Well, I guess I'm not the only one to have a file folder. Somehow, I guess I need to have it around to remind myself that it was not just a nightmare, it was real.
I'm finding that there are far more similarities than differences with many of the situations around here.
In hearing what we have in common, (as unpleasant as it is) it helps me to feel less alone and not as weak as my H would have had me believe - one year ago.
Yea. According him, I was weak, co-depenant and too emotional because I cried and threw-up a lot after he informed me that he was deserting our M and his responsibilities. And then of course, there was that minor detail about him screwing around with someone at work. Apparently, I was enormously weak when he told me that 'he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me', 'didn't think that he ever had been in love with me', 'that I loved him way more than he loved me', 'that he hadn't been alone in a long time and now it was his turn to be selfish', AND then went on to inform me that 'I was a MAJOR mistake in his life'.
So--ok, you are remembering that you H was a bonehead and didn't know s**t from shinola before? Of course you had to be the "defective" one. You've been around here long enough to hear a 100 stories about projection and rationalization when spouses go off in lala land, right? Yeah--it SUCKED, but was by no means unusual.
Put down the grenade, darlin' and pick up a Scooby Snack (lol-re my thread) or maybe Smoked Pig Ears? Bacon Bits? Chewy Rawhide strips?
Quote: According him, I was weak, co-depenant and too emotional because I cried and threw-up a lot after he informed me that he was deserting our M and his responsibilities.
I wailed, moaned, begged on my hands and knees and THEN threw up...
Quote: And then of course, there was that minor detail about him screwing around with someone at work.
The OW became reality when she called here three months after bomb#1...That night I got stinking drunk, over medicated myself, became violently ill and begged CJ to just finish me off as I dragged myself down the hall way...
Quote: Apparently, I was enormously weak when he told me that 'he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me', 'didn't think that he ever had been in love with me',
All of the above...PLUS having OW on a three way call getting CJ to say he DID NOT LOVE ME, but still "cared".
Yup, Jeannine, we all have these horrors, and myriad others tucked away in memory. In a lot of ways, these were the hardest things for me to deal with.
Well, maybe the incredible lies too...
I must say that having CJ tell me (mostly in letters) that this WON'T happen again, that no one and nothing will come between us...really has helped.
And it DID have to come voluntarily, from him. This was very recent.
I know I'm not making a lot of sense at this point, but I DO have a thought here:
Are any of you struggling with reconciling who your H's are today, who you thought they were pre A, and who they were DURING the night mare?
Sometimes I think of it not at all...most of the time in fact. But then like a subtle itch...it's there. How could he have DONE that? (even little things...like making travel plans, lying to his work about the trips...)
Actually, that's one conversation I WOULD like to have with CJ. At this point it's almost at an academic level for me...I'm honestly fascinated to know how a person who is basically honest, loyal, "good"...can DO such things? What do they say to themselves that makes it all right?
Just HOW did CJ feel when he composed that detailed "letter from me" confessing to a two year affair with my ex fiance (which he e-mailed to OW as "proof" I was a cheater first ).
I suppose part of me wants to know so that I can understand, because a lot of it, I just don't.
Okay, I've put the pin back into the grenade - for now.
I know the crap that spewed forth from my H last year was just projection and rationalization of the common kind. Most everyone around here would raise their hand if asked whether they'd heard the same thing coming from their spouse at some point in time.
I'm just processing whatever memories knock the loudest right now. It does seem to help.
However, I must thank you for your suggestion. My dogs and I had a really good time chewing together in front of the fireplace last night. I still have a bit of rawhide stuck in my teeth though.
Quote: Are any of you struggling with reconciling who your H's are today, who you thought they were pre A, and who they were DURING the night mare?
YES!!!
You've nailed it. It's as though there are three different people I've been calling H all of these years. Although they all look the same, they are distinctly different in personality, character and moral aptitude.
Body snatchers?
Right now, I'm trying to get to know the fella who's been hanging around the house and sleeping in my bed. I'm not really sure who HE is.
I mean... I like him a lot and think he's swell and all (in fact, he's my favorite so far) - but is he a permanent resident or just a temporary guest? Am I to expect a fourth personality to show up some day?
Quote: Just HOW did CJ feel when he composed that detailed "letter from me" confessing to a two year affair with my ex fiance (which he e-mailed to OW as "proof" I was a cheater first
Quote: Quote: Are any of you struggling with reconciling who your H's are today, who you thought they were pre A, and who they were DURING the night mare?
YES!!!
You've nailed it. It's as though there are three different people I've been calling H all of these years. Although they all look the same, they are distinctly different in personality, character and moral aptitude.
Body snatchers?
Right now, I'm trying to get to know the fella who's been hanging around the house and sleeping in my bed. I'm not really sure who HE is.
I mean... I like him a lot and think he's swell and all (in fact, he's my favorite so far) - but is he a permanent resident or just a temporary guest? Am I to expect a fourth personality to show up some day?
You have both hit the nail on the head. I've talked about this a bit on my thread lately, and it is a big issue for me. I keep looking at him and wondering if I really know him--is he going to take off a mask and be somebody else at any moment, capable of doing incredibly awful things, or is he a wiser version of the man I love who just whacked out for a while? It's very hard to reconcile, and I basically is about being afraid to trust and let myself be vulnerable again.
so much of what makes the memories so painful is the ability to say they are really over, or will the monster come back out of the closet. You hit it straight on when it's learning to trust again, when it didn't have to be learned the first time around. It helps when the cheating spouse validates that the trust is deserved, but it is still a solo journey. I would hate to think I could never trust again...
Quote: I keep looking at him and wondering if I really know him--is he going to take off a mask and be somebody else at any moment, capable of doing incredibly awful things, or is he a wiser version of the man I love who just whacked out for a while?
You know, Tal, your second notion is what I DO believe about 90% of the time. It's what has helped me heal thus far.
Question is...let's assume this IS true, basically good guys who "whacked out:"...do we NEED to know WHY? Do THEY?
You see, I'm not even sure CJ knows what the hell happened last year.
Is NOT knowing setting us up for a repeat, or other problems? Or can it just be let go?
