GM they are NOT the same people we married. The person you married WOULD be sensitive BUT this is NOT that person. I too was shocked. I can home for lunch, to my h painting our house. He had taken a break and was on the phone with a friend and told him I was home for lunch and he had to go. I made some funny comment about us having two houses now (one rental)and this would be a good time if we wanted to seperate.....(I was totally kidding and had NO IDEAL that he was about to drop the bomb). He said...."I think i would leave you IF I wanted to". I said ok and laughed. We walked upstairs, his phone rang and I questioned why he didnt answer. He started crying and said he wanted a divorce. Talking about being punched in the stomach. I had the life knocked out of me. No seperation.....wanted a divorce. Three months later he made it happen. You are NOT alone here. We have all been thru this and we are here for you. Breathe! Now get it together for you and your kids. He is off in outer space and is sadly only thinking of him. Hang in there, you will be ok I promise!
I guess my H is going to punish me for our spat on the phone the other night. Basically, I gave him a reality check and he dealt with that by hanging up. He got paid today and even though he has systematically put money in the bank to cover the mortgage and bills he hasn't done it. He continues to traumatized me. After everything else that he's done now I have to worry about how to pay bills. I also need to pay my attorney a retainer so that she can respond to the divorce that he dragged me into. Can I also say, after working all week (forgive me, but I'm not use to this) I'd like a stay-at-home spouse like he had and didn't appreciate. I'm dead tired and emotionally exhausted and I'm faced with kids that need dinner and attention, a house that's in disarray, etc. What happened to my life??? What did I do that was so horrible that I deserved this? I know I will adjust and get through this, but I'm feeling resentful for being put in this situation while my H controls the money (at least for the moment), he only has to take care of himself and he likely has a gf or is at least dating. How would I even do that if I wanted to since I'm raising two kids on my own. I continue to read about MLC just so I can be reminded that my H isn't well otherwise I'd continue to drive myself crazy wondering what I could have done differently.
Hi GM...with MLC, you are dealing with a teenager...at best...as I have learned, so keep those expectations super-low (as in zero).
So, with all your change in circumstances and LIFE...maybe prioritize...
Kids and job...HIGH priority H's crap...LOW Attorney...MEDIUM (?? haven't been there myself, so IDK) House Disarray...LOW
etc, etc...YOU know best for YOU, YOU make your OWN priorities now.
None of us here deserve what we have been given in totality, though we did have some responsibility for the M's demise, and that must be acknowledged and worked through, look at my sitch for what I am taking responsibility for as an example. Man, it was hard to accept that about myself, harder than it was to actually fix myself, in the end. I had to really look at and work that aspect to finally emerge out of victim-mode (but that's just me, who became the LBS out of the blue (as the one who was the provider for the family and SAHM).
You interrupted his perfect plan that HE made without taking into consideration all possible responses from YOU...NOT your fault, he should have taken all possibilities into consideration...but you will get the MLC spew, blow-off, blame, etc, etc.
YOU have taken the first necessary steps to move on without him (job, etc), and he will not be there for a while, if ever. I shy away from saying that, though it is in the realm of possibility, because I am an optimistic person and believe all problems have a solution...I have learned though, that not every problem is my problem to solve via my W's MLC...it is THEIR problem...please get that...at the end of the day, it is THEIR problem. Acknowledge your part, but focus on THE KIDS and YOU.
They are own their own journey, you weren't invited, but you do get your OWN journey...people have said on here to look at this as a gift...a gift of time...to remember, re-invent YOU, to re-learn, re-create YOU...that you may not have received if things remained status-quo.
The advice on this forum does work, YOU have to regain YOU, and accept this reality (as much as it blows chunks), for YOU, and your kids.
Some one here posted the following:
Quote:
Ever wonder if maybe…..just maybe, you were chosen to deal with this because a greater power knows that inside….. you can handle this?
Let that sink in...
YOU can do this!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Oh I feel for you... I remember when I got served with my papers! At least I got them mailed to me and found them in the mailbox on the way to work.
I wasn't suprised but shocked. I ended up emailing my H when I got the divorce papers because he had the kids with him at the time. It was then I got the explanation as to why he didn't tell me he filed when he did. His email indicated to me ( and I've read it at least 10 times or more) that he made this decision when in the throws of extreme emotion. And as far as he was concerned there was no point in turning back, and he hoped that this would make him happy.
After educating myself so well, I now know he was in the midst of MLC spew when doing this. I also have a strong gut instinct his OW and even his cousin were pumping him up to do it too, but have no solid proof.
Your sitch and H really seems similar to mine. I was a SAHM for 10 years, but did have to go back to work almost 3 years ago due to H losing is good job. It really is tough having to go back to work. For me it was watching my kids be upset I wasn't home all the time and the transition not being easy for them that was the hardest. Also me having to let go of the fantasy that I could still be a SAHM after the kids were in school full time so I could have time for ME..and get my house back into order.
Oh ya, the house in disarray...been there, still doing that, every day! Don't beat yourself up. Get into your new groove, for as long as it takes. For me I have to clean house on weekends. I am so busy, and then so tired from work, I do what needs to be done, or not, and just take it one day at a time.
In regards to how you feel about your relationship with your husband, well every emotion and question you're having is exactly what I've felt!! I for one was relieved to see someone else post it! Now I don't feel so ...odd.
Missing the "friend" in your husband, and wanting to come home and tell him about your day...but now you can't. Pretty lonesome isn't it?
The money being controlled by him.... yes Im still dealing with that too. I hate having to constantly remind him he needs to pay me...but when the divorce is final that will be a relief. He will pay through the state and if he is late with them, then they can haggle with him, not me.
The deep connection you feel with him and wondering how on earth will you ever even want to connect with another man? Or would you ever have that with another man?
You know I think what is the hardest for us LBS and even SAHM's, is think of how our identity has been built up around our marriages, family unit, and how we've managed it all? This was our life for many, many years. I don't know about you, but for me I wouldn't have traded my SAHM years for anything in the world. Infact I would've been content to stay that way till my kids were grown and on to college.
I ran into an old mutual friend a couple months back at the grocery store. She and her boyfriend were so sad to hear that H and I split...as many other people have been too. She said something to me that really rings a bell with me. She said:
"We all grow in different ways in our lives. But sometimes, unfortuneatly...we just don't grow together".
Now at first I resented that comment, but I now understand why I did. See, this MLC crap and choices my H has made does NOT represent growth to me. But see this is because Im taking it at extreme face value here and not digging as near as deep as this will run for him eventually, and of course myself. I was not seeing the bigger picture.
For me, I feel that the biggest growth comes from making the conscious choice to dig yourself out of life's relentless chaos. Some or alot of this chaos is created by ourselves. Perhaps the MLcer is creating a huge scenario of chaos for them to learn many lessons.
To us we can't even fathom what they've done, or their thought patterns. It makes no sense, and is completely irrational. WE never would go about issues in the marriage this way. We can't imagine ever being so hurtful and deceitful to another person. WE have empathy.
Being and LBS is a journey in itself, and as painful it is, the most complete head on course in life we could ever take. We make the choice to roll our sleeves up and do the work that needs to be done. We keep at it. Day after day.
The MLCer, well it looks like they're off in tra la la boom dee ay land. And they are temporarily because many of the things they do are just bandaids or distractions from what's really lying beneath and grinding on them from deep inside. They just dont' know it. But eventually, depending on how good they are at running, it will catch up to them.
Now imagine what it's going to feel like when they come to grips and realization of the pain they caused during this? And it all in vain?
I think a lot of times in MLC it's not so much a case of a couple growing apart, but the MLCer regressing rather than doing the work to grow and deal with life on life's terms. Sometimes going in different direction is just running away.
I think a lot of times in MLC it's not so much a case of a couple growing apart, but the MLCer regressing rather than doing the work to grow and deal with life on life's terms. Sometimes going in different direction is just running away.
Yes, Very True! I figured out that my changes from 3 years ago were a large part of his MLC.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thank you so much for all of the replies. After a hectic week it was nice to be with my kids, work in the yard and just basically do everyday things. While I was out running errands I couldn't help but notice all of the couples holding hands (lots of older people who probably have had their struggles, but still feel connected) and dads out with their kids. The boys and I are really missing the connection that we had and can't understand what my H has gained by his choice to leave. I guess it's not for us to understand, but rather except. I had to text my H today re money. I hate having to do that! We got it sorted out without too much drama, including him paying my attorney's retainer. However, he did say that all of the expenses will have to be calculated by our attorneys and divided. I texted back that I'm not paying for a divorce that I don't want (what a waste of money!). Not surprising, I didn't get a response. I also told him that I wanted limited contact with him since most communication can and should go through my attorney. I think he will respect that since he only contacts me about finances and house matters. I've read that many MLCers contact the LBS quite a bit, but mine hasn't.
My H continues to contact the boys, but they don't respond. They get that him wanting to see them is more about his needs then theirs. What they need is their family back together and he doesn't. When he has talked to them it's all his justication for why he had to leave. His latest text started with "I hope you can find it in your heart...." Again, all about what he needs from them. He hasn't said anything that indicates that he really wants to hear how they feel.
So I keep going back to what has he gained by all of this? He lives in a tiny studio apartment in a bad neighborhood, has the same job (good, but not satisfying), doesn't see his kids and has less money since he is supporting us. Is that life really better? I would have thought that after awhile he would have missed his life with us, but I guess not. It's almost like he feels compelled to follow through with his plan which includes divorce. I've read tons of information on MLC and it's still so unbelievable to me.
I'm continuing to work on detaching. Since I'm so busy I get through my day pretty easily. However, I continue to struggle with wanting to share my day with him. I am also still wearing my wedding ring. I just need to feel like I belong to somebody even though I know I don't. My ring means something to me still. I know it's a sham, but I just can't take it off. I can't except that my marriage is over even though I've been forced to go through the steps of divorce. I truly know the divorce won't be called off. Six months just isn't enough time for the MLC journey. For me, the best thing is NC. Life seems pretty normal until I have to deal with my H. Then all of the hurt, anger and loneliness comes back. Maybe in between contacts with him I'm in denial. I wish I knew how he spent his days and what goes through his mind. Does he feel happy, relieved, lonely, depressed? I don't know why I care. Clearly I'm not quite detached. Why am I struggling with this? I know my feelings say more about me and the work I need to do on myself.
You're doing so well, you really are. You are still walking forward, not missing a beat and carrying on.
I know it's got to feel miserable, but you're still marching on. That's what I've been doing for a year.
I wanted to let you know that I too do pretty well up until I have to deal with stbx as well. What you're feeling is normal and expected. And yes all the hurt, anger, and resentment coming back is normal and I go through it too. Im really having a hard time of it this week. If I have a week where I have alot of contact with him, Im all out of sorts. Depending on what the contact is about and how much it is, it can take me 2 - 7 days to get back on track. And then...here he comes again. I've been working on forgiveness, but when I have to deal with him alot it's nothing but 2 steps forward 3 steps back.
The only way I know how to get to a place where I can really start to get a leg up on forgiveness is to have NC again. So I understand where you are in regards to wanting limited contact with him. Given Im experiencing the same thing, I think it's a good idea.
Thank you, kimmerz! Also, I'm reading the Jed Diamond book that you recommended. It's really helping me better understand what's happening and helps me stay in a place of compassion. I'm so grateful to you and the others for sharing your experience and wisdom with me. Isn't it amazing the time and energy that we put into understanding, excepting and forgiving someone who hasn't a clue as to what's happening to them. I'm praying for healing and happiness for all of us.
