Letter to my WAW on why it took her leaving for me to "get it".
"W-
I have owed you an answer to your question "why did it take me leaving for you to get it" I have thought about it for over a month now, and I can give you a brutally honest answer.
The truth is it absolutely required something this emotionally painful, this disruptive to knock me off of the path my life was on, force me to seek help, show me that I could be wrong, and make me honestly realize that I needed to change.
One of the books that I read said that people grow complacent in relationships and marriage because there is an unspoken assumption that the other person won't leave. Hence, bad habits and unintentional neglect begin. Well, that is basically what I did. I was even bold enough to INVITE you to leave. Well, you called "bullish*t" on me and left. Nothing I can say. I literally asked for it. I had no idea I was making things so joyless for you at the time. Like I said, I thought I was being the greatest husband ever. I never even dreamed I was guilty of all the things I pointed out in the letter I wrote. Again, I was giving YOU the definition of a "great" husband, when it needs to be the other way around.
I'll tell you the awful truth. If you would have stayed here when I was basically begging you to, if yo would have woken up on 9/12 and said "OK, let's try....", I never would have turned there focus on myself and started to fix what was broken. Had you stayed, I'm betting you would have seen changes for a most a month and then I would have slid back into my same pattern. It is both humiliating and painful for me to admit that nothing short of losing my wife and not seeing my son as much as I'd like to what what it took to open my eyes and mind. However, that is the sad, honest truth.
I didn't want you to leave and hate the fact that you are gone now, but if there was to be a chance of me waking up and realizing what makes a better husband and father -- this needed to happen just like it did. I needed to lose everything that mattered and hit the lowest emotional point of my life to realize exactly how unknowingly miserable I was making life for you. The "soft" approach didn't work. The sledge hammer did.
Finally, I owe you this - it has been painful, lonely, agonizing and sad for me - but I respect what you did and why. You saw into the future and visualized and unhappy, unfulfilled life with me and you decided you AND our son deserved better - and you were right. The person that I was becoming was not the person you needed. It wasn't even really the person I wanted to be. You made a bought decision and I know it wasn't something that you did "on a whim" or to hurt me. You did the right thing for you and our son and your future.
The Crimson that you left isn't the same one writing this letter. As I've said, these last four months have rocked me to the core and fundamentally changed how I view life, marriage and fatherhood. I am still learning, still evolving. I am a work in process. I have woken up and can't fall back asleep again. Thank you for helping me want to be a better man" She wanted honest....I gave honest.
Crimson
PS...got an unsolicited text tonight: "I am grateful for your letter. I always knew the man you could be. I felt like such a failure in our marriage that I couldn't make you happy or see these things".
"PS...got an unsolicited text tonight: "I am grateful for your letter. I always knew the man you could be. I felt like such a failure in our marriage that I couldn't make you happy or see these things".
I really think things are moving in a positive direction for you. Continue to handle with care. I'm wishing you all the best!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Crimsom...if there was ever a time for you to answer her honestly, calmly and from the heart, this is it. She has opened the door for you to answer her again after your recent letter. Your draft letter/answer above is perfect.
Crimson....if ever there was a time for you to answer your W this is it. Be honest, calm and speak from the heart. She has opened a door wide open for you after your recent letter. She has turned back to you for understanding. You can do this.
I posted a story I read on an old thread on someone's thread but don't think it was this one. If it was, it bears repeating.
Think of this as trying to coax a squirrel to eat out of your hand. Any sudden movement or noise could scare her away, never to return.
I don't think I would send that letter right away. Not that it's not good, but if she has too much to process all at once it may be a negative. Give it a couple of days.
You must be a quivering bowl of jello.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I like what's happening and most of the letter. I'd leave out the vision of the future she had without you...and imo it's a tad too long.
the sledgehammer paragraph seems like enough to me...but do what you will
b/c things are in transition.
Timing? Better late than never and yes, she wants to know you aren't doing it to stave off the divorce or at least not for financial reasons...
but that seems to be getting revealed...
Stay strong and stay on course Crimson...no backslides...keep expectations low so you don't get thrown off if she backs away
she's afraid...but she wants to believe in you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm really pulling for you, Crimson! As a WAW let me just say, I would cut off my left arm to receive a letter like that. Keep it up, and in your IC session listen more than you talk. Sounds like you planned on that anyway.
