Bea, LOL! I just had to laugh...I knew you'd hear from him and it would be in a different tone of voice! Next week, he could be back to spewing...send the email late tomorrow evening. You don't want to appear too quick and ready to play nicey, but you also don't want to sit on it too long.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea: You wrote this on another thread. I've got to tell you it reall struck a chord with me.
i had a real light bulb moment last night as i was peacefully pottering around my sitting room, of great acceptance of myself, the situation as it is, and my centredness. Interaction with crazy xh was threatening to destablise this, and it was me that was allowing it. And then I thought, he is no longer a very nice person. Not simply the way in which he dumped me, but self obsessed, and generally difficult and not much fun any more. Why on earth would I want someone like that in my life when I don't have to?
I have been living in limbo. My H wants to be, and is being a cake eater. He is no fun to be around. You are writing about spew on this thread. The spew I get is non-verbal. I just get horrible actions from him. Somethimes I wish for spew, it might give me a clue.
Hope all is well in your part of the world!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Non verbal spew is worse in some ways, so I understand what you're going through.
Yes it gets down to trying to figure out what they're trying to say by their mean actions and refusing to use their words!
Honestly once we're in a better place of truly understanding what's going on here with MLC, I'd take spew over the silent treamtment and bad actions anytime. Yes, if you get a little spew, you get the idea where they are in their mind at the time. No, it hardly ever is in a rational state, but at least you know what you're dealing with.
Infact....now Im kinda worried if my stbx isn't spewing! He's been very cooperative lately. So I just be nice back to him.
No use in fighting or becoming defensive, cause it gets you no where really fast! LOL.
The more and more I have face to face interactions with ex the less appealing he is to me. The mind can play terrible games on the psyche and just focus on the old ex who was a wonderful man. This new "thing" that walks and talks like the man I married does not exist anymore. The sooner we accept this the less stress we experience. Of course there is always hope that this "thing" will turn back into the person we loved.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I am sure that no one will be astonished that having left my reply to xh a suitable time [as Snodderly suggested] I replied briefly and cordially on Sunday evening, latish, agreeing to what he proposed, and thanking him for his efforts in reaching an agreement [I did not comment on his wanting to have friendly exchanges . . . ] This was a 'Yes, I agree, Let's go for this agreement, Thanks for your help' type response. It does require a response from him to confirm the date of exchange, which he proposed for 3 days ahead from now.
It is Tuesday morning where I live [we are actually in the same time zone, although many hundreds of miles apart] and I have heard nothing - this is an obsessive emailer we are talking about here, both pre and post MLC. It only needs a 'Fine let's set up arrangements for the interchange of monies on x January' type response. No thought required. I am agreeing to his revised proposal, as he altered mine slightly [we are talking MLCer here].
I just want this done, partly as I am going away for a few days [Wedding party and various social events with friends where I used to live], but also it ought to have all been finished months and months ago. . . . Oh well, let's just wait and see.
Oh and I agree about just how unappealing they are. The self obsession alone makes my eyes roll. I feel irritated at his inability to be normal in small things like getting on with finalising this. Yes, it is about being done, finally. But isn't that what they said they wanted when they headed for the door?
It is funny how we just don't see things. After reading so many post here, I am really starting to see how self-absorbed my H is. Everything I say, he interperts as about him.
It might not be DB, but I have started to repeat what he says back to him. So he can hear what he says. He also has a real problem with enounciating his first word. So often it is very confusing. Then he gets mad.
A couple of years ago he had me convinced I was deaf. I went in for a hearing test. The doc told me I actually have an unusually high ability to distinguish barely audible words. He gave me my perfect hearing report, told me to go home post it on the fridge and to tell my husband he was a mumbler!
Oh Well!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
OMG - my xh always mumbled, but it got worse and worse, and on the rare conversation I have with him he is now often almost inaudible except when he is shouting at me
I wanted to bring this back here to your thread. I just got through reading what you said on WCW's thread. Sweetie, I know you've been dealing with this for a long time, but there is one thing that I know you know. It wouldn't have mattered what you did, didn't do, said, didn't say to your XH. There was no one that could have prevented him from going through his MLC, but himself.
I believe the avoidant personality developed to help them cope at a time in their life when they had no other tools to help them get through what ever was happening to them. It became a way to deal with everything.
They relied on it through out their lives because it 'worked' for them.
When the crisis hit and derailed them, they fell back on their old friend, avoidance, in a big way. Gosh, I'll run and then blame everyone else for 'making' me do it. This includes spouse, children and responsibility.
This is truly a life crisis whose beginnings were in place long before we ever met our spouses. Each transition added more layers on top. It isn't about us.
Could we as LBS done things differently in our marriages? Most probably. Would it have stopped our S's MLC? From what I been reading and hearing, no.
I am also wondering those of us whose H/XH who are older when the crisis hits if they possibly have a more severe crisis?
Beatrice, I want to thank you again for sticking around and posting. You're a shining example of a LBS who has made it to the other side with strength and wisdom that you pay forward so graciously.
I know you know of everything I've written. Sometimes I don't think it hurts to get a reminder when we're down.
Seeking, I couldn't have said it better. Our former spouses all have "learned" behavior in order to assist them cope w/whatever transpired as children. Bea, I honestly don't think that there is anything you could have done differently. When is crisis hit, that was it and nothing or no one could have changed his course.
Everyone, we all made mistakes during our relationships, but those mistakes would not have been so extreme that our spouses would have bolted under normal conditions. These folks are not acting in a normal manner and we must remember, they are extremly fragile and emotional during the crisis period. The best thing that you can do is take are of yourself and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking and Snodderly, you are both so kind to come and post here. I did feel very bad today, thinking that I had screwed up, even though I 'know' in my rational hat, that I really did all I could [I think!] and also mostly I am OK.
I think part of it is the back to square one behaviours that I have been experiencing from xh recently. Mostly I have little to do with him but unfortunately the terms of the financial settlement oblige me to have some contact. The judge clearly thought he was dealing with two rational people who could manage to do this transfer . Wrong! It should be simple and straightforward but it isn't . . . . sigh.
And wondering why he decided to have a second MLC before finishing his first. maybe he picked up the 2 for 1 offer.
