Kim, I'm 45 this year. I am an ACOA (both parents). I have quite truly been a student of the human condition, in a active, immersed and involved way, for at least 30 years.
One of the things I forget often, I am most entertained by. It is that... people forget that we are human.
There are a million reasons why people are the way the are and do the things they do. And it all boils down to one thing. They are human.
We can say he/she did this, that and the other thing... because they are borderline personality, because the are passive/aggressive, because they are ACOA, because, because, because...
They do the things they do because they are human. Your H has objectified you, which is why he is able to do things that come across as being hurtful. Because he is human... and humans by nature do not want to hurt anyone... but everyone knows that we can't hurt an object...
And on the more extreme side of that, people sometimes feel they have the power (and some feel the right) to hurt others. Because it serves some need for them. That too is very human.
I remind myself often that I am no more or less human than anyone else. That every single human out there is absolutely capable of the highest form of altruism and the most heinous crime against humanity. Of running the fastest race or going to the moon or doing something that no human has ever done, before.
In the same way that every dog is capable of biting and mauling.
It appears to me, that most any M breakdown ends up being a struggle for control and power. Most Rs are about that. Often, that stems from a scarcity mind set. Meaning that there is only so much to go around.
When I told my L the terms my W had set out in the SA, my L told me in no uncertain terms, "That offer is insulting." If I were to have bought into that scarcity mind set, I would agree. What I know is, I could have walked away with nothing and I knew full well that I could make it up again.
Human battles are over scarcity. Not enough land, not enough money, not enough love... to go around... so we have to fight for our share...
There will be more land, there will be more money, there will be more love...
If I had another child, I wouldn't have to take some of the love from my other two kids in order to give to my new child... I would just make more love... If my fridge is out of food, I will find a way to make more food in my fridge...
Anyhow, the point is, he is human and is behaving in a very human way. You are human and are behaving in a very human way.
When we finally decide that we are done with our current state of being, we can then move on to a new state of being.
My mentors taught me this: When you are caught up playing someone else' game of win/loose and they are winning and you are loosing because it is their rules and their rules suit their needs... stop playing.
Your H sounds like a typical MLCer, if there is such a thing. I have heard of cases where the MLCer ran what were once successful businesses straight into the ground and lost everything.
It is very important to separate your financials from your H to make sure your kids and yourself are protected.
What your H has done by working less has been tried numerous times. According to my lawyer, judges are on to this and will review your H's work history if need be. Many times it doesn't work out as the WAS intended. If a judge did grant child support based on the reduced hours you always have the option to take your H back to court when he increases his work hours.
Try to think of this as a business deal. It helps take the emotion out of it.
What you have to try to remember is to not take any of what your H is doing, personally. I know, easy to say, and hard to do. None of what your H is doing is about you. This course was set for him long before you ever came into his life.
I mean, come on, taking a book back from him signaled to him that you were done with the marriage? Does that sound like rational justification to you? They will pull out anything they can to prove to themselves that they're doing the right thing by walking. MLCer's believe they're entitled to happiness. And so they walk out on everything they believe prevents that happiness.
Thing is from what I've seen, read, experienced, few, if any, find what they're looking for. It's a long road to that realization for them.
Like you, I used to pray for indifference to escape the pain. As H's crisis goes on I've taken on a different perspective. I started looking around to what I still have and not for what I've lost. If it wasn't for H, I wouldn't have the blessings of my children. I wouldn't have the place I live. Yes, he dumped it all in my lap along with all the responsibility of it, but from that I've learned a valuable lesson of perseverance and strength. I am whole without H and I can handle it. Yes, financially I still depend on H to help support the children we created. It is only right. I've learned that I don't need H, but I have not completely closed the door on him at this time. I've loved him for a long time. Enough to have developed compassion for what he's going through.
Kim, I would rather be on this side than going through what the MLCer goes through. Don't believe for one minute that your H isn't going through his own personal hell complete with intense guilt and pain. I know it may not seem so on the outside but once you're grounded and have stopped spinning, if you are still you'll see it clearly.
To me, there is a difference with moving on and moving forward. You definitely can keep moving forward without being ready to move on. You'll know when you're ready to move on.
Hang in there, we're walking right there beside you.
Kimmerz, Everyone has been giving you great advice. There is one other piece that I shared many times here. Whenever a mlcer is nice, there most likely is going to an ulterior motive behind it. Just like in your case with the support payments and then your child's surgery. Granted, I might be wrong, but I find it very interesting how he didn't tell you what he did, but he ran out the gate first and got a wheelchair and crutches, etc. and then you find out what he's done this week.
I'm w/Seeking, the court should be evaluating all of his work history to come up with the dollar amount. Your h is playing the fast and loose game, which at some point will catch up w/him. Most definitely think of what is going on now as a business deal. Put your love for your xh aside because you are going to have to deal w/the finances w/a clear head. You can't allow your heart to dictate your actions when it comes to the finances.
It took me a very long to develop a thick skin and indifference to my xh. Once I was able to detach from his actions, I was able to see clearly and look at his behavior and know it wasn't rational. You'll get there too, but it's going to take some time.
I know that you are taking all of this personally and I can understand why you would think this way, but please don't. He is lashing out at the world and you happen to be the one he thinks is the cause of his unhappiness. YOU ARE NOT! He needs to spin in the wind for a very long time until he smacks the wall of reality. Kimmerz, it's time for you to take care of yourself and your children. It's time to let him go and allow yourself to move forward and it's okay to leave the door ajar, if and when he wakes up and wants to play catch up. But remember, he is the one that has to do the hard work of proving to you that he wants back into your life, not the other way around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You guys thank you so much for your advice and words. I really needed that and it helped me get my perspective back. It's so easy to lose your perspective when emotions run high.
"My mentors taught me this: When you are caught up playing someone else' game of win/loose and they are winning and you are loosing because it is their rules and their rules suit their needs... stop playing."
I like this very much. It makes things so simple.
Tomorrow we go to court. Im nervous, because i feel so unprepared. Im afraid the judge is going to ask me something and I won't answer correctly. I feel unprepared because my attorney and I have been hoping to settle but xh won't respond.
Guess he wants the judge to settle it. Guess that's the best option.
Kimmerz, Good luck today. Do not be afraid...just answer the questions honestly and you will be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Guys! Just wanted to let you know that as of 6 p.m. last night xh and I came to a settlement! But because it was so late in the game we still have to go to court for the record. Im still dreading it, but because we've agreed, I think it will be more of the judge looking over things and approving it all.
Yes I must keep my game face on to protect myself and the girls. As hard and as emotional as it's been, had I not kept my game face on there is no telling what would've happened. I think xh would've quit paying child support months ago, and still would've kept the kids as messengers. It still amazes me how cold, insenstive, and rude he was a few months ago. If I hadn't gotten legal counsel to back me up, stood my ground with him ( kindly but firmly I must add) I don't think we'd be at the better place I think we may be atl. Time will tell. I do know it takes xh many weeks or months to digest big issues. Partly because he wants to avoid it, partly because he doesn't know what to do, partly because....well I don't know!
Hello everyone. Court was a breeze. I learned more by watching the case before ours.
Xh spoke to me at court, just asking if D9 will go back to school tomorrow. He looked tense and stressed. I watched him as he was sitting there before we were called up. He looked very unhappy. He walked out looking very unhappy. I pretty sure he's stressed to the maxx over money.
But Im feeling really good though. I thought things getting settled would make me feel worse, but it's a real relief.
Im curious, what have people learned in regards to co dependence and how it applies to them. does anyone wish to share, or have any advice?
I was reading on a website about co dependence a while ago and I about fainted. I found that my marriage was a co-dependent, counter dependent relationship and he and I actually switched roles.
We're both ACOAs as well. I think the first thing I'd like to do in working on myself is really understanding the co dependence in me. I haven't gotten the Book Codependence No more, but there is so much to read online I think that's a good start till I can get a new book.
My daughter is going back to school tomorrow. So glad because she's getting bored and getting bossy! LOL. she's very independent so I know being slowed down by crutches is frustrating for her.
Xh seems to be feeling better and we have carried on a good conversation in regards to the kids tonight. Having some trouble with the two fighting and oldest one and self esteem issues. I have to say it's very nice that my co-parent has decided to show up and participate again. I've taken alot on all by myself over the last several months. He now seems like he wants to make a joint effort in parenting together....for now.
