Disrespect is fine (I'm sure the hardcore DB-ers would not respect where I am) As of the beginning of January, my H and I are "separated". He's essentially coming and going as he pleases with no accountability to me. I've got basically fully custody of the kids except for 2 weekends in the past 6 weeks.
I've made the decision that I'm essentially done with our marriage. H decided we needed to separate at the beginning of January (I told him he had to choose) although he hasn't made a move yet to get out of the house. He can't give up his affair and after 6 months of this...I'm at the point where I am tired of putting up with him. In all honesty, part of me is ready to file for separation or divorce and be done (and I may need to do that to get him out of the house). I was ready for him to move out in October. Sad for the kids, but if they knew the whole truth (or do some day)...I'll have more self respect to tell them I didn't put up with him.
Do I think it's a great time to be dating? No, but I'm being selfish and it's nice to take a break from the crush of the affair rejection. The new guy I met is a great dad and it's good to know that good men exist in this world. He's with his kids a ton and I'm with mine a ton...so we can't do anything crazy (and we aren't in a crazy place where we even would) Trust me, from reading the 10+ books I've read on affairs and relationships...I know this relationship is probably 99.9% likely to fail. And, I've been open with H about it and have told him I'm just having fun and I'd end things to try again with him if he was ready. I think it bugs him on some level...which makes me feel like he can better understand what I've felt.
I've lost a lot of respect for my H through this. I will also need to see a major transformation in him to know it'd be worth trying to work on things with him. (He's never believed marriage should have to be work).
As several of you predicted, if anything, I'm seeing H crack more now that things are hitting the fan. I really feel like I'm living my own life and that's the best I can do right now.
I have a girls weekend this weekend. H's sister is in town from abroad and he'll be taking the kids alone to his family. He's admitting he isn't happy. My dad sent him a note tonight (my parents don't know about the affair) and said they were praying for us. H wrote me a note saying he feels very guilty....
So, anyway, I guess I'm just living life and not really making a huge effort at any strategy. I'm well trained in DB-ing though so I continue to feel like I am treating H with love and trying to be supportive. I think ideally, I'd be "dark" but with our three kids and him in the house when he's hear...that's not really possible.
We'll see what happens. I wouldn't recommend what I'm doing to anyone who isn't already feeling done.
Oh, and my H doesn't want to talk about a divorce at all...but I think that's him not wanting to lose me as his second choice option. We've had long conversations about how I don't want to be second choice...but I can understand why I am.
Also, the guy I am in my "affair" with gets my situation and I've been honest with him. He has zero desire to be in an affair with a married woman....and we aren't exclusive. He's going through a divorce and views us as being in the same boat where we can have fun and support each other.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
You're doin' fine, girl. You put up with waaaaayyy more from your H than most would.
Yes, it's a worry, risking the other man's feelings when you may not be done with your H. But I also totally understand how nice it is for you to have the validation, after putting up with your H's BS for so long.
