Jeannine -- Sounds like you both are feeling the effects...I'm sorry for that but happy that you are together, there for each other while the feelings and memories are making their unpleasant visit. Something special for you first then maybe both of you? A hot bath/shower, cozy towels, a glass of wine, just holding hands while he nurses his headache?
Thinking of you...Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
How about crawling under the covers with hubby and help take his mind off his headache !! I do believe you both need each other's full focus and attention today. You want to start over-laying those painful memories with joyous ones. What better way?
Just keep reminding yourself that the events of January 22, 2003, are only kept alive in your memory now. That is not your reality. The reality of your life is a loving, remorseful H and a marriage that is getting stronger day by day.
Well, you are past the bump! Now things will level out again. You must keep thinking you are in a better place than you were last year, a much better place! And next year can only be better.
Your story and what you went through, and where you are now, give the rest of us hope. And believe me sometimes it's those success stories that have the rest of us hanging here praying we get a chance to be one too.
The reason I have very few friends is because of the isolation that I have been living in for a long time now. The isolation is an unfortunate side effect that goes with being a caregiver for two elderly people (mom - soon to be 85yrs and her H - 89yrs) both in the middle stages of Alzheimer's - and all that goes with that.
Sage,
"Sounds like you both are feeling the effects..." My H has been acting differently lately. He seems to be bending over backward to be patient and sweet with me. Sort of an enhance version of his better self. As wonderful as it is, it's also kind of odd . Not complaining though.
Matilda,
"I promise that it gets better." These words brought tender reassurance to my heart and tears to my eyes.
Deb,
"You must keep thinking you are in a better place than you were last year, a much better place!" You're right, I must keep reminding myself of this so as not to backslide or self-sabotage. Sometimes, it just feels surrealistic, or like I'm going to wake up one morning and it will all have snapped back to how it was a year ago. Got to keep riding the crest.
Kitti,
"so what did you decide???" Well, I kind of mixed everybody's suggestions together and ended up taking a nice, warm shower (for me), then made a Caesar salad, my H's favorite, (for him). H opened a bottle of Chardonay (for us) and then we enjoyed a low key evening together in front of the television. I, too, had a whopping headache yesterday, so neither of us were up to anything that required energy.
My H showed up at my class today and we went to lunch together, and then went for a walk in a beautiful park afterward before he returned me to my class. (The lunch and park were HIS idea). When I got back, two of the students told me how "cute" they thought my H was. But of course!
Is there any way you can develop a new friendship or two? I am not underestimating the amount of time, energy and care you put into looking after your mother and her H, but it cannot be right that you have NO friends. Or at the very least, mutual friends that both you and H meet up with?
'Cause not having any friends puts pressure on the relationahip with your S, for expecting it to provide more that perhaps it can reasonably withstand.
Does your H have many friends?
I'm just thinking out loud - don't know the ins and outs of your situation. But EVERYONE needs friends - real ones, not just virtual ones, or online ones!!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Your post is quite wise. "'Cause not having any friends puts pressure on the relationahip with your S, for expecting it to provide more that perhaps it can reasonably withstand." This, I feel, is a very important point.
My H and I do have some mutual friends, however, I think that it would be in my best interest to have a friend or two of my own. This is something that I hope to accomplish within the next 12 months.
Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to meet someone from school who I can connect with, someone I can talk to openly. I do have my counselor, but she cannot socialize with me in the same way that a friend would.
I think that I shall list this as one of my goals for this year.
So I'm AWOL at JUST the wrong time...good thing there are such great folks around here!
Phew...it's OVER, the first anniv of the first bomb is the WORST...at least that's been my experience so far.
Now on the point of "evidence"....
YES I still have my FILE FOLDER full of e-mails, digital photos, letters written etc. I too am not yet ready to let go of it, although I have not even looked through it since Aug when I looked at a few things (yep on the anniv).
Heck, ladies...I have a BACK UP copy of these things in a safe place outside of our home!!
Healing IS a process, things ARE SOOO much better...and yet, and yet...
Jeannine, on the issue of finding time outside of your considerable responsibilities: Are there no services in your area that might provide a few hours of care a week to give you a break?
I know such programs exist here in Canada and it's a Godsend to folks in your sitch.
As for the actual process of making new friends...are you more of an introvert or an extravert? I'm leaning towards introvert, but it's not a sure thing with only text to read.
Why not take your DB principles to school with you? If you tend to hang back or not take opportunities to socialize (grab a coffee, join a study group, attend something on campus) then 180 it! Or even experiment initiating contact...it's a lot less scary once you start doing it!
If you're a social butterfly and I'm way off base, J, I DO apologize!
I think we all need to go AWOL on the boards at times, so I totally understand.
Yes, the official day of the bomb has passed, however....the anniversaries keep coming.... do they not?
This coming Friday will be the anniversary of the day that my H confirmed my newly formed suspicion that there might be an OW involved. It took me waaaay to long to even consider such a possiblity.
The photos my H gave me of OW and the two of them, I keep in my bedroom side table. Since he gave them to me, I figure there's no reason to hide them. What he does NOT know about is the file full of documents and notes I have tucked away in a cabinet. I avoid the file evidence like the plague.
I don't think that it is unhealthy to hold on to our evidence. For reasons known and unknown to me, I view it as part of our healing process. Some things should not be rushed because, as you have stated, this whole business IS a process.
We do have services here in my part of the States, such as "Cares" which I use. I have someone come in three times a week and help out. And yes, it is a "Godsend". I had NO help of any kind right up until about mid 2003 and the caregiving duties were entirely too overwhelming - even without the trauma of my H's betrayal. It is because of "Cares" that I am able to go to school three days a week now.
I'm most definately an "introvert". Socializing has always been a bit painful for me - even as a young child. However, I'm usually fine when around people I know well and who seem to be of the same feather.
One thing that I would like to do someday when my life finds some reasonable order again, is to start a political focus group here at our house. My H and I are political activists and I seem to have a more dominate personality when engaging in political discourse.
I also need to aggressively work on my health. H and I are both predisposed to Depression, and although we are managing right now, it certainly doesn't feel good. I'm also suffering with GAD, (generalized anxiety disorder) something that I'm sure you can relate to Shiny.
Other than that, my H continues to be wonderful and I can hardly believe this is the same man as before.
Anyhow, I think that another echo purge is due soon - just not right now.
p.s. Have you and CJ recovered from your illnesses yet? I hope so.
!! I do believe you both need each other's full focus and attention today. You want to start over-laying those painful memories with joyous ones. What better way?
