Another WAW

[anclost]

Quick update. We have mediation scheduled for April 10th. I am meeting with a lawyer to discuss the process as recommended by the mediation judge. It seems that the divorce will become a reality soon. My W is determined to go through with it, even though she says she doesn't know what she is doing.

The legal side of this process is really upsetting my W. She hasn't spent any time with her lawyer, and is finding out that she won't be taken care of financially by me for very long. Threatened that if I ever wanted to see her again I better "make it right".

Sometimes it feels as if I'm a bystander watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Thanks again for all the great advice, this forum has helped me through some dark times. Still more to come as well.

Lost in Alaska

[sandi2]

Threatened that if I ever wanted to see her again I better "make it right".

Why does she think you would ever want to see her again? Her threats sound ridiculous, considering the two of you will be divorced. How did you respond when she said that?

[jks]

I am just reading over the end of your thread and this may have been said before but your W seems to have serious insecurity issues. Which I'm not sure is your fault?? It's a constant pattern... she feels insecure so she lashes out at you. You are a strong man to be able to take so much constant negativity from her.

I say the move to TX would probably be ideal for the both of you because she may actually, for once, be able to focus on herself and get in a good place emotionally and psychologically. I don't know what it is about your R but the dynamic of it seems to bring out the worst in her (maybe the worst in you too?) Obviously your R wasn't always like this or I'm guessing you probably wouldn't have ever married her (IDK, that is a total assumption). I think letting her have her space and reflection time could be just what she needs. And it could be just what you need to clear your head too.

So many people are scared of separating because they think it's the start of the end but in actuality I think if you DB it just right, it could be the best thing that ever happened to your R. You learn a lot about yourself and what you really want and what truly needs to happen in order for the R to have a healthy life. I think you'll also find a lot of the answers to the questions that you're struggling with right now. Somehow things just start to get a lot clearer when you're not dealing with your S face-to-face ALL the time. Emotions are raw and can be very misleading.

[sandi2]

I hope you'll keep us update and not leave us hanging.

[anclost]

My apologies, it has been very busy lately.

Well, we had our mediation on April 10th, it took 3 hours and it was done. I agreed with most everything, our assets were split at 60/40 for her. However I don't pay any alimony.

My wife had legal representation, but I did not. The asset split was what her attorney asked for, yet when it was over she said that I had snaked her and she got screwed. She can't believe that she only has her 80K a year job while my income is over 4 times that.

Then we went to lunch together. She got mad again about what she just agreed to and stormed out of the restaurant.

Does my wife know what she is doing? At times I am really worry about her. But it is clear she wants to do this.

How do I approach this going forward. My W leaves in two weeks for TX and starts her new job there. Do I go dark? Or do I try and maintain a friendship with her?

Is this when I should move on with my life and assume she isn't coming back. Honestly, I don't think we can have a relationship again unless she realizes she needs help or needs to change as well. Even with all the mistakes I've made it isn't 100% my fault and she fails to see that right now. I'm not sure it is possible to give her the amount of attention she feels she needs.

She still texts me and asks if I want to go to lunch.

Just prior to the divorce I did say how I felt. Sandi2, I used your comment when she said I better give her what she wants or I would never see her again. I said that was coercion and why would I want to see her again if she felt that way. I called her on the double standard as well. I had had enough.

But it is still over. Obviously I didn't DB well enough. Just not sure how to play it from here.

Thanks Sandi2 for asking. I was fairly busy getting ready for the mediation. I was doing my own research on some legal matters.

Lost(soon to be alone) in ANC

[anclost]

JKS,

That was a very nice post. I think you are right, we do need some time apart.

[anclost]

Sandi2, 25, etc,

I wanted to ask your advice again regarding my situation.

First off, Sandi2 you were correct. My STBX has continued to still try and make my life miserable even though she is now in Dallas. Exactly as you predicted. She has been gone since April 26th, and it has been interesting to say the least. She is still living with her friend and her family, and was supposed to move into her own apartment next month. She started her job May 7th, and naturally she called yesterday to tell me how much she dislikes the hospital were she works and now wants to quit an find a new hospital.

She has called several times, usually texts me once a day etc. I try and keep it light and friendly but she quickly turns it into how miserable she is. How little money she has, she can't afford anything but a one bedroom apartment, can't afford to shoot skeet etc. Her car needed some maintenance and she was upset that I wouldn't pay for it. She stated that she would "resent me for life because I'm not helping her out financially" and she is going under.

BTW both my sons are here in ANC with me this summer. It is great having them home and we are actually enjoying ourselves. My oldest and I are keenly following the NBA playoffs, something we have never done before. Of course this is another source of contention with my STBX. She continually complains she hasn't seen the boys since Christmas and when is she going to see them.

It is actually stress free around here for the first time in quite awhile. I have many friends and actually flew a trip to HNL a couple of weeks ago and had a nice time.

But today was a bit of a surprise. Our divorce is final Jun 15th. But now she is quitting her job and has no medical benefits once our divorce is final. She called her lawyer and asked to extend the divorce final date to September 1st. She didn't ask me if this was okay with me, she just told her lawyer that I didn't have a problem with it and then copied me on the email after the fact. She wants to extend the date so as to stay on my benefits until she is under benefits from her new employer.

In the four years she lived here in ANC, she changed jobs four times. Always because of who she worked with and how they didn't appreciate her and her skills. I'm sure that surprises none of you.

My STBX only wants something from me if it benefits her. I truly don't remember the last time she did something nice toward me. I'm starting to question if my wife ever really loved me at all. Her level of anger toward me is something I am unable to understand fully.

So why do I still want to eventually make it work with her? Should I agree to extend the divorce date so she can stay on my benefits? Just thought you all would have some good advice or at least a good whack with a 2x4.

Thanks
Lost in ANC

[25yearsmlc]

gosh I wish I had more time to reply and I promise, I will.

But my initial question is

whether extending the divorce deadline hurts you in any way? If not, then why not let her?

Hey, she does not 'Deserve" it but then again, she bore your two sons and she sounds miserable and possibly ---- ill. So, like I said, if it costs you nothing or very little why fight about that?

Remember your sons are watching you and this insurance issue is NOT a point about you being a doormat issue...make sense?



SO,

She was represented by counsel at the divorce SHE initiated- and you were not.
She then complained that SHE got screwed...wow...

Gee, I guess you could apologize for her not feeling that your zero representation did better than her lawyer did -
but is it possible, just a tiny bit, that

her viewpoint is not objective? Hey, I'm just asking...

more later and as for your main questions, which seem to center around why YOU want HER

I'm wondering the same.

Maybe you want who you believed her to be, or hoped could return---

or maybe you hate being the rejected party more than you hate being in a loveless r?


Keep at it, it does get better. Have a great summer and I'll reply when I have more time.

((( )))


PS

I do believe Alaska is not for everyone. For those who it isn't a good fit for, it can be damn miserable.

Crazy ass space like COLD weather,

not seeing the sun for months,

does weird things to lots of us....enough said, right??

[scaredsilly]

tell her you'll agree to the extension for medical benefits IF she gets anti-depressants and counseling.

[labug]

She's leaving her job voluntarily, right? Or is her contract up? If I remember correctly, she was working as a traveler. If she's leaving voluntarily without another position knowing her D will be final on June 15th that's poor planning on her part.

Good luck, it's good to hear you and your sons are having great times.