Hi, well I've been traveling for a week, away from W and kids. Of course nothing has changed in my absence. I'm still looking at the above as goals.
I don't know if it was the week away or something else. But she is being pretty nice around me.
Then another intense conversation, today. Goals 1 and 2 above - broken. I talk to to much, seeking in vain it seems to be understood. Finally in just expressing that, after things already intense. I get "I'm tired of trying to understand you, I've tried for 25 years, and I'm done" Arghh. I feel so helpless and misunderstood. She is so adamant "I'm not going to change my mind" Help.
She made an appt to talk to a counselor about how to tell the kids. I'm happy about that, at least we'll be in front of someone.
For the most part the niceness continues. We're still on for our conversation a counselor tomorrow morning about telling the kids. Got some great advice from my DB coach on that. I highly recommend them in addition to the support you get here. They are extremely good at sifting through your situation, lining out your options, helping to pick the right one for your situation.
After Monday's "intenseness", she is being pretty nice. Though yesterday afternoon handed me a note with the names of the grade schools she plans on taking the kids to. So one thing those conversations do, and the reason I think I need to stop having them, is that I think it hardens her resolve to push forward.
I think she's believes we're coming away from tomorrows talk with a strict plan and timeline for telling the kids very soon. I'm hoping that is not the case as their are still too many unanswered questions - where they will live for example is a big one.
It appears she has a plan, and is trying to check off all the boxes and when there is anything i might do or say that is contrary to her plan, she essentially ignores it and attempts to move ahead anyway - like giving me the note about the schools.
She plans to take them away for St. Paddy's day weekend, w/o me of course, and the few times we discussed I said i'm fine with it if you can tell me what we're supposed to tell the kids.
So, frustrating when it seems she has the expectation that i'm in complete cooperation and that I may have to lie to the kids for her benefit. When largely I think she just want to go party with her boyfriend while her mom watches the kids. Arrgh.
Would love some advice on this one. Tomorrow is the meeting with a counselor. This was set up by my W to discuss how to tell the kids about what her plans are.
I'm happy that we're going to someone regardless of why. She has been so opposed to counseling so depending on the counselor this could shape up pretty well.
But any advice at all on what I should or shouldn't say, how to act, anything to increase my chances of this turning into a positive experience would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks labug. I did a good job, I think of being quiet, responding when asked, and staying calm.
Well, that turned out to be interesting but I'm not sure it was very productive.
It started out well, and I made sure to tell that C that my W was a good mom, loves our kids, and we're hoping to come out of this with some common goals. So things were calm and happy at the start. The C was impressed that we would come together to discuss telling the kids, means we're both really good parents and are trying to have their best interest at heart during this.
The C then asked what are differences were. W wants to tell them right away so we're all together for the rest of the school year to help them process. I can see her point. I want to wait as long as possible so that processing doesn't interfere with their schooling, sports, plays, etc. The summer is a better time for this. My DB C also helped me in this direction.
The C suggested that we find someone to be able to layout all of our issues with and help us to develop a parenting plan. I told her I liked that idea also as I have wanted to do that for some time. Even though I didn't say it, I was referring to MWD and the co-parenting intensive. But my W, who has been passionately opposed to it, knew immediately what/who I was referring to. I could see her tense up, set her jaw, etc when she gets angry. She got up got a drink, sat back down, and went off telling the C how she hates the idea of going to see someone associated with DB. I immediately tried to back up her up and told the C that I could see why as it might feel like she's getting ambushed.
Several times for the rest of the hour the C would point out the need for us to compromise and that getting some help either from "this DB person, or some other mediator locally" would be beneficial. This only made the W more upset. I'm guessing this is not at all what she thought was going to happen when she made the appt.
By the end of the hour, she was crying, the C offered to see us again. I said I would be open to that. My W didn't really say much of anything and she went out the door, got in the car, drove away and left me there. I had to walk home, fortunately not far and the walk was good for me.
Not sure where to go next. Suggestions? Last night I tried to just stay away, and we've not seen much of each other today. The weekend will have us busy with kid things, and I'm gone early next week for work for three days. Do I bring it up? Do I suggest going again? Really at a loss here.
Update. Friday afternoon, she brought up the counselor. As I guessed, we heard entirely two different things, and i somehow manipulated the counselor. It was bizarre, but in any event, her point in bringing it us was that no matter what "we're going to tell them tomorrow night" I asked her to reconsider but no chance. I said we're just not ready.
Then yesterday, I offered up a compromise. Let's wait just a few weeks, we'll review the plan (made up from ideas of web sites she sent to me) and we'll refocus our efforts on just those items that we need to have a proper answer for the kids. Other than the delay in time, she seemed open it.
But then a few hours later, after dinner, she came down, turned the TV off, and told them. I just sat there with one of the kids in my arms, the other two in hers, while they cried their eyes out and begged her not to do it. I was in stunned silence, just telling them that I love them. Seeing that on their face is quite surely the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
In addition, a couple of things from yesterday are blowing my mind. (Not just seeing the pain the kids went through in telling them about the divorce.) She has so much pain and hurt inside and always reminds me in some fashion that it is all my fault. First, in one of our earlier conversations yesterday, I told her that I looked forward to seeing the girl that she's trying to find, the one that I fell in love with, that one that was going to Stanford all those years ago. She said I'll never get to becuase I hurt that girl.
Then last night after the kids are in bed, she asked me if I was pissed that the kids weren't on the floor blubbering. I tried to talk with her about it but she said she was right about the timing and I was wrong. She has a way of just sticking it to me that hurts my heart so badly.
I can't believe that spending the last 25 years loving her the way I do, and especially the last 5 so dedicated to trying to be a better husband, and better father that somehow instead all i was doing was hurting her. Now it seems she cant help herself but to hurt me back. And that her hurt is so great that hurting the kids in her wake is ok also. I had no idea the depth of her pain, I've trying so hard to love her, be there for her, and help her any way that I could. But instead I hurt her so badly that she says these horrible things to hurt me. I don't want to ever hurt anyone that way again, it apparently happening under my nose without ever knowing it. I really thought we were happy, but with normal arguments and fights. It is all just so crazy.
The kids seem to be dealing ok. The youngest (D5) brings it up in a nice sort of way. The boys haven't brought it up.
The toll is more with me. I'm back to the pain and anxiety I first felt 4 months ago. With the help of my DB coach I'm back to "Friendly Detachment". It is so hard. I'm trying to continue to focus on myself and the kids but working through this divorce stuff is really hard.
Talk to the L on Monday and we went ahead and answered her D papers. So now the work on figuring out the financial docs the state requires and our parenting plan. The next few months with her here in the house and the thought of the fight that is coming because of our difference in what we want for the kids is very discomforting.
Just got drawn into a custody "discussion". She's making plans to leave come June when the kids are out of school. So she can move them to where she wants to live and put them in school there.
I want to keep them in school here, and be taking care of them.
So here's the rub, what's the best DB'ing way to deal with this?
Have you talked to a L? Forget about your M for now. You need to man up and take care of your children. Find out what your rights are as a father and don't let her get away with taking YOUR children.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks MrB. Yes, I have a lawyer. And I am certainly trying to stay focused in the direction you suggest. I do worry though that maybe it pushes too hard, hard enough that no matter what the M will never come back in some new way. But I don't know, so that's why I ask the question.
The custody thing is obviously a big deal. (and just finished a two hour conversation/fight on that and a host of other topics. A lot of venting on her part about what i did or didn't do the last 17 years). She says she feels trapped because of it. She doesn't want to leave her kids to move if she's not taking them with her. Since I'm fighting that, then I'm controlling her, trapping her. It doesn't seem to occur to her that my feelings are exactly the same in terms of not wanting to be away from the kids. So what is best for them? And is it possible that my goals for the marriage may not be the best for the kids (or vice versa) and might have to make that decision?
