Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

Been lurking these forums for a few weeks now and have already absorbed a lot of good advice and techniques as I read everyone’s stories, but now I’m getting to the point where I need some advice directed to me.

I got married in Aug 2009 after being together for 2 years (1 dating, 1 engaged). Things were pretty good the first year. We had a lot of fun together and the excitement of moving in together for the first time. In late 2010, W got a job which required her to be on the road for many days at a time. This is when things started to fall apart. We grew more distant from each other, and both being very independent people (we had no problem spending nights apart hanging out with our own friends), things got progressively worse. She loved the job a lot and was having a ton of fun being in warm climates in vacation settings. Around March 2011, she left that job for different opportunity that would have her at home all the time, but a way more demanding time schedule (out the door at 5am, home at 8pm). This is when things really started going down hill.

As the distance between us grew more and more, I could tell there was something going on, which lead me to start snooping. As I suspected, she had been having some sort of EA with a former coworker (from the first job). I brought it up and was devastated. She kind of played it off more as a ‘we were just friends’ but the talk was definitely inappropriate for ‘just friends’. We both decided it was good to go to MC. We really both did think that this would be a quick fix and we’d be on her way. Unfortunately, that was not the case. It just started drudging up all sorts of problems that we, but mainly she, didn’t realize we had. Ill explain some of those problems a bit later.

After about 6 sessions of us going to the MC and her leaving feeling like complete garbage, we basically quit. During this time I did a few stints of db-like-techniques before I even knew what db-ing was, but was basically doing it for her, and not me. When I didn’t get any reciprocation, I quit, and blamed her for not putting in any effort. I basically shut down at this point and just kept telling her if she didn’t want to work at this marriage, that she should hit the road. She complained that our house was too far from her friends and her job, and she seemed very ungrateful. The house was mine before the marriage, so I kept suggesting if the marriage wasn’t worth working on, and it was inconvenient, that she should move out. Unfortunately for her, her job paid very little and she didn’t really have the means to do so. Who knows if she would have or not.

So its about Sept 2011 where we’ve both kind of just given up. We are living in the same house, but like two ships passing in the night. She’d get home, give me a kiss and I’d say nothing. She’d leave in the mornings with a kiss and we’d say nothing. We went on a family vacation (my side) in mid Sept. I figured this was the final test. If we had nothing here, on vacation, then there’s just no hope. Sure enough, the 3 days were a true test of patience as I got zero from her. No affection, no love, no anything. I tried a few times to initiate stuff, but it was fruitless.

During the trip I told her I’d need to know pretty soon whether she was in or out of the marriage, and when we got home, I told her I needed to know by that Friday, which was 5 days away. I asked her if there was someone else taking her attention because I felt she was giving off the same vibes she was the first time that I was suspicious and uncovered the EA. She totally denied it.

And then comes Friday… I do a bit more snooping and in her email I see in her trash an email that she sent him with pictures of the two of them in sort of these ‘lovey-dovey’ poses. Clearly we had another EA, and possibly PA. As she knows this is decision day, I wait for her to get home and ask her if she made a decision and sure enough, she doesn’t know what she wants to do… which was all I heard throughout us working on things. I ask her about it and she completely denies it all. Keeps doing so until I explicitly tell her what I saw. Long story short, we have a small talk but I tell her I’m done, I’ll never trust her again, and she needs to move out tonight. And she goes to live with her parents.

She comes over a few times in the next couple days to grab some more of her stuff, and she, for the first time, seems shook up. I’m still so angry that I just am a stone cold guy and basically help her get her stuff and that’s it. A few weeks go by and I don’t talk to her nor hear from her. I’m way too angry to even start thinking about seeing her and even go to a L to talk about separation agreements. I’m pretty convinced at this point that it’s for sure over, and this is the way to go. At the end of the month (Oct) I find a note at my place that says “I love you”. I ask her to meet me at a coffee shop and just see what’s going on. We talk for several hours and she expresses that although she doesn’t know what she wants, she’s not ready to give up, and she doesn’t want a divorce. This was pretty encouraging. Although I kicked her out, I always wanted the marriage to work. Of course I take this as she wants for us to be getting back together, so I’m all excited. We start meeting up in public places and just talking but each time it seems more hopeless that we’re getting back together. She seems less sure of it happening each time, and I’m mortified.

We discuss going to a different MC and we finally get our ducks in a row (her job schedule doesn’t allow for much flexibility) and meet up with a new guy mid December. We both really like him and we spend 4 hours over two days getting our issues down on paper. He is very optimistic and says there’s nothing on that list that cant be worked on. W seems encouraged too, so here I am thinking… weee, we’re totally going to be together in no time. *Buzzer* Wrong! Not a lot changes. She’s still very uncertain, doesn’t even want to think about moving back in (in fact never wants to return to that specific house). I suggest moving to a different place closer to her work but still not good enough. Holiday starts, and I take her out for her birthday. We have a great time and no R talk whatsoever. Christmas and New Years come and go and we see each other a few times. I got her a Christmas present, but she didn’t get me anything which was pretty confusing, but whatever.

January is when I do everything counter productive to DB-ing. I beg/plead/pursue to the nth degree. I nag her into going to IC with our MC. She wanted to go, but just didn’t seem like it was a priority so I nag until she books the appointment. Shortly after hers, I go to see the same guy and do an IC for myself. He talked us both separately into going to a marriage conference he was holding in a nearby church that weekend. We go. It was pretty good, and if we weren’t in such a weird spot, it would have been awesome. On the drive home we talk about a lot of stuff, and then I drop her off at her car after we talk for another hour or so in the parking lot.

Prior to this marriage conference is when I started reading the stories on this forum full steam. After this, I decide I’m not going to pursue, beg, plead anymore and getting my DAL on. So that week I don’t text her at all, and only reply when she does. I sign up for cooking courses, I sign up for a bike race, and a few other things to better myself. I truly have the mindset now that I’m doing these things for me and if our marriage works as a byproduct, that would be awesome.

So I get a text from her to go out for breakfast on Saturday but I say I cant, because I have a cooking class. I leave it at that, no response. Sunday night I get a text asking if I wanted to do breakfast Tuesday morning. I say I’m not sure if I can because I just started a cleanse, but then I agree as I find out there are a few things I can eat at the restaurant. We meet up Tuesday (this Tuesday) and have a short breakfast. She only had a little time due to her work. Things went ok, but I had a lot of things on my mind, and I wasn’t really sure how to apply the DB-ing to this. After breakfast, she gave me a card as we parted, as well as a long hug.

The card was very nice. Basically said that she was so sorry for how she had treated me and abused my trust. She has finally started to see things clearly. I am such a great guy and my recent accomplishments are just making me even that much better. She’s very proud of me. Happy valentines day, love W.

So here I’m thinking, awesome. DB-ing pays off in a week. She’s noticed all my 180s already, (admittedly I told her about one or two in passing), and things are looking great. I text her 20 minutes later to thank her for the card and that it was thoughtful and was great to read those words. Said have a great day. Left it at that, and no response.

Then later in the evening I get a text saying, ‘if you didn’t want to go for breakfast, you could have told me. Should have just said no’. I was caught aback. I ask her what she means and she says I seemed really distracted and was just doing her a favor, and I’ve never been like that in the past. I try validate her feelings and say that I had a lot going on in my mind, and was stressed that I was going to be really late for work. I stated that just a week ago she still wasn’t sure if she wanted things to work out, and that she still talked to guy from EA2, just casually, because she didn’t know where we were headed. Anyway, that’s kind of where we’re at. I feel like I kind of went dark/dim and then when she invited me to breakfast, that I was still to stay like that. I wasn’t as fun as I could’ve been that’s for sure. But I had a lot on my mind. I told her that talking to the guy is a dealbreaker a week ago, so a lot was going through my mind. I thought, maybe I’m making a mistake even being here at breakfast. Should’ve stayed dark longer.

So ya, I said I’d state our general problems earlier:
- I didn’t help with any household chores
- She felt like we never had a best friend connection
- Our M was pretty much a SSM from the start
- Trust issues from EA1 and EA2
- She doesn’t feel I support her career
- We don’t share the same dreams/goals
- I feel her career is more important than our marriage, since day 1
- Loss of passion

Thanks for reading, I know its long winded, and borders on babbling, but its basically a summary of our marriage for the last year and a half.

P.S. I haven’t read the book, but ordered it over a week ago. Anxiously waiting…

[ben11]

Having issues creating a signature, so I thought I'd quickly add that I'm 27 and W is 28. No children.

Eagerly awaiting some feedback...

[labug]

Stay away from her until you can get yourself under control.

So ya, I said I’d state our general problems earlier:
- I didn’t help with any household chores
- She felt like we never had a best friend connection
- Our M was pretty much a SSM from the start
- Trust issues from EA1 and EA2
- She doesn’t feel I support her career
- We don’t share the same dreams/goals
- I feel her career is more important than our marriage, since day 1
- Loss of passion

Is there truth to these? Have you owned your part?

Can/will/are you able to change?

[ben11]

Stay away from her until you can get yourself under control.

Is there truth to these? Have you owned your part?

Can/will/are you able to change?

Definite truth to these yes. I've owned them and am now in the processing of proving them. That was a huge issue for us is I would say I could fix this and worth on that, but she just wouldn't be convinced. Pretty much a common thing in these threads, on spouse wants to be convinced.

I grew up in a house were mom did the housework and dad provided. She did not grow up the same way, so obviously there was a difference in upbringing there but I've expressed that I would work on it. That is part of the reason I've started taking cooking lessons, so that I can help her out there. It's not like I'm a slob, I keep things tidy but not *clean*.

I have always supported her career, but when it started becoming her priority, which she'll admit to, it was hard to be completely on board when it was a major factor of what was pulling us apart. Especially when she met both guys in the EAs through work. However, I would never ask her or want her to quit on her career, and have expressed that many times.

As far not having that best friends connection , I think that had a lot to do with communication and both of our selfishness. When either of us had a problem, we shut down and spent time apart. We're both very independent already and would just become more so when problems arose. It was very common by the end to not do anything on weekends together and just hang out with our own friends. I'd invite her though to my things, but at the end I wasn't really invited to hers.

The other problems I will own, hence why I wrote them, however, I believe the rest are things we need to work on together and through better communication and working at being 'best friends', hopefully we can compromise on those issues.

I feel like we're very close to something good, but things are just going very slowly. I'm totally willing to change, and have already started making great strides. I'm finishing up my degree (finally), starting to cook, eating healthy, etc. Just need to keep going and become who I want to be, and hopefully its someone that she can't live without.

[ben11]

Since the moderation is taking forever, I figure I'd journal a bit:

Not a lot has happened on the R front. Texted W on Wed asking if she had time to chat, no response. Later I texted if she was around, she replied that she was busy at work, so not really. I asked when she'd be home, to which she said "not until late". I then told her to have a good night and left it at that. I know this was a mistake to even begin with, but I felt crappy about how Tuesday went. I feel like she put out her neck a bit (for the first time in a while) and I stepped on it. Anyway, didn't text her at all today, and plan to just leave things alone for a while... the weekend at the very least.

There's one thing I'd like some advice on from the community:
I'm planning to rent out/sell my home move to a nearby but different city, where I'd try transfer within my company to a closer office to the new place. W still has a lot of stuff at my place (mainly clothes, beauty products, and other misc stuff) and I'm wondering how I should go about handling that with her? We'll also need to decide on what to do with some of our common stuff. I'm not sure if she'd want me taking all our stuff to my new home, but she's living with her parents right now and wouldn't have much use for it. I'd like to go about it with the angle of, "we need to deal with this stuff" without seeming like I'm ending whatever it is we have... unless that's exactly what I want her to think... kind of confused as to the direction I should take.

[dbmod]

^

[Cadet]

Sorry you are on moderation but keep posting in small frequent posts and it will help you to get past that point.

Yes read divorce remedy, also maybe a book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.

If you are in a SSM, MWD also has a book on that.

You can do thism keep up with those 180's.

[ben11]

Thanks Cadet, I'll try post frequently. I've read the 5 love languages book already as advised by our MC. Very helpful as I'm quite sure my wife's LL is acts of service.. Too bad I was to clueless to figure that out sooner.

I guess I'll just keep plugging along here and hope for the best.

[ben11]

Well I've made it through the weekend without contact. It's been hard at times, but I've managed. Really miss having contact but trusting the process. Hopefully the book comes in the mail this week and I can find more pro-active things to be doing.

[ben11]

So W texted me today asking my If I filed her taxes because she's getting hassled by some other agency which depends on this return. I told her I had filed them 3-4 weeks ago and to hang tight. Sent her her return in electronic format in case she wanted to call them. She said thanks and I've left it at that.

I'm not sure being dark/dim is the best thing for us right now. If anyone has the chance could they give me some advice? I'd really love to talk to her but it feels weird almost just ignoring her completely like this. She wanted a best friend connection and I'm not sure this is showing her how I can be that for her...