Confused and alone

[rickb89]

Purg .... This is good stuff!

[labug]

Rick, if you click on the posters name (in red) you will see view posts in the drop down. Click on that and you can find the threads posted to.

I find that very helpful.

[rickb89]

Honestly NH Mom I think this was a chance for you both to be open and honest. I think if you had talked it out it may have been a good opportunity. He was reaching out and he is saying he wants to be heard.

Why not give it the chance? I don't mean to sound like a know it all. I hope you can work it out and to me this seems like a chance.

Maybe you could call him and say...thank you for offering to talk...I want us to share and be open.

Don't let your pain lead to defensiveness or you will miss opportunites!

[BklynMom]

Sorry to hijack but its Bklyn State of Mind.

I am good. Enjoying the good stuff and feeling blessed for what I have.

[nhmom]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I think when H wants to talk, it's not the real honest guy that wants to talk. H's "talks" are always about how I did him wrong. H wants to validate his reasons for wanting to leave and acting like a jerk. In his mind I am responsible for everything. When I told him that I needed to sort out my thoughts and feelings first and he got defensive by blaming me not wanting to talk, I told him that I was giving him space that he needed and I'm waiting for him to come to me and talk. I want him to be honest with me, but right now he is living a lie.

I don't know if it was friend's talk the other day or me saying that I was considering a future without him, but something may have stirred him up. Yesterday, he was emailing me from work all day, asking about dinner, then how I was going to cook something. I was brief, but he kept asking more. When H got home, he suggested we all go to dinner since we had a gift certificate. I was acting as normal as I could, "as if" I didn't know a thing. Since I didn't get much sleep the night before, I took some tylenol pm to help me get to sleep. H shows up in bed again! What do I owe the honor to for 2 nights in a row? I had a feeling he wanted sex and I was right. I debated on what to do, then gave in. It was probably not the best idea, my head was all over the place. It gave me a chance to connect to H, but at the same time I felt betrayed.

Oh how I want to just blow up in his face, accuse him, blame him. But I know that it will not do me any good. I know it would make me look crazy and H would not want to be with me for sure. If he is still debating whether he wants to be with me or not, confronting him about OW will likely drive him away. Do I wait for him to decide that he wants to be with me first before addressing the OW issue? Our friend thinks I shouldn't wait too long because I may get too resentful and too hurt to take him back (if he ever snaps out of it). I don't know if guilt is eating away at him and he cannot face the truth. I don't know if H knew that I know the truth and still willing to work with him, if that would help with the sitch? I don't know if he feels that I would be too hurt and he wants to leave before I leave him. But his talks are usually about how I did everything wrong and how much I hurt him. No matter what he thinks I did, I did NOT drive him into the arms of OW!

[BklynMom]

First of all - what does your friend know about MLC or WAS or DB? Has your friend been married 30+ years or something???

I learned this the hard way but even though friends want to be helpful, they have no clue what advice will help save your marriage.

The worst advice I have gotten is from my best best friend, who has been married for 10 years - but she has only dealt with every day fights in a marriage what we are going through is different.

If your goal is to be married for 30, 40 or 50 years and you cant deal with 6mths or 1 yr or even 2 yrs of hardship - think about that. This is not gonna be easy, but what do you want??

Please for good advice call a DB coach or listen to 25 or busto

D1 wants me off computer I will write more later

[Accuray]

nhmom,

If he is still debating whether he wants to be with me or not, confronting him about OW will likely drive him away. Do I wait for him to decide that he wants to be with me first before addressing the OW issue? Our friend thinks I shouldn't wait too long because I may get too resentful and too hurt to take him back (if he ever snaps out of it).

Your friend's logic only makes sense if the expectation is that H will be apologetic and remorseful when confronted, because your friend is assuming the purpose of the confrontation is to relieve your resentment and hurt.

What I'm suggesting to you is that those confrontations almost never go well, and that you will leave MORE hurt and MORE resentful. If you expect H to be apologetic and instead he is belligerent and self-righteous, how will you feel?

The hard cold reality is that H cannot make you less hurt or less resentful right now -- the bell has been rung and cannot be unrung. You need to work through those feelings and heal yourself without relying upon H to help you through that, because he's not in a position to do it now, and maybe never.

One way to work through that healing is to shift your perspective. Rather than seeing yourself as the victim of H's bad decisions, view yourself as an equally culpable partner in a relationship that went off the tracks. Make it your mutual fault rather than H's fault. You can also shift your perspective to view H as someone who is operating from a place of hurt and fear rather than malice. He's scared. He's acting the way he is because he doesn't know what to do. He's afraid if he comes back to you you will hurt him by either (a) scolding him and making him face the consequences of his actions for years, or (b) not being there for him in some way he perceives that you were not before. If you can truly shift your perspective to see things in this way, your path forward may become more clear.

If you're saying "Accuray, you're crazy! There's an elephant in the room that I need to deal with", then you might be right, you do need to have a discussion about what you know. Read these two approaches:

Option 1:

"H, I know you've been lying to me. I know about OW, I know you kissed her, and that you've been living in a web of lies and deceit. I can't believe you would do this to me! I'm the mother of your child! You need to get your head screwed on right and decide what's really important to you. I am going to take some time and decide if I can forgive you, and if there's room for you in my life. You need to face the consequences of what you have done!"

Option 2:

"H, I realize that our marriage got into trouble at some point along the way. It's normal that after your first child is born, marriage gets more complicated and more difficult. That's a phase that all couples go through, and long term marriages are characterized by ups and downs. I realize that I have done things that drive you crazy, and in some ways I have not met your needs.

I am also aware that you had a relationship with OW. Listen, everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to feel special -- I understand that. I know that you didn't do this to hurt me, but at the same time, I'm sure you realize that I am hurt by what has happened.

I believe that our marriage is worth saving. I will own the things that I have done or not done that have gotten us here. I'm willing to work on my approach to our marriage to make it a great one that will stand the test of time. I would like you to join me in 'pushing the reset button' on our marriage and moving forward together. At this point, we both have a choice to make. I choose to save our marriage. I would like you to make the same choice, but I can't decide for you. That choice is up to you."

I'm sure you see the difference. The second version normalizes what's happened (we're all human), and doesn't present a future of storm clouds and recrimination -- instead it offers hope that things can be better and different. Once you make that promise, however, you need to embrace it and demonstrate your resolved with consistent action.

Hope that helps!

Accuray

[BklynMom]

With all do respect to Accuray & your friend I do not think you should say anything to your H about OW.

I think you should wait longer. Your H is so confused right now. Asking him to a make a choice right now I feel is too risky.

Even if you ask your H in a chill way I feel he will still feel pressure by the conversation and to fight back will just tell you again that its over.

My advice is to continue to stay busy and detach. DOnt mention the relationship or the future.

have you read Laura Munsons book?

Also I dont think having sex with your H is necessarily bad. It depends on your R with him and his thoughts on sex. It could help bring him back. It is important that you gauge his response to the sex (without asking) and see what effect if any its having on him

[nhmom]

First of all, Accuray - thanks for your two scenarios. Yes, option 2 sounds definitely better. If/when I'm ready to talk about OW to H, I might just steal what you wrote. Maybe some day I could write H a letter so that I don't forget anything and it doesn't blow out of proportion until all is said.

BklynMom - I agree with you that now is not the time to say anything about OW. As hard as it is on me right now, I'm still trying to digest it all and it sure is a hard pill to swallow. I guess my take was that if he knew that I'm still open to making the marriage work, would that change anything for him? Right now he knows that he f***** up, but he's still trying to justify it. I need to know what his stance is on our R, that he is committed.

The earlier comment about the Real Housewives of NH made me laugh. I don't watch the TV show, but I can only imagine the drama. No, I definitely don't want to be THAT. And the reference to Maria Shriver is a good one. It must be that much more difficult to be in the public eye when all of this happens. Or how about Hillary Clinton when the whole Lewinsky thing happened. She, too, was able to hold her head high and with grace she remained in the public eye...even to the extent of running for President! I want her therapist!!

Just one more day to get through until I have a break from H. The newest info is still too fresh and I still feel sick to my stomach, can't eat much, and go through periods of anxiety and feel my heart racing. I just keep remembering that OW is a distraction and annoyance and that it's not a competition. Although I do think that I'm WAY better and H is stupid for having any kind of feelings for OW. As one of my friends has told me that she's seen how men look at me, it brings me a little comfort that I still got it But it doesn't make this situation any better.

I really wish I could afford a DB coach. But in times like these when I need to think about the possibility of moving and trying to make ends meet, I really can't fork up the $$. I am so grateful for the support I have received so far. Without it I'm sure I would have lost it already. But with your help I'm trying to keep my head high and get through this in the most graceful and mature way. This community beats IC for sure!

[Accuray]

I agree with both of you -- I wasn't advocating discussing OW with H, I was just saying that if you feel you HAVE to, make sure you do it the right way. Many people report that a weight is lifted when it's on the table, the "I'll pretend that I don't know that you know that I know what you don't want me to know" can get exhausting, but if it's manageable right now keep with the DB program for sure!

I guess my take was that if he knew that I'm still open to making the marriage work, would that change anything for him? Right now he knows that he f***** up, but he's still trying to justify it.

I DO believe it helps if he knows you want to make the marriage work. There's a big difference, though between "I'm open to making the marriage work" and "I want to make the marriage work". The first is passive and implies that he has to do the work, the second is active and implies that you will do the work.

I definitely think you have to let H know that (1) you want to save the marriage (2) you own what you brought to the table to get you here (3) you can understand what he's done although you don't agree with it, and (4) you're willing to do the work to make things better. It's a fine line because once you've said it you can't keep repeating it because that is pursuing.

When H looks at you right now he sees storm clouds hanging over your head, and he sees a big field of thorn bushes that he has to hack through to get back to you. He's envisioned a life without you and convinced himself he'll be OK on that path. You need him to see sunshine over your head and a clear path with a mowed lawn and flowers on the way back.

I realize that in many ways, that SUX because he has done wrong! Why should you make it easy for him to come back without making him suffer? Shouldn't he have to apologize? Unfortunately, if you really want him back, then the answer for now is that you have to swallow it and make it easy for him to come back. Some people have a really hard time with this because you have to swallow your pride. It makes some people feel like a doormat.

The way I look at it, you're identifying what you want, and you're pursuing it and fighting for it. You're being strong and driven, you're not a doormat. Once you rebuild your relationship, you can get to a place where you don't have to worry about getting here again, and that's the most important thing, that's the "prize" to focus on. Let the past go.

I need to know what his stance is on our R, that he is committed.

Assume that he is not committed -- you need to proceed in the absence of that assurance from him. He has demonstrated with his words and actions that he is not committed to preserving your marriage, so you need to either decide to give up too, or be prepared to go forward with no assurance of commitment from H at all. What you do may not work, success is not assured, and he will not be helping you on this path, you need to walk it alone (or with a support structure other than H).

I know this is hard and cold, it's terrible. Once you understand that's where you are, however, it makes it easier to see the best way forward.

Accuray