So sorry about your situation. I am hurting tonight as well and feel your pain. You have done so well, you should be so proud of that.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
That's very unfortunate. Sorry, C. I had my money on it not happening, though there were some mixed messages along the way. I still see a crack in the veneer, though. And in a twisted way, there is something positive in at least knowing how she feels -- right now.
Now I'm torn between the idea of continuing on as you are, because a good relationship between the two of you even as co-parents is the best thing for your son, and alternatively considering going dark for a while. That might be appropriate, but I'm fearful that would just confirm her suspicions, even though it's not true. So I guess keeping on is the right thing for now. Only you can decide when it's time to cut and run, and it doesn't sound like you're there at all now, thankfully.
i totally agree with NWL. My d. is probably going to be done in a couple of weeks. We have no kids together. We are in the middle of ugly $ property settlement issues. We never see each other, talk mostly by email, only about d. But you know what, time is our friend. Who knows how h. is going to feel when he moves back into empty house. I don't think ow, but even that can come and go. I was m. 17 years. They say 1 month for every year. Could take a couple of years for me. If it ever happens. But I am trying to know I will be ok. I am thinking you need to do some detachment, but I am new to this, so I don't like giving advice. But, you have a little child, that will always bond you. You have opportunity for years to come to show the real new you. Hang in there!
Thanks. Had a text exchange with my wife tonight. Said she is heartsick and grieving. Said that I broke her heart. That hurts to hear. She said heartache and trying to heal is all she can handle for now.
Maybe I shouldn't have, but I asked her if it would be best if I stopped working on the relationship. She said she didn't know...that she doesn't have answers right now....that she is living one day at a time literally.
I guess it is time to figure my next move. I know I need to pull back - but going dark? Is that too much?
But to me that shows she has some feeling for you. The vets need to step in here, but I feel your pain. I feel like my h. is not affected one bit by this. All business. She is at least feeling something. Which says to me maybe she's conflicted. You still have a shot in my opinion. .02 cents worth. Maybe just don't have so many r talks right now. I get her one day at a time thing. You should too.
Crimson, the fact that she's still confused is a plus on your side. I'm sorry if I don't remember, but have you tapped into her love language? Only contact her to demonstrate ur LLs to her. ABSOLUTELY NO R TALK!! THAT'S AN ORDER! And continue w GALs!! Crimson, you have a 1yr old BOY! He'll never be one again. Enjoy him! Focus on being the best dad by lifting up your self esteem/confidence. Be the man you want your son to be!
W loves you but she's like an alcoholic right now. She's so wrapped up she doesn't know how to get out. Allow her the opportunity to get herself out of this sitch. Allow her to make her mistakes so she can learn from them.
rest well tonite. tomorrow is another DB day
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Sorry you're hurting. And you're W is hurting, too. Did you validate what she said, by the way?
As hard as it is, do not bring up R or D talk. Do not ask her what you should do. You're smothering her and putting pressure on her.
She is hurting. That shows that she still cares about you.
She said that she's grieving. Let her grieve. Give her all the time she needs to get through this. Let her do it on her own terms.
She said she's taking it one day at a time. That doesn't mean it's the end. That's a positive. Again, give her time and space. Do not pressure her to make any decisions or even talk about R unless she brings it up. And if she does, then VALIDATE.
Take time to think about what you want to do. Spend with your S. Be sure you and your W are clear on the schedule to avoid potential misunderstandings or letdowns. Do something for yourself.
Hang in there. It's not over until the fat lady sings, right?
Really, GM, you're not saying anything that is different from anyone else. Detach and get a life. That's the long and short of it.
I am trying to let her go as best I can - but somehow balance hope at the same time. All I know is that when I started to take a few steps towards her after she said she was open to it, she pretty much shut back down.
I woke up this morning feeling like it was day 1 all over again - vomiting, not wanting to get out of bed, wondering how I will make it through a day of work. The problems seem to keep mounting and I am losing the ability to stay focused.
I am trying to make the bet of it, but the hurt is fresh all over again. I will back away and let her be.
She's still talking to you, that's a good thing. She hasn't said she has all the answers and wants nothing to do with you, that's an even better thing.
So, what now? First, if I could offer something from my own sitch. Perhaps it's just the difference between men and women, but it actually blows my mind that my H can do something very hurtful to me, and then 20 minutes later expect me to be just fine and interact with him like nothing ever happened. I, at least, don't work that way. I need time to process, to digest it, to "grieve" it as your W described. Meanwhile, he's bouncing around doing his normal thing because he is basically unaffected by what he did, and that actually makes me feel worse because it's as if his hurting me is no big deal. The process of GAL is the most difficult aspect of DB for me as a WAW, because it makes me feel like H is just fine, regardless of the fact that he's left me bloodied and bruised. Worse, he's just doing it as his natural self, not per some DB instruction.
For you, I'm concerned that going dark and GAL'g might just make your W feel worse and like it doesn't matter to you, especially in light of the fact that she shared with you "she is heartsick and grieving...that I broke her heart.... heartache and trying to heal is all she can handle for now... she didn't know...that she doesn't have answers right now....that she is living one day at a time literally." For you to go dark and GAL is the equivalent of you saying, "Bummer for you, but how does that affect me?"
If I said that to my H, I would want him to be bothered by it. I would want him to be AT LEAST as upset about it as I am, because he caused it in the first place. He should be riddled with pain, but also GUILT. I would want him to because then I wouldn't feel like I was going through it alone. Empathy and understanding doesn't look like going dark and GAL'g.
As for going forward, I think you should continue doing exactly what you're doing, but back off a little. I think your foremost desire to reconcile is actually getting in the way of her recovery. You're not "letting her go" so she can heal. Like the nurse that comes into a patient's room every hour and wakes them up to see how they're doing, when what the patient really needs is sleep. Accept the D without it being the end of the world. Just be the best man you can be and be available for her to see that, without trying to fabricate the "family" you miss so badly. She has to have time to heal, and part of that involves seeing long-term that you demonstrate that you recognize how you've hurt her and have changed to prevent it from happening again.
I have just a few more thoughts, but I need to run.
