Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

Well today's session went better than expected. I went in feeling as close to hopeless as it gets. I was truly prepared to official go our separate ways.

We each spoke with the MC for 15 minutes each so he could ask us where each of us were at, and after he had us in together. Basically, we have both agreed to move forward together. We came up with a reset plan with the MC, which consists of some concrete tasks we have to do each week. This includes 1 phone call a week initiated by each of us, each of us initiating a 'date' per week, as well as a daily message of encouragement via text, email, etc. We also discussed some other things relating to moving out to a new place, and some vague timelines.

All in all, very positive. I'm cautiously optimistic. W is scared but I think she's positive about it too. Trying not to get into cartwheel mode just yet, but I'm extremely happy, especially considering the PMA I had over the last few days.

There's still a ton of work to do, but I hope today is the day where things really turned around for me, and for us. Wish me luck!

[hopingandpraying]

I am so glad to hear that you are going to work on things! I truly hope everything works out for the two of you! Best of luck!

P.S. quite envious of your situation with your W!!! Wish we were there!

[sandi2]

EA1 was pretty much nothing, but I still have my doubts about EA2. I'm feeling like I don't know the whole story, and still suspect some form of PA. Not a full blown PA, but at least something. She still talks to the guy and it bugs the hell out of me. We haven't talked about it for a couple months now though.

Was this A discussed in the MC session?

If she still has contact with OM, I don't think she's going to be very receptive to the acts of pursuit the C suggested. But if she breaks all contact with OM, then the MR stands a better chance.

She clearly is seeking something from these EA's that she doesn't have with you.

[ben11]

Hi Sandi,

Yes, we've discussed the A a fair bit in our joint sessions in the past. We didn't in the most recent session. I think the extent of her current contact with OM is just 'keeping in touch', and who knows how often that is. I brought it up with the counselor in our 1 on 1. I mentioned how I'm really going to need a NC letter of some sort, soon. He told me to trust him to handle that with her, so that's what I'm doing.

So far, we're just a few days into our reset plan, and things are 100x better. We are communicating like a normal couple again, mainly over texts. Shes not only initiating, but responding to my messages in a positive and upbeat way. She seems genuinely excited to communicate.

I suggested we go to a cooking class on Thursday night as part of my date initiation. Wont know til Wed if it will work around her new job training, but she said it would be a great idea.

Not trying to get to ahead of myself here, but so far so good. Just need to stick to the plan and not expect more than what we both said we'd do.

[hopingandpraying]

I'm glad things are working out for you!!! Yes, don't expect too much because then your heart will be broken again. I wish you the very best!

So you were separated for 6 months? Was she living somewhere else? How was your communication throughout the 6 months?? I am just wondering for my own situation...I feel lost and hopeless

[ben11]

HAP,

Yes, 6 months separated (and counting). She was living with her parents during this time. The first 3-4 weeks we didn't really communicate much. Then we met up for coffee once and it seemed like things were going to turn around. We were texting a lot more, but still not much (every other day). Things slowly got less and less and we would go weeks without even a peep. It was hard. I felt like during this time, I just wasn't getting the response I was expecting and would shut down.

Then in Feb after a marriage semenar, I kind of went dark for a few weeks which was very hard as well, but something I felt I really had to do. This is when I really focused on GALing. So important to do so.

That kind of brings us to now, where we're in 'reset' mode. Things are back on track. Not the exact track I want, but a track I'm happy to be on.

Hang in there. Your situation could turn around tomorrow, but more likely months from now. And by months I mean anywhere from 1-6 (or more). Take it day by day, get a life, and do the best you can at focusing on your self, and what you can control. I know its tough, but it does get easier.

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks Ben for the information!

Did you bring up the marriage seminar or did she?

I am almost confident that if I don't initiate contact with him, then he won't initiate contact with me, so it does hurt me because he's not the man that I know right now. I just don't understand how any person can just abandon their spouse when no 'huge' significant problems existed.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

[sandi2]

I mentioned how I'm really going to need a NC letter of some sort, soon. He told me to trust him to handle that with her, so that's what I'm doing.

He didn't think he should share with you his plan in how he would "handle that with her"?

[ben11]

Thanks Ben for the information!

Did you bring up the marriage seminar or did she?

I am almost confident that if I don't initiate contact with him, then he won't initiate contact with me, so it does hurt me because he's not the man that I know right now. I just don't understand how any person can just abandon their spouse when no 'huge' significant problems existed.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

She went for an individual session with him, and he asked her if she'd be interested in it. She agreed, with reluctance, but agreed nonetheless.

The thing about your situation about going dark. Is it working right now with what you're doing? No, it doesn't seem like it is. Stop doing what doesn't work. Try going dark. Commit to it for at least a few weeks. Work on yourself. That's your number one priority. Let your H figure it out for himself. You want him to come back to you because he wants to come back to you, not because he feels like he's being pressured or guilted into doing so.

All of us LBSs don't understand why they are doing what they are doing. Bottom line is they're doing it, and there's nothing we can do about it.

[ben11]

I mentioned how I'm really going to need a NC letter of some sort, soon. He told me to trust him to handle that with her, so that's what I'm doing.

He didn't think he should share with you his plan in how he would "handle that with her"?

I asked him briefly right before my 15 minutes with just us were over, so we didn't get into it further. I'm actually not too concerned about it for now. I'd rather find out in a week or two that she doesn't talk to the guy anymore, and because it was a decision she made for herself. If that's not the case, and things are still progressing, and I feel like I need to bring it up, I'll work on that with the MC. I trust his guidance.

Every day is a better day than the last. If and when we hit some snags and seem to be backsliding over a number of days, we can see what course of action to take then. Until then, I'm happy to be where I am. To borrow the analogy from these boards, the squirrel is eating from my hand. I'm just gonna keep my hand still and enjoy it, and not scare it away.