Wow, has it really been 3 months since I posted? Time flies when you're banging you head against the wall.
Nothing new has happened. Still status quo, until I tell H I want a divorce. Yes, I've come to grips and this is what needs to happen.
Here was my night tonight...
H: So are you going to support me in this and vote for me? (remember, he's decided to run for office)
Me: It's a bit late to be asking my opinion isn't it? You've already filed, and gotten donors and gone to political meetings.
H: I did ask you and talk about it.
Me: Uh, no. I came home and at dinner you hung up the phone and announced "I got my first $100 campaign contribution!". That was our discussion.
H: I"ve been talking about this for years
Me: That I realize, however it's been about 8 years with no action. It would have been nice to have had even a small conversation about the impact on the family.
H: No, I remember talking about it, because you said you wouldn't vote for me.
Me: My vote doesn't mean support. I can support you in your endeavor as a spouse, however when I walk into that voting booth, I am a citizen and as such I vote for who I believe holds my best interests at heart- and that choice is between me and the machine. And I said that over a year ago. There was never a time frame or plan of action discussed.
H: So, are you going to support me?
Me: First, I am supporting you. It's your choice, you obviously don't need my permission. Second, I do support you, however you need to know I won't lie. If we are at a function and I am asked a question I will not violate my core beliefs to match your political stance. I won't and I can't. I will not lie about my education beliefs, my religious beliefs, or my political beliefs. We do not agree on most things, so I am letting you know this up front. My career would be blown if I lied or skewed my opinion.
H: You could ask how you can help. If you're waiting for me then that's wrong. ((I know right- that was the kicker for me))
Me: How can I help when I don't even know what the he!! you are doing????
then he tried to throw stuff back in my face, which was a total fail, since 1) he was there in the kitchen when S decided on his trip, 2) we had a huge family meeting when I decided to start my doctorate, 3) H started his master's and there was no meeting or discussion (I didn't even know!) and 4) I decided to apply for a new position and what do ya know- I asked for his and the kids opinions!!!
I am honestly and completely going nuts.
one minute he's saying he values my opinion and my knowledge on things because I'm brilliant (his words), the next he's either ignoring my opinion and the research I spewed from memory or he's not even asking.
Stop the roller coaster, it's time to get off. I'm so scatter brained I can't concentrate on my papers or school work. I was hoping unloading here would help.... not so much as of yet.
Plus side to today? Only 2 days until opening day!!!
I love that squirrel comment!!! That's my favorite saying:)
Different? Since H and I are both in school, and we're constantly doing papers and working and stuff most of our communication is by text (which works for me since I have a record of what he said)
so, I texted him- "Would you be agreeable to having sex?" then immediately regretted it and sent "If not, it's ok, I understand"
mind you, we haven't had sex since before Christmas (deep issue that I can't go into)
his reply.... (wait for it).... I'd love to but I have lesson plans to do.
gee thanks.
Oh, wait, it gets better. 2 weeks later I was home from work early because my contact had gotten stuck in the top of my eye, torn in half; half stayed for 3 hours before I could get it out, the other half I couldn't find for 9 hours!!! Yes, picture the puffy, red, swollen, crying a river eye (have you guessed where this is going yet??)
H comes in, looks at me and asks (I swear to all that is good)... is the offer from before still on the table?
I do different, I get crazy. I do different, I get the same.
Let me frame this a different way... because I figure since you are still posting here, you are still hopeful that at the very least, you can stay M in some form or way...
What do you feel is missing from your life? If you are aware of one famous self improvement guru's six basic, human needs... what needs do you feel are missing in your life, that you would like to fill?
Also, have you been through the 5LL book?
What is your LL and what do you think your H's LL is?
1 thing missing.....happiness. H is not fun to be around, he's not fun to talk to, he's not even fun to go to the movies with (you know that guy who ignores the cell phone off rule and commenting during a movie??... that's H).
But of the 6, the one that is missing is certainty/comfort... duh, he has ADD. I can't be certain of anything, even things he says he'll do and promises.
My LL is acts of kindness, his is gifts with words of affirmation a close second. We couldn't be more opposite.
Oh, and one other thing I did differently in the past 3 months, I lied about liking the flowers I got for Valentines day. I hate flowers, always have (we've been married 21 years, we didn't even have flower arrangements at the wedding, and we all carried only single roses).
Yes, I said I liked the flowers, and yes I lied. So that's 2 things I did differently!!
Yeah, I was kinda getting the sense that you are neither here nor there on the M, which is why I asked the other questions...
The reason I brought up the LLs is just so that you can see that perhaps he IS trying to show you love, just not how you would like it. IF you want to bring that romance back into your M, then maybe the LLs are something you might want to look at and work on.
Happiness? Well sure, you know that comes from within....
So what are you doing to BE happy? You sound pretty good, which I'm sure is because you aren't stressing about the M, one way or the other...
But how are you "finding" your happiness?
On certainty/comfort... you have a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back... so you do have a certain level of that...
Is certainty/comfort what your are missing, or is it your personal motivator? That which you consistently seek?
Because there are two ways to look at the 6 human needs. One is by growth through elevation. Meaning that as we achieve one need to a level we are seeking, we move to the next...
So you have certainty and comfort in your environment, so you would next look to variety... how can you introduce variety into your life?
So it sounds like your core, motivating need is certainty/comfrot as you are looking for it from your H? In what way?
This could be important, because he is providing you with variety (both an opposite and one up from consistency)...
So for right now, let's take your H out of the equation. You know that, for the moment, he is not going to provide you with consistency/comfort...
Where are you getting that, in your life? How are you providing that, for yourself?
Ah, happiness. We all know where to find it, we all crave it, and we all search for it.
Before I continue, let me say I am soooo not a fan of that so called "guru". He pulls stuff from you know where.
AND his 6 basic needs are plagiarized from Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs written in 1943...(a requirement for teachers to study in child psychology)
but I will play along nicely
outside my marriage, I am thrilled! I love life, I am fun, outgoing, a ball of laughs. I do cartwheels, flips, handstands, skip (seriously, no lie). I make jokes, I smile.... you get the point.
I get home, and KaaaaaWhamm!!
And I know why, but that's the part I can't change. For example, if H and I were out, and I decided to skip he'd shoot me dirty looks and make a snide comment. Then the next day he'd tell someone I'm no fun anymore; that I used to be chipper and smiley and fun to be around. (yup, crazy train) He (even after being explicitly explained) doesn't see that it's his actions that prevent me from being fun with him- who wants to even start to be fun knowing snide remarks are coming??
(yes, that's a real life experience)
I crave reliability and dependability. I can not stand double standards and not being true to your beliefs.
H can't remember he gave his word, let alone keep it. H wants it quiet when he's working, but comes in a talks non-stop when I'm writing my papers (and gets huffy when I ask him to leave so I can work) H doesn't ask me to his work happy hours, but gets pissed if I don't invite him to mine, and he crashes my study group at least once a month as if they are his best friends. H parks in handicap spaces to "run" into a store H yells at the kids to pick up their stuff all over the place, but his crap is all over the dining room table.
H really isn't providing me with variety- the stuff he does might vary, but at its core, it's the same thing.
Like the flowers. yes that was variety, but at its core, it was H doing what he wanted and not listening (or remembering me)
I said over and over and over, I didn't want a lap desk for my laptop. I said over and over I needed to pick it out (I have carpel tunnel syndrome) because I needed to check the angle my wrists would be at. H came home with a lap desk. His gift giving goes contrary to listening to my needs. Then he gets pissed if I take it back, and he gets pissed if I don't use it (even though it freakin hurts my wrists to use it)
Are you picturing a rock and a hard place yet, and me spinning in between them?
That's the comfort I crave. I crave to be listened to and HEARD. H doesn't understand that when I say I don't like flowers- I honestly and truly don't like getting flowers; and giving me flowers isn't going to change that, it's actually saying "I do't care what you don't like". When I said I need to pick out a lap desk, it was because I honestly and truly needed to pick out one that wouldn't cause pain, and by buying one for me he was actually saying "I'm not listening to you, it doesn't matter what you said."
Yes I said those same, blunt, exact words to H. our conversation when like this...
H: Would you like a laptop lap desk?
Me: Yes, I've been looking for one. (I even validated!!!)
H: there's one on sale I will get you
Me: Please don't buy it. I need to try them out on my lap before I buy to check the angle of my wrists to make sure it won't cause more pain as I type.
H: I saw it at ---- today. It looks good. It has a padded bottom.
Me: I will go and try it out to see if it hurts my wrists when I type. I have to check the angle it puts my wrists.
H: you can always return it.
Me: I don't have time to make 2 trips to stores. That's a waste of time for me. When I am out, I will check to see if it hurts me.
H came home with the lap desk.
(bang) (bang) (bang)
I get consistency from my work, my schooling and my kids.
Oh, and no D talk last night. I fell asleep before H came in to bed.
First, I totally get what you are saying about the guru. Not my first choice, either. That said, I do see value in the six needs, even if the source is someone else... We are on the same page...
Funny, so much of what you say about you and your H is familiar to me. While I might have been diagnosed as ADD at some time, I do not have the label, while some of the symptoms exist strongly in me...
Still, I have never been the person you describe as your H's behaviours... More, I see those behaviours in my W...
The "this is what I've decided" conversations and the not remembering promises thing... never mind promises... not remembering conversations, often enough... This isn't new for my W, but it is stronger these past few years, for certain...
I get where you are at and frankly, that is where I was at before bomb drop... I was unhappy in my M... or at least, I wasn't getting my needs met and truely, I was not meeting the needs of my W, either... but I was OK with settling for what I had... until the pressure really started from my W and then she dropped the bomb...
If I didn't feel the need to move out, and nothing changed with my W... I'd probably be in your sitch...
That reminds me... every year I do a back flip to see if I still can... I think I'm due...
I know you say that life outside your M is wonderful... and I get that you are frustrated but continue to expect nothing more from your H and your M...
It still distracts you...
You hope for... you want reliability and dependability from him... I totally understand... my W gave me consistency... and sometimes she gave variety... well, it was planned well in advance, but it was variety... lol... but what I never got, or rather, what I was seeking but didn't get, so I withdrew, was connectedness... a desire from her, to just be with me... to go out, just the two of us... to just spend an evening out, together... no one else... no kids...
Anyhow, I'm still seeking to fill that need right now, but now I am seeking to fill it outside of the M. If I had hope to save the M, it would be in a more benign way. It still is, but I've opened myself to the possibility of "more" than benign...
So where I'm going with that is, I do understand that you are seeking that from your H. But what if that doesn't happen? How can you fill that need, elsewhere?
Or rather, how can you further develop your external life in a way that is gratifying, serving you, and fulfilling your needs, that when you go home to the H, his crazy doesn't affect you?
How can you find a way to stay away from his crazy? Busy yourself in a way that is MORE away from him?
IDK... I'm stretching here...
But you are frustrated with him, it seems... so the answer... the solution... would likely be detaching more so that his craziness really has no bearing on you...
Another possibility is... change yourself in the sitch to change the sitch...
You mention that your H is a grumbly fart when you are trying to have fun around him... and it bothers you... so you join him in his negativity...
I wonder... what if you just said, F it... I'm going to continue to dance around the house in my underwear, while I vacuum the floor and I don't care if he doesn't like it, because that is who I am...
Would you be prepared to do that?
I'd put big bets on... the sitch will change REAL quick if you stop letting his crap affect who you are...
I just want to add my back story if you don't know...
So here I was... when W and I got M, I was an independent consultant. My schedule and my earnings fit well into our R. Her schedule and her earning stability complimented, or rather supported our R and I supplemented. But... I was able to be flexible to the needs of (at the time, D14 and then soon, D9)...
Any time that my W would stress her desire that I get "a real job", that real job interfered with her desire for my flexibility (ie. I had to work weekends, or 12 hour shifts, or graveyard)... so I would go back to independent work...
About five years ago, my W began the job pressure again... So at this point, D9 was 4. This was more of the same and I expected the same results in the past, so I tried to do more by way of independent earnings... but again, this began to interfere with my W's desire to have me at her beck and call... she'd say that I functioned in the family when it was convenient for me... I see things a little different and when she needed me, I'd sacrifice earnings and the loss of customers, in order to conform with her schedule...
So as the pressure built, I finally came across an opportunity that, while it was hard work and did keep me away a lot of hours, I was still able to staff so I was able to maintain some flexibility... in my eyes, it was a happy medium...
It wasn't what she wanted, but rather than do the same thing in response to her requests, I admit I made an executive decision that served a number of mutual goals...
I changed the sitch... and the sitch changed... dramatically...
At that point, that is when my W decided to GAL... and her GAL activities began to... specifically and pointedly, my W let me know... exclude me... to which followed, six months later or so... the bomb drop... and that's when I stood up and noticed and became the behavioural role of the LBS...
What's the point of saying this to you?
Well, the reality was that neither my W and myself were happy. Rather than following the same pattern, I chose to do something different, even as it stayed within the parameters and core of whom I am...
and then... many choices were made... by both my W and myself... that were based on that change I made in our sitch...
The choices and changes that we both made were destructive to our M. We both could have chose to change in constructive, M friendly ways... but that was not the case...
So if you choose to do something different... and I do hope you do, or you too will join crazy... lol... I do hope that the choices that you make, first and foremost serve you... but secondarily... that the choices you make after that fact are M friendly... even if your H may make different choices...
We are on the same page...