it would probably do more harm than good. Or just send her a message saying if shes not going to put the effort in then I'm out. I wont act on these options, but they are on the forefront of my mind no doubt.

Part of me thinks she agreed to this whole reset just because she felt like I was moving on. It wasn't that she wanted to really start working on things, but just didn't want me to move on. Drag me into another few months of limbo.

Okay, I'm done venting. Time to go enjoy the beautiful weather. Already played hockey this morning, time to get on the bike and knock out some kilometers.

[ben11]

A quick update.

Well not really an update considering not a lot has changed in the last few days. Our contact has gone down to exchanging texts in the morning. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. The more I think about it the more angry it makes me.

The thing that continues to swirl in my head is that I'm worried she just isn't the girl I though she was. The girl I married. She seems so far away from being someone who can put a marriage first. I know it's been just a few weeks since she committed to our marital reset, but now I'm wondering if she really wanted to, and not just did it because she felt pressure. It's been about 16-17 days now and she's yet to hold up her end. Not only that, she seems to be avoiding my requests to hang out.

I'm so tired of this. Sick of the same old story. I have a phone meeting with the MC tomorrow morning so hopefully he can give me some advice. I also need to talk to him about how to deal with OM (not sure if hes still around but i need to know and deal with it regardless). Maybe we need to adjust our plan to something she feels comfortable with, or just scrap it entirely and go our separate ways....

Any advice? I know people will preach patience but I'm just so short on it. My tank feels dry

[hopingandpraying]

I completely understand your frustration. I'm going to talk to lawyers tomorrow about filing for divorce because I was sick of being pushed to the side for the past 8 weeks and over the past 4 months my h has changed into opposite off what I married. He too had ow so that made it extremely had for me and I don't know if I could ever get over that.

I am also going to preach patience because maybe if I had not overreacted to some things our stitch dcouls be different. However at least your w said she wanted to work on things. My h never made mention of it and stol doesn't even as hes looking for his own place and quit deed the house to me.

My db coach did tell me that if my h ever made the attempt to work on is that they will be chameleon like...ready one minute and then pulling back the next. Because they are afraid of their own feelings.

[ben11]

Going to MC later tonight. Not too sure what will come out of it, but I emailed MC that I want to deal with issue of OM, and that its a boundary of mine, and if she's not willing to deal with it (ie: NC letter), then I'm simply not interested in pursuing this possible R any further. I'm aware of the possibility that if she still is in contact with OM, that she may not be willing to break contact. I'm prepared for that possibility.

Other than that, I'm just going to go with the flow. I need to find a balance between being patient, and putting myself in situations I don't want to be in. This S is no longer working for me. If she's not going to make the commitment to work on M, and ACTUALLY follow through with the commitment, then I'm going to have to get on with my life. That I'm also prepared to do.

I will do this in as 'DB' as possible. I will validate her feelings, and only put my foot down when my boundaries are crossed, other than that I'm willing to see what happens.

Still waiting on MCs reply to my email... might update before MC with his reply, and a possible change in some of my 'gameplan'.

[ben11]

Went to MC last night. Not really sure how it went, but I suppose as far as saying what I needed to say, it was good.

General theme is that she doesn't know if we can ever have the connection needed for a healthy marriage, and I don't think I can continue on without OM being completely gone from the picture.

Because in W's eyes, we never once had the connection she feels she needs in a marriage, she's having a very hard time with our reset plan. She felt like it was forced, and our communication was very surface-level. MC tried to hammer home with her that its of course going to seem like that at first. We've had about at year of distance between us, and if someone told him to get in shape for a marathon, he couldn't do it in 3 weeks, it would take several months of hard work. He has no doubt in his mind that we can make the connection W expresses she needs. I believe it too, but don't really know what I can say to 'convince' her of that, so I said nothing.

As far as OM is concerned, she still does talk to him from time to time. She says its more just keeping in touch, and that he's a part of her brothers extended circle of friends, and they're all in the same industry so she's bound to run into him anyway. I think there's more to it than that. I told her I feel disrespected that she can't cut ties with him and that it's going to be hard for me to want to continue on knowing he's in the picture. She understands, but didn't really say what she would do about it. I never gave any kind of 'him or me' ultimatum, but as of now, our reset plan is on hold.

I'm actually not sure what will come of this. We didn't leave MC with any kind of game plan. MC said he'd email us both with some things and we can go from there.

Upon parting ways, we had a long hug. I told her I'm sorry if I was too hard on her in the session. I'm just very frustrated that we're still in this situation and that I still do love her a lot, which is why I'm so conflicted. She didn't really say anything, but texted me this morning apologizing for making me feel the way I feel, and she doesn't know why this is so hard (to figure out, to move forward). Said she should've told me last night, but didn't know what to say.

I responded saying thanks and just saying I know this is confusing for both of us. Have a good day and good weekend.

So yeah, not sure if this is the beginning of the end, if its the start of another stage of limbo, or if it's the start of something good. I really have no idea.

Just going to take the weekend to enjoy time with friends and reflect on what I really want...