Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

Thanks everyone for reading. Helps to stay focused knowing people you've never met, and probably will never really know, are rooting for you and taking time out of their day to help.

need to continue doing this for at least a few more weeks. If it still doesn't work, I may have to consider something else.

You might need to rethink that, real changes take time to make and become a part or you. Get your mind off her for now and just work on you.

Great current thread here.

Just to clarify, I just mean staying dark. I never plan to give up on GALing and 180s. But in the book MWD says if something's not working, try something else. Maybe a few more weeks isn't long enough to know, but we'll see. I can re-evaluate after a few weeks and through some introspection and the help of you fine people, I can decide to stay the course or alter it a bit.

[ben11]

I emailed our MC on the weekend and updated him on my new direction with the DBing, LRT and all, and asked him what he thought. He agrees that this is a good strategy and no matter what happens, I will be better off for working on myself.

Turns out my MC knows MWD in person. He used to host a marriage show on TV and had MWD on the show to talk about Divorce Busting.

The MC also emailed both my Wife and me in the same email. We went to a marriage conference early February and we both agreed to come in after to talk about it with him. He's now asking if we were still up for it. Any advice on how I can respond? I'd like to go. I do need to talk to my wife about moving out (probably within the next month) and how we're going to arrange for our possessions to be dealt with. She still has a lot of stuff at my place as well as a lot of shared possessions that we haven't really talked about.

I haven't really talked to my wife for the last 2 weeks save for one text message which was strictly business. Should I email the MC back with or without her included in the message, and if she's included, what should I say?

[ben11]

Small update: Ended up emailing just the MC and asked whether it would be individual or joint counseling and stated that I'd be willing to go with W providing she expressed interest.

He copied her on his reply to me saying he was thinking joint counseling. W didn't respond for a couple of days but just got a reply from her to the MC with me copied saying "Of course I will go. I want to".

So, finally. A positive. The last few weeks have been hard, but even though it's just her agreeing to go to MC, it feels like a huge positive. It could still be a few more weeks 'til we align our schedules and get in there, but at least I can feel more confident in what I'm doing and stay the course.

[ben11]

Well, it's been a while since my last update... Hopefully I can get some advice here from you fine people.

Haven't heard anything new on the MC front. Not sure if she ever talked further with the MC to book something (her work sched is really tight so he asked her to give him some times that would work).

Last weekend she texted me to tell me about a new job she got. I was very supportive and we had a text convo about that. I told her I was very excited for her and how great it was, and that I was proud of her for being patient waiting for a door to open. This job should be way less demanding on her time, so hopefully things might start moving a bit quicker than they have in the last several months.

Then the next day I texted her to get together, which will happen tomorrow. I am planning to move sometime in the next month or two. I am going to rent my place out and need to figure out what to do with her/our stuff. The new place will be a lot smaller so even if she said I could have everything, it wouldn't fit. I'm still not exactly sure how to approach this. My goal is to somehow get her to deal with getting her stuff from my place but not making her feel like I'm kicking her out. At the same time, giving her the hint that the door is still open, but not seeming like I need her back.

Any advice on this? Should I bring up the future MC session at all? I was planning to leave it for another time unless she brings it up.

[ben11]

Went out for lunch and coffee with W yesterday. Overall it went pretty smoothly. We caught up over lunch about whats going on in her life, mainly her new job. The convo was upbeat and enjoyable.

We then walked to a coffee shop nearby, where I told her I was planning to move out in the next month or so. In a roundabout way I asked her what she would like to do with some of her shared belongings. She expressed that she wants all the stuff she picked out for us, mainly the furniture. Coffee tables, nightstands, bedframe, etc. Although I dont agree that she deserves it all I didn't say anything. Didn't feel like fighting about it. I can always buy new stuff.

She said she's jealous that I get to move downtown and wishes she could. She's been going for years trying to get her career going and all her friends that slacked off are now doing better than her. I tried to stay upbeat and encourage her.

At some point during coffee she seemed a little annoyed. She said that she feels like she deserves credit for 'molding' me into the man I'm now becoming, the man she always envisioned I'd be. Now I'm ready for my next girlfriend. I didn't say much, but said that maybe she could be my next girlfriend. She seemed to appreciate that comment but who knows.

As for the MC, I did mention it to her. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go. She feels that during the MC, everything seems fine but then after she leaves, it just goes back to the same old feelings for her. She still really doesn't know what she wants from our R. She doesnt want to quit but doesn't want to move forward either. Her words.

Overall, it went pretty positively. I got a bit of R info from her without probing her too far. There were many times I bit my tongue when I wanted to ask her explicit questions like "Do you still love me?" or "Could you ever see us working this out?"

Anyway, back to GALing, 180s, etc. I like the person I'm becoming, and I don't want to lose momentum. Her new job starts in a week or two, and she'll have plenty more time to think about her life and what may, or may not, be missing. I'm getting to the point where I wish she could make a decision either way... this limboland I live in gets frustrating.

[ben11]

So the W and I are going to MC tomorrow morning. The last two days I've been doing a lot of thinking, and although I don't know how what direction I want to take, I can't shake the feeling that I really just want a decision to be made one way or another.

A big part of me just wants to start along the process of getting a separation agreement going. We still have another 6 months until we can get a D, but I feel like I just want to move on. Every month that goes by seems less 'productive' than the last.

It's been a long time since I've felt loved by my W, well before our separation, and I'm just flat out tired. I feel like I've made huge strides to become a better person and she's stuck where she is. I haven't seen any signs of her changing, and now I'm just feeling like she might never be the wife I need.

Obviously, I'm conflicted about all of this. If she went into tomorrow with the game plan of reconciliation, I'd want to explore that first. I'm hoping for it, but surely not expecting it. I just want to move forward with my life. I deserve to be happy, and every other aspect of my life I am. I'm just trying to figure out if moving forward without her is 'strategy' or me actually getting on with my life... I hope it's the latter.

Praying that tomorrow is the start of something new... a new direction... a positive direction...

[lostadrift]

Hey Ben keep ur chin up and be confident tmrw. good luck!

[sandi2]

You mentioned that the sex/passion had declined almost from the day after the wedding. Were you disinterested or the LD, or was she?

Another point was her wanting to feel the "friend" connection. I read a lot of threads that talk about being best friends with their S. I don't really agree with that being what a couple should try to have in a MR. A lot of people could be her best friend(s), but only one person can be her H. That position is completely separated from being a friend. It's so much more than that. I think a lot of couples settle for less by thinking they should be best buddies. Sooner or later, one of them usually go looking for sexual fulfillment from somebody other than the spouse.

Have you ever watched that reality show where the match maker "Patti" has millionaires for clients? She finds women for these men to date, hoping to find them a wife. After the date she calls them to see how they felt about the girl. Whenever the man uses the word "friend", Patti immediately uses very plain English and tells them that they don't want to f--- their friends. Pretty much puts things in perspective. I believe she's right when she tells a man that the penis chooses. A woman can be everything a man could possibly want, but if his penis doesn't agree, then he should never be anything but her friend.

Why did your W have two EA's? I don't think she was looking for friendship with these men.

[ben11]

Thanks for stopping by Sandi.

She was definitely LD. Like most young men, I was raring to go at all times. She probably initiated sex 2-3 times... the entire relationship, one of the times being after she totally effed up and I was pissed at her. "I'm sorry" sex I guess we can call it. It's probably important to note that we didn't have sex before marriage.

In Feb she gave me some 'reasons' she didn't want to have sex. Some included my lack of passion for health. I never exercised, and didn't eat well. I'm 6'2" 165lbs so by any standard, underweight. Sure, I was growing a small belly but I'm pretty sure it was bigger before we were married. She also attributed it to our connection issues. I can answer specific questions about this, but suffice to say, we didn't communicate that well. She swept everything under the rug. I found out about 90% of our real issues after we separated. We never fought about much. I just thought I was being supportive.

I agree with what your saying about not needing to be "friends". One of the things she told me about EA2 is that she talked to him about things that we never talked about. Religion, beliefs, etc. She said they cried on each other's shoulders. Maybe that's what she means by not having a 'best friend' connection. The only issue I have with that is that I have a LOT of close friends. In all honesty, I have about 8 friends that know everything about me, and I know everything about them. I'm not some closed book that has problem discussing feelings and stuff. I just feel like I had no idea what was going on in her head (and still don't) because she never let on to anything.

As I think I've mentioned, she also feared we just wanted different things from life. Her's is/was her career, traveling the world, "experiencing life". Mine was to have a nice home and a happy family. Sure, she wanted that eventually, but she thinks that's all I want. While partially true, I think that's what may have led her to the other guys. They have the same passions as her, and gave her all the attention in the world. EA1 was pretty much nothing, but I still have my doubts about EA2. I'm feeling like I don't know the whole story, and still suspect some form of PA. Not a full blown PA, but at least something. She still talks to the guy and it bugs the hell out of me. We haven't talked about it for a couple months now though.

Hard to take these things she says and determine which ones she truly believes, and which ones she's just telling herself to make this easier. I'm trying to validate both, but its confusing. My friend's wives that know her well thinks shes a bit off the mark on some of the stuff. They know me very well too, and have very good things to say about me, how I've handled the situation, and how impressed they are with my GALing.

At any rate, I'm still lost. I hope tomorrow lead somewhere other than further into limbo land.

[Biker9363]

Keep it up. You are getting there. Focus on you and be patient. No matter what happens, you will be better off for all the work you're doing on you.