Hi SH, This crap is so damn hard. I just want you to know that there is life after seperation/divorce.
There are beautiful and caring and amazing people. I have met several women since the bomb. Amazing, beautiful, caring, successful, passionate women.
I've not been on a date or been intimate but know that the opportunity for happiness will always be there.
I'm not saying give up. By all means, your family is worth fighting for. So continue the good fight.
"I love what we have, the good things, so much, it hurts so badly."
Don't despare... Good things come in different forms.
Stay strong my friend...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Thanks so much SbH. I'm definately trying everyday to hope that there is something good in the future as a result of all of this.
So this weekend, I drove my two boys 4 hours to see the Harlem Globetrotters. We had a great time. My oldest cried on Friday when I told him the news. My W had to make some deliveries this morning about half way and so I drove them back to her. It was the first time something like has ever occurred shuffling kids like this halfway accross the state, but boy did it feel like what I think my future my hold after the divorce. I didn't like it one bit and cried in the car for about the next half hour.
I have to mention a backslide just before leaving on the trip Sat morning. She asked if she could talk to me for a second and I said yes, of course the warning siren was going off. When i got up the room she told that I need to be more careful about who i talk to. That she know I'm telling people she is a whore and an unfit mother. I think my head spun around 3 times. I've never said anything even remotely close to that ever! It is so extrememly frustrating to not even be able to deny something that is so blatantly not true. I did my best and avoided any yelling or any of my normal fighting tactics (so a bit of a 180 there) in fact when her finger started wagging and her teeth were clinched instead of responding in kind which would be normal for me, i just quietly asked her not to do that to me any more. She was so angry and it is so twisted and untrue. In hindsight, I should have just yes, yes most definately i need to be careful who i talk to and no I've never said anything like that and then just WALKED AWAY. If there are other suggestions I'd love to hear them. But man that was frustrating.
Today is another tough one. I'm traveling to my job that I go to every other week or so. She called me in my room last night to let me know that the papers would be delivered to me today. She didn't want it to surprise me at work. Gee thanks. Can't decide on exactly how to feel, but it feels like i'm the verge of being a wreck.
And just now - a text message from her asking me if i'm ok. wtf? I really don't know how to deal with this -Yes, i'm fine. No, I'm a wreck. Does it really matter? Her asking is important but my answer seems so worthless to have any real impact in a positive way.
Well the process has begun. I have the papers. Procedural mostly. Nothing about how things get split or parenting plans.
One good thing, court requires a parenting class. It doesn't look like much, two two-hour classes to discuss the impacts of divorce on children - really? I wouldn't feel like a total wreck if I didn't understand that. Maybe it'll be something to make a difference in my W's cavalier attitude about this whole thing.
Another great call today with my DB coach. This is an important time in this process. My biggest 180 will be to go through this without any pushing at all but full acceptance and giving her plenty of space. Buying any time will be important, finding time for me will be too. Throughout these past couple of months that's been the hardest one to define. 25yrs is a long time to be a husband and friend. Not sure what I look like alone. I guess i need to find out. I will be maintaining focus on the kids though. Did I mention I took the boys to the Harlem Globetrotters? They had a blast - me too. I'll keep looking for opportunities like that and also looking around for me; just not sure if I'll know it when i see it.
I would appreciate any and all ideas for LRT in my situation - Living at home with W and our 3 kids.
I find 180's occasionally, so that helps. I'm working on GAL'ing but could probably do more here also. My counseling and studies have open my eyes on my own issues in way that has allowed me to go into conversations with a new appreciation for other's feelings. I'm thinking a bit more clearly before I speak. So that is also all pretty good.
I suppose the biggest area I struggle with is wanting to be there with and for my kids yet trying to give my W as much space as possible. Ideas here would be great.
And generally speaking any other LRT tips too. Thanks.
Well my goal for the week, was to just avoid having an intense conversation, especially given papers are now in hand. I failed. She asked me about them, and when i would be sending them back. We apparently have a difference of opinion regarding some of the wording and things did escalate. There was no yelling so I'm happy about that. We talked about the marriage, but I did my best to focus on moving on, each of us working on ourselves to be happy, not re-hashing things. And we discussed the co-parenting issue and our differences. For the most part things were civil and I ended the conversation by saying this wasn't exactly helping and we have a lot to work on. I was upbeat as I walked away, we had been discussing one of the kids and were both chuckling about his morning. I was watching her throughout and saw body language and tone that at times was pulling away and finished with her at least interested and paying attention.
Fast forward an hour later and I can hear her crying downstairs. So I went down the stairs and asked her if she wanted help. She said no, so I came back to my office. Now about 10 minutes later she left the house and drove away. She didn't say anything.
I am sorry for everything you are going through. I am not in your shoes and can't offer much advice, but what I can say is; it seems like you are trying to do the best for your family and what you want.
Don't lose focus on yourself, make her see what a great guy you were, have been and trying to become. It is your job to now make yourself happy. Make yourself a man that she can't imagine not having in her life, not to get her back, but to feel better about yourself and sitch. Be the best father you can be to your kiddos.
Thank you so much JLO. I'm actually getting a little better at focusing on myself, but being defined by husband and father for so long makes it really hard. But I think I'm gaining on it.
Interesting sitch today:
My son's bedroom is a mess. We (me and him) talked about getting him another shelf or something to help put stuff away. I was in town this morning, at the store looking at some options. I decided to give my wife a call to see if she had any ideas. I got a huge heavy sigh, followed by a lashing, excuses why it wont fit, plus "it's not like he'll be living here for". It was crazy and I was totally thrown back. I asked her why it had to be so negative when i was just trying to help him. Then she got mad that I said she was being negative. I was at such a loss. I said I was sorry, again I'm just trying to do something positive for him. I got off the phone and left the store very frustrated.
How do I deal with these off the wall discussions?
1. I will go an entire week without an intense conversation.
2. I will not allow myself to get sucked in to any R discussions about possible differences in co-parenting or other trigger topics
3. I will respond kindly when she talks to me, regardless of her tone or demeanor and I will leave if the conversation is heading in the wrong direction.
My more of the same behavior is persuit by way of expressing loving feelings when she shows signs of openess and softness. I will instead be nice but avoid any comments that could feel like pushing for reconciliation in any possible way.
