Recently Seperated Part IV

[2thepoint]

She was miserable to me today on kid pickup. Didn't bother me. Enjoying the kids. Worked out like a nut today.

3 hours ago this ^^^ was your attitude.

Well. When she calls to say goodnight to the kids she has zero interest in talking to me afterwards. Stings a little but oh well. I've never met someone as miserable as her. Honestly. Starting to get comical how miserable she is. I'm starting to not even want to go to this family party at all.

3 hours later this ^^^ is your attitude?

See the difference? You have got to stick with a PMA and ignore your W's "miserable" demeanor. If you can't do that when she is not around and only inside your head, how do you think you'll be able to pull it off at the party?

BTW, I think you should go to the party, have ZERO expectations regarding your W, have yourself a good time and show off some of the new you. Just don't go overboard.

But..... you have got to get your head on straight if you expect to have a good time and not turn into a basket case before, during or after.

Know what I'm saying, Hamster?

[ThisDayForward]

I see the difference. I guess I was feeling detached. Not that I don't want to go cause of her. I just don't miss the party as much as I was a week ago.

I have another 2 hour session Friday. So we will work on some more things. I really like this guy. He is getting to the root of my anxiety. Deep early childhood stuff. He was confident he could fix me forever. That most of this behavior was not my fault. He motivated me so much I'm taking a class with him on March 17th for 5 hours.

[ThisDayForward]

Is it common for the LBS to start to have feeling of not wanting the WAS back. After starting to work on myself and finding myself I'm starting to have feelings that I don't want this person back in my life. Not sure if it is all the rejection and the venom that has been thrown my way. I'm actually starting to feel this way and I don't like it.

[ThisDayForward]

2thepoint her mother was over visiting kids and she told me she is being short with me because I asked her to keep txt messages to important kids stuff and emergencies only. I guess that boundary I set backfired because now she wont even engage in conversation at night after talking with kids. I was asking for her not threaten me with divorce in the morning and txt me at night like it just didn't happen. Oh well. I have my counselor tomorrow for 2 hours and im going to try to golf and do the gym today. Anxiety is slightly higher then yesterday. I have anticipation going on. She is going out Friday night with all her girlfriends and I envision no rings on. Going to work on that Friday morning with counselor. I slept like a ROCK last night. I guess the work out helped me there. Weening of AD's and see if I can beat it with counseling and exercise

[ThisDayForward]

Ok so not having the greatest day. I'm not detached as much as I thought I was. Had to drop D off today at 1230. Noticed W wasn't wearing rings and for some reason it bothered me today. I guess I remember 10 years ago when I met her and when she stopped wearing the rings from the 1st marriage she was in. Oh and then there was me in the picture.

So I will try working on this tomorrow with the counselor.

M1 what would be a back up plan idea if I get down at the family party? Why am I letting this ring thing bother me so much. I know she is going out tomorrow night with all her girlfriends and its starting to bother me that she will be prancing around with them off. I try to detach from her but having to see her almost every day cuz of kids makes it damn near impossible for me.

Then I have all my friends and family members telling me to get rid of her. It will never be the same even if she does come around. You will never trust her again and always fear she will do this to you again in the future.

One of my friends that I lost touch with and recently got in touch with went through this. His wife took her rings off and that was it for them.

I did get out and golf today and will be going out to play cards. But all this crap is taking a toll on me emotionally. I'm hoping the counselor will rebalance me again.

[cat04]

I guess I remember 10 years ago when I met her and when she stopped wearing the rings from the 1st marriage she was in. Oh and then there was me in the picture.

Were you OM?

No judgement, just curious.

M1 what would be a back up plan idea if I get down at the family party?

Maybe you could politely excuse yourself by saying you have another engagement.

Know what you will say if the time comes that you feel you cannot handle being there so that you can bow out gracefully.

Why am I letting this ring thing bother me so much. I know she is going out tomorrow night with all her girlfriends and its starting to bother me that she will be prancing around with them off.

The truth is, if she wanted to do something, it would matter if she was wearing the rings or not. Please don't make more out of this than it is.

Then I have all my friends and family members telling me to get rid of her. It will never be the same even if she does come around. You will never trust her again and always fear she will do this to you again in the future.

This is up to you.

You can forgive her and rebuild trust if you choose to do so.

No one knows what you are capable of except for you.

[ThisDayForward]

Unfortunately yes I was the OM. that is how me and my W met. We were both in bad relationships.

Why does the W tell me she wants a divorce so bad. Even has it all mapped out with a mediator. But when I put the ball in her court to set up the mediator she does nothing? I mean its a simple phone call. Get this when we talked on Sunday night. I said if that is what you truly want I'll get a mediator for us. She said wait why will you get it. I want this I'll do it. Like she wanted that control still. Then I said fine this is NOT the path I want to take but if you want this set up the mediator and tell me where and when. I told her not what I wanted and put it in her court and she told me nothing. Is it because she feels guilty. I know she truly wants a divorce. I know she does. She to chicken to the pull the trigger. Or is she just going to go find someone or try to find someone and when she does then make the move.

Thank god I have my counseling tomorrow because this weekend ahead of me is going to be brutal.

Detachment is so fn hard. I thought I was getting close and I have moments I feel I am.

I also am having many moments of giving completely up. Its been 3 months separated yeah I get that. Very short. But this roller coaster has been 2 1/2 years.

I'm saying to myself am I fighting for my W or my family. Do I want my W back the way she is? My answer is no right now and I am not liking it at all.

[ThisDayForward]

Cat. I think I could use I got a migraine headache if i struggled as plan b. I get migraines all the time and she would understand.

I just think the ring thing bothers me because of the value I put on marriage. My rings are still on even after all the venom I'm getting. Plus she is making a statement to the public. I'm available. Look at me I'm available. It hurts. That is how I know I'm not remotely detached. [censored]. I wish I was one of those guys who could say F it, I don't care. leave me. See ya. I'm not.

[labug]

As I was driving home from work tonight I was thinking about my life as it is now. I'm coming to believe I was given this sitch so that I could find a better way and become a person who has genuine relationships and can be truly happy.

But it's up to me to do the work, to stop being a victim and look at myself and what I can change. I can't continue to blame others for my life, it's up to me and always has been. Now I choose to accept that.

[2thepoint]

"I just think the ring thing bothers me because of the value I put on marriage. My rings are still on even after all the venom I'm getting. Plus she is making a statement to the public. I'm available. Look at me I'm available. It hurts."

Hey Hamster, you need to let go of the ring as an issue for you. Your W has said she is done, the removal of the rings are a symbol of that decision. You can choose to leave your ring on your finger as a similar symbol of your commitment to the M.

Assuming anyone even notices, my guess is that if they put 2 and 2 together, they'd be more impressed with your commitment to the M than your W's lack thereof. So if you can look at it from that perspective, you will be much better off.

FWIW, My W took off her rings immediately after dropping the bomb. I continue to wear mine. It is going on 7 months.

We often go to events together (i.e. kids sporting events) and I have yet to have anyone approach me about the rings. And frankly, I don't think anyone notices. And if they did, they'd probably be confused because one of us is wearing a ring and one isn't.

So my point is, it isn't an issue in the grand scheme of things, unless of course you make it one.