Well the 22nd approaches and the echoes are busily swimming up to the surface. I'm alright, but I feel it’s time to journal the little twerps out of my pool because their splashing all over the place.
Around this time last year, I had come to expect not to expect my H home from work before 9pm - 10pm or later.
I had become accustomed to him not answering his cell phone whenever I rang him, and if he did respond it was by calling me back 10 minutes later from some solitary location - usually outside.
I had come to learn the 'new math' - what ever time he said he'd be home, add at least one hour more.
I'd learned to dine alone whether he was away or home.
I was spending the precious little time he allowed me, trying to connect with someone who no longer looked me in the eyes for more than a fraction of a second and who always looked down in remorse when entering the house.
He was vague or silent about his days and evenings, and suddenly started having to work weekends.
He was acquiring all kinds of things without even so much as word to me about it any of it and when I’d ask him about all the “stuff” I was finding at our house over on Parkside, he’d never give me an answer of substance.
He was spending inordinate amounts of time at the Parkside house, (which he made clear I was not welcomed there) or running about at odd hours.
He perpetually drank in my presence, usually stooped nervously over a goblet of wine, which often replaced his dinner being that it was late and he’d already eaten.
It seemed as though he was increasingly anxious and on the verge of saying ‘something’.
I recall suddenly crying out to my mother one day as she was being difficult, (due to her illness she’d become psychotic by this time) that "my marriage might be coming to an end". I quickly ran from her and hid in my bedroom with my own words gathered around me. I could no longer fool myself into thinking that this was just some mood that my H would pass through and we’d go on as before.
The floodgates of hell were opening quickly now and I sensed a large dark wing gliding overhead. I felt the breath of the beast.
Ok, now you've taken the net and scooped the little twerps out of the water. They are no longer splashing about.
Now the water is calm and inviting. Now the splendid beings of confidence, wit, charm, vibrance and love can fill the water with their beauty.
You have come such a very long way since the time you are referring to. Now you have journaled some space to keep going on your timeline and get to the good stuff!
Yes, I do believe that the twerps are less potent in my journal than in my pool. My intention is to get out the net only as I spot them. All is not healed yet, but it is getting better. I'm addressing issues more openly with my H now - that helps. Well anyway, the water is definately looking more inviting now a days. I hope that your situation is holding steady. You sound well.
Wonder,
I admire your tolerance in reviewing my threads. I'm more apt to read other people's history than my own. Too darn painful and I find that it pulls up lots of muck and clogs my filters. And how are you faring these days?
HoldingOn,
Somehow I knew that at least one person would find strong simularities in my prebomb rundown. I think that there is little out of the norm here. Just slightly different recipes for the same pile of poop, eh?
I'm sorry that I am unable to get around as much to other people's threads. When I have the time I try to keep up with everybody, but then I end up neglecting my duties, so I knuckle down for a while which causes me to get behind on the threads again, so then.....
Quote: Somehow I knew that at least one person would find strong simularities in my prebomb rundown. I think that there is little out of the norm here. Just slightly different recipes for the same pile of poop, eh?
You will find all my links, right back to the first one, in the "2003 Success Stories" thread here in "Piecing". Third page, third post down by "imalright". If you have trouble finding it, please let me know and I will bring it to you.
You will find numberous success stories and their links there as well.
I hope that you and other's will be able to draw a measure of comfort from what you read here - and there.
Aside from maintaining contact with my dear bb friends and getting continued support of the nicest kind, I want to help others make their way back into the sunlight. So here I am.
A couple of days ago, as I was searching for a some documents, I noticed something missing from my bedside table.
Several months ago, I'd mentioned on the bb that my H had given me two photo's, one of OW and the other of himself and OW. He did this upon my request and as a good will gesture.
Well as I was scrambling through my bedside drawer where I'd kept those two photo's all these months, I noticed that one of them was missing - it was the one of the both of them. This morning I approached my H, sat on his lap and asked him if he knew anything about the missing photo.
I made sure that I had an air of friendly confidence around me before asking this question.
He assured me that he had not taken it, suggested that perhaps it had fallen through the back, and then with a look of amazement said, "You still have those?" "Don't you think it's time to shread them?" I calmly replied, "I will, in my own time."
I kissed him several times on the face and neck and told him that I loved him. His face melted with relief and then I changed the subject to something else completely - and it was over.
Parts of me that have been left outside on a cold bench for way too long are now finding their way back into our home.
I'm pleasantly surprised by my H's acceptance and co-operation with these sort of conversations. For me, this is a visible benchmark of our progress.
