My holidays were stressful and basically unhappy for me. The only good times were pretty much when I ignored H and just had fun with my kids (even if H was there).
We didn't do anything for our anniversary- didn't even say "happy anniversary" to each other.
I have decided, I'm done. Everyone in the house is walking on eggshells around him, and no one is happy.
He hasn't learned from anything we discussed while we were separated.
- He talked to my boss about me, and still sees nothing wrong with this. Different boss than last time, and this time I have a feeling he was actually trying to use me to gain favor.
- He yells at the kids for the same things he is doing (stuff not put away.... his computer crap is all over the dining room table along with his jackets on the chairs) or for things that are unreasonable and they know better (like washing the pampered chef baking stones.... for 15 years, I've been the only one allowed to wash them so no soap is used and they don't crack)
- he won't listen to the children"s explanations- they're "arguing" (even if they are trying to remind him that mommy said they aren't allowed to ever wash the stones....)
- The computer he has all over the dining room.... school district owned. yup, he's had school property in the house for 3 months, a clear violation and he won't listen to me, even though he's putting my job in danger too (plus it's an ugly mess in the dining room)
- he still can't be on time for anything and can't be trusted to get the kids where they need to be- so it falls to me to either rush, give up something I'm supposed to do, or find a carpool
- He interrupts my dissertation group study sessions and talks to everyone like he's known them for ages, and won't leave so we can get our work done. I know he always shows up to "check on me" to make sure I'm actually studying and not having an affair (which I have never had, he just accuses me of on about every year, year and a half because he's insecure)
- he decided to go back for "leadership" (to be a school principal), but he gets mad when I tell him he won't get hired by the school district as an assistant principal or even a dean since he is only a 2nd year teacher. Apparently it's my fault the district requires experience before you supervise and apparently to him it's a stupid regulation because he managed finances for a corporation before (ya, cuz teacher's, students and parents are the same as an IPO, right??!)
- then he decided he was going to run for state assembly without letting me in on it (but he gets pissed if I stop at the store without letting him know). Still not sure where his head is in all this- he hasn't voted in a single election in about 20 years, he says he'll push his "teacher" status, but as a 2nd year teacher, he won't get that much support from teachers, and wait you say.... I thought he was going back to school to be a principal?? I know right??? Can't do both.... can't even teach and be an assemblyman (in session is 120 days from feb to june- not gonna happen as a teacher!!!)
- oh, and did I mention he can't focus on anything or finish tasks still and still hasn't seen anyone about his ADD?
- Plus, there's a little (but big) incident that happened one night that I don't want to go into, but it was totally inappropriate and I now have pillows down the middle of the bed when we sleep.
So, still not communication, still no support, still no physical support, no emotional support, and no emotional trust.
I'm exhausted and I'm done. The trick is telling in a way that 1) he understands and 2) doesn't start placing blame (although I already know he's going to say I'm having an affair)
Still stuck in limbo land. Trying to get papers graded and a paper written.
So many things going on at once, I went and got a calendar for the fridge. Everyone has their own color ( even made a key on the calendar). I filled in everyone's activities for the month- expect H's since I have no clue because he doesn't share anything.
As the kids have something, they write in on the calendar. I check the calendar to see what's going on, and update my phone calendar. The kids check the calendar before scheduling things, and when new things are mentioned. Great system if you ask me. I mean I have 2 teenagers writing their schedules down, and checking mine before they make plans-- so it has to be a good system if they bought into it.
H?? Well, he still asks if D is going to x or y. Really, I got the calendar so I didn't have to be his personal assistant anymore. He asks if I'm teaching (despite it being in conversation and on the calendar), he asks if I have study group... it's on the calendar, it happens every Thursday- EVERY being the important word...
I am honestly at the end of my rope. He can't remember anything anyone tells him, and when we come up with a solution, he can't even look on the calendar as he is getting a drink from the fridge.
( He also has a phone calendar, but doesn't use it.)
I have a meeting for D's 504 plan in the morning, H has been told, it's on the calendar.... I'm not going to remind him. She has had a 504 for 7 years and he hasn't been to one meeting (Not sure he could even tell you what accommodations she gets). Kinda wondering if he will remember he said he wanted to go.
if he doesn't remember, he'll blame me. wahoo. can't wait for that to happen.
Hey SF... that's nuts. Not sure about your whole story, but why did he come back after three years gone? What made you think things would be different?
That's for my own curiosity...
But what about you? What made him think that life with you would be different?
Just wondering. I don't expect to be where you are because I really don't see life with my W would be any different and I can't imagine being the H my W appears to want.
But I wonder... what if we did R...? What would prevent it from being more of the same?
I'm glad to have read parts of your story; I'll need to catch up more on your previous threads.
I'm sorry that your journey has been going on for years, and it still continues. I think most newbies here, like me, look for 'happy endings'. That is all we want to see, something that will give us hope to be strong and keep going in hopes of saving our M.
While I'm not saying that your story does not have happy ending, but I think it's important for us to see that it's not always going to be a "happily ever after" in terms of the current M, but I do see a happier future for you, even if it doesn't have your H in it.
What I see is a person who has been strong for a long time, made sacrifices, but kept going because, well, the world doesn't stop for our problems. I admire you for your strength and all that you've been through. While I "hear" that you are tired and want to move on, I also "see" that you have grown tremendously. And sometimes time comes when we decide for ourselves that enough is enough.
When you said that you were DBing for yourself, I think that is what everyone needs to say. Yes, we love our spouses and want our M to improve and be a happy one again. But I think that we really do need to focus on ourselves, because that is the only thing we have control of.
Just curious, when your H moved back and your started to R, did you go to MC? In retrospect, what worked and what didn't?
Btw, your calendar system is awesome! It's nice that the kids are fully on board with it, too!
sox! i am happy you're back! well.. you know what i mean.
i love your calendar idea. i live by mine but, i am the only one that updates it. i guess that's what happens when your kids are 2 and 5. wow. these little illiterate monsters make life tough!
what's a 504 plan?
btw.. thank you very much for your advice on the financial talk. it really helped me when everything seemed so murky and unclear.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Hey SF... that's nuts. Not sure about your whole story, but why did he come back after three years gone? What made you think things would be different?
That's for my own curiosity...
But what about you? What made him think that life with you would be different?
Just wondering. I don't expect to be where you are because I really don't see life with my W would be any different and I can't imagine being the H my W appears to want.
But I wonder... what if we did R...? What would prevent it from being more of the same?
He came back basically because he could no longer afford to live on his own and he needed to move back in. I was happy again, and of course closer to the person he fell in love with, so that part is kinda obvious.
As for why I thought he'd be different; I guess I was hopeful. I even knew he hadn't really made changes, that they were only "surface" changes- just the motions he was going through. Call it naive I guess, or rose colored glasses, or dreamland....
I've always been the person to see the best of people (I guess that's why I teach)... I've always wanted believe H would change... I also hate being wrong
Just curious, when your H moved back and your started to R, did you go to MC? In retrospect, what worked and what didn't?
Btw, your calendar system is awesome! It's nice that the kids are fully on board with it, too!
Thanks for such nice words!!!
MC is a touchy subject. To save you from digging through my threads, here's the readers digest version. I kicked him out, found an IC. Went every week. Asked H to join me. He said no. I kept going, Asked H to join me. He said no. I said- screw it. fine. I kept going. H found another C. Went once. Asked me to go. I talked it over with my IC and here. I went to his. H went.... separately to the same person. This C thought it was nuts, me too, but if H was game we continued. I went again. H went. I went, H never went back. I stopped.
See his control issue??? Ya. It's glaringly obvious when you remove yourself and look back.
Did you ever wonder... that maybe he doesn't remember things is because... you've got his back...?
Any thoughts on how to encourage and support him in managing his own calendar?
I mean... you seem to enjoy it...
My W's like that, BTW. And she complains that she has to make the calendar and keep reminding me, because I won't do it...
And I sit there thinkin'... Yeah, but I don't have to because whether I want to do something or not, she puts my schedule on the calendar and then tells me I'm committed... I don't even have a choice... and then complains when I complain, saying I never want to do anything unless it's convenient for me...
sox! i am happy you're back! well.. you know what i mean.
i love your calendar idea. i live by mine but, i am the only one that updates it. i guess that's what happens when your kids are 2 and 5. wow. these little illiterate monsters make life tough!
what's a 504 plan?
btw.. thank you very much for your advice on the financial talk. it really helped me when everything seemed so murky and unclear.
I totally understand
My kids are 17 and 14, so the calendar works a bit easier for them
A 504 is like an IEP, but it's for a medical condition, not a learning disability. My D has scyoptic nerve sensitivity (also known as Irlen Syndrome). When she reads, her brain can't focus on black letters on white paper... the words actually bounce off the page. She has colored lens glasses, uses an overlay, or has her work photocopied on blue paper. Plus she has other accommodations to account for headaches, eye fatigue, and eye strain.
You're totally welcome on the advice. Glad it could help. After our money talk, I cried for hours. But having everything prepped and planned and written out gave me the strength to talk straight and do what needed to be done.
Did you ever wonder... that maybe he doesn't remember things is because... you've got his back...?
Any thoughts on how to encourage and support him in managing his own calendar?
I mean... you seem to enjoy it...
My W's like that, BTW. And she complains that she has to make the calendar and keep reminding me, because I won't do it...
And I sit there thinkin'... Yeah, but I don't have to because whether I want to do something or not, she puts my schedule on the calendar and then tells me I'm committed... I don't even have a choice... and then complains when I complain, saying I never want to do anything unless it's convenient for me...
Actually, he doesn't remember things because he has ADD (has since childhood) and doesn't take meds.
If I "encourage" him to keep a calendar, I'm nagging. If I keep reminding him about things, I'm babying him. If I don't remind him, I'm not communicating and I should have told him- or I'm being vindictive If I tell him, and tell him, and tell him, I go crazy
Yup, been there; done all that.
and hell, no I don't enjoy it. It's like I have another kid in the house. I have tried using love and logic; let's just say logic didn't work too well
