Stuck in Holding Pattern

[labug]

Since the moderation is taking forever, I figure I'd journal a bit:

Not a lot has happened on the R front. Texted W on Wed asking if she had time to chat, no response. Later I texted if she was around, she replied that she was busy at work, so not really. I asked when she'd be home, to which she said "not until late". I then told her to have a good night and left it at that. I know this was a mistake to even begin with, but I felt crappy about how Tuesday went. I feel like she put out her neck a bit (for the first time in a while) and I stepped on it. Anyway, didn't text her at all today, and plan to just leave things alone for a while... the weekend at the very least.

There's one thing I'd like some advice on from the community:
I'm planning to rent out/sell my home move to a nearby but different city, where I'd try transfer within my company to a closer office to the new place. W still has a lot of stuff at my place (mainly clothes, beauty products, and other misc stuff) and I'm wondering how I should go about handling that with her? We'll also need to decide on what to do with some of our common stuff. I'm not sure if she'd want me taking all our stuff to my new home, but she's living with her parents right now and wouldn't have much use for it. I'd like to go about it with the angle of, "we need to deal with this stuff" without seeming like I'm ending whatever it is we have... unless that's exactly what I want her to think... kind of confused as to the direction I should take.

Send her an email if/when your move is for sure and ask how she wants to handle getting her things.

[labug]

I'm not sure being dark/dim is the best thing for us right now. If anyone has the chance could they give me some advice? I'd really love to talk to her but it feels weird almost just ignoring her completely like this. She wanted a best friend connection and I'm not sure this is showing her how I can be that for her...

I noticed you said you had ordered the DR book. Have you rad it yet? If so re-read the LRT section. Heck read it every night if you have to. Have you read Crimson's thread here? It might give you some encouragement.

[ben11]

I noticed you said you had ordered the DR book. Have you rad it yet? If so re-read the LRT section. Heck read it every night if you have to. Have you read Crimson's thread here? It might give you some encouragement.

Thanks for responding labug. I haven't received the book yet. Bought it used from amazon but shipping's taking forever. I've read Crimson's thread(s) from top to bottom and have it on my watched list. It's no doubt been an inspiration of will power and patience.

Am I really in LRT mode right now? Just last week my W gave me a card with some very sincere apology and other nice things, mainly stating that she's noticed many of my 180s. Sure, things got a bit sidetracked after that, but I'm not sure about it yet. I guess until I get the book and read it, I'll just continue staying dark and working on myself. Have another cooking class this weekend so that will be fun.

[labug]

MWD advocates using LRT in extreme situations and classifies physical separation as extreme. LRT/NC allows you to work on yourself and get some emotional detachment. It also takes the pressure off your W. She has time to think about things without you there reminding her what she doesn't like about you.

It's good that W is noticing your 180s but the more you are together the more chance you have of turning your 180 into a 360 and ending up right back where you started.

[ben11]

Thanks labug for your support so far. I really appreciate it.

Got my copy of DR today (finally). Plan to read it cover to cover in the next night or two and get better equipped with what my plan will be.

What am I waiting to hear/see from my W before I switch out of LRT? I'm still worried that she really tried to make a big leap of faith giving me that card last week (in my original post) and I haven't really done anything with it.

Anyhow, as always, comments are welcome and encouraged.

[ben11]

So I read through the 7 steps of the book so far, and I agree with Labug, LRT is where I'm at right now. As hard as it can be, I trust that I need to continue doing this for at least a few more weeks. If it still doesn't work, I may have to consider something else.

Wish me luck...

[KarenR]

Hi there,
If you aren't talking to a DB coach, you should consider that. They are experts in guiding you when it is appropriate to use LRT or any of the other techniques that may be particular to your situation. Before you move or make any major changes, I suggest that a DB coach could help you go forward in a way that won't push her any further away, and actually bring her closer. Don't give up...there is hope here.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I trust that I need to continue doing this for at least a few more weeks. If it still doesn't work, I may have to consider something else.

Ben, patience is beyond a doubt the most challenging aspect of DBing. Check out all the sucess stories. Nearly every story has that common thread - patience! I am by no means a shinning example of practicing this virtue btw. If you really want to have shot at this, you may have to change "weeks" into "months"?

[Broken74]

Hey Ben, my names actually Ben too :-)

Grmpy is right, patience is a virture and most certainly a requirement... Just wanted to provide some words of encouragement my friend. You are in the right place. Live, breathe, and eat the 37 steps. I wish I had 6 months ago to now and I'm sure I would be in a much better place. The advice provided by the kind souls here is sound, follow the DB principles and hopefully good things will follow in your sitch.

Good luck and keep your chin up!!!

[labug]

need to continue doing this for at least a few more weeks. If it still doesn't work, I may have to consider something else.

You might need to rethink that, real changes take time to make and become a part or you. Get your mind off her for now and just work on you.

Great current thread here.