Hey - just wanted to say a big THANKS to everyone. I have gotten a mountain of good feedback, advice and overall positive energy over the last day or two and I want everyone to know that I am grateful for all of it. It is not a stretch when I say I owe a lot of my stability and (dare I say?) happiness to MWD, DR, DB and this board. This truly is the best, worst place to be. SO again, I say thank you.
I still am having a lot of nerves about the court appearance tomorrow. Again, sitting in a court room and seeing the woman I love as a "foe" really plays with my mind. Not that I can control it, but I can't help but wonder how she feels about it.
She texted me yesterday saying that she missed our S. I asked her if it would help if I brought him by after work for a little bit to visit - trying to extend a hand. She replied "no, I'll wait".
I know I have probably said this in other threads, but I SO want ot tell her that she doesn't HAVE to miss our son. That there is hope in our relationship and neither of us has to do without him. If it is as painful for her as it is for me when he is gone, and I am fairly certain that it is, accepting that pain as opposed to trying to work on our R just makes no sense to me. I am not her, so I can't guess how she measures things - but I don't think I was a monster of a husband. I feel as though I a worthy of a second chance.....worthy of being a dad for my son and a H for my wife.
I have to drop him off today with her and I won't see him again until Sunday night. Already I am sorta sad about it. He is such an awesome little guy - being without him and the energy that he brings to the house is tough and I feel like I am always counting the days until he is back again.
Meh - enough of my pity party - just lifting some sadness off of my chest. I hope I get to be a full-time dad and H one of these days again. Preferably to my W.
I SO want ot tell her that she doesn't HAVE to miss our son. That there is hope in our relationship and neither of us has to do without him.
Ah yes the bargaining.
But we can just take the pain away by reconciling.
That is you projecting on her and I haven't read your whole thread but did you do this during the M?
I think you know enough not to say this to her.
I am trying to get you to dig into why you would think it?
IF you said it would that be validating her? Is thinking it validating her?
If, as you say, it is the most painful thing then she must have a pretty good reason for deciding to go through all that pain.
What do you think that is?
I pulled this from own volumes and the poster is Bworl: When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.
She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.
As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.
I don't say this hurt you.
I say this to further drive home the point that this will not be fixed in a short amount of time, and it will not be fixed with a few weeks or months of kind words.
It will take time.
It sounds like you are working on your problems. This is what you CAN do right now. And you damned well better take it seriously, because if you are given another chance, I think it will likely be your last. Make these changes REAL and LASTING, and make them because you AGREE that they need to be made, NOT because you want your marriage back.
You.
Work on you.
Leave her alone.
It sounds ridiculous, but I'm certain it's right.
I hope it helps Crimson.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I would never in a million years say that to her. Sure, maybe during my pre-DB days I would have (hell, I MIGHT have) - but now I know much, much better.
The only reason I think that now is that I have spent a lot of time digging into myself and my contributions to our meltdown and trying to rectify things. Honestly (to borrow from 25) I think marriage to me would be different and better from this point forward. SO, I say that she doesn't HAVE to lose time with our son because the life that she left is not the life she would be coming back to.
I know that I have unknowingly caused a lot of harm and emotional damange to her....QUITE by accident - and I know it will take time to heal and for her to trust me again.
Wanting it now, and wanting her to believe instantly that life will be better is a total fantasy - I know that. It took me awhile to get there, it will take me awhile to get out.
Well, letter is done. Even bought nice stationary. There is a lot of validation in it - for her, that is. I actually feel pretty good about it and openly accept the fact that it is not a silver bullet and will not magically send her running back into my arms. That's gonna take some time.
Regarding the "I think you're happier not being married to me, I always suspected that would be the case" line from her, I said the following:
"I have found happiness, W. But it is not for the reason you think. I am happier because after 38 years I am finally getting out of my own way and focusing on building the things that make my life happy and walking away from the negatives that I brought down upon myself that were taking happiness away".
When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.
She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.
As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.
That's for damn sure the way it happens!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I still am having a lot of nerves about the court appearance tomorrow. Understandably. It's unnerving and even scary. Again, sitting in a court room and seeing the woman I love as a "foe" really plays with my mind. It played with my mind too. I just couldn't get my mind around it! How could she do this? It's a hard reality. Damn hard. Not that I can control it, but I can't help but wonder how she feels about it? The fact that she has you in Court should tell you how she feels about it Crimson!
I know what you're feeling. I don't say these things to hurt you. I want you to KNOW that this Court stuff is about to happen...and you've gotta be as strong as you can be...for YOU!
Good luck tomorrow.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I guess i am partially wound up because I have an initial court appearance with w and Ls wednesday. It's to go over how much child support and spousal maintenance I will have to give her.---She is not the enemy and the court doesn't need to dictate when I (or my wife) can see our S.
Every "real" step like this we take on the D path really bums me out and causes me to lose hope. You assume she feels nothing. I don't.
I wish Wednesday didn't have to happen. I hope I am strong enough to get through it bravely and without emotion. Stay strong, don't hide how you feel but keep it together, and know that she's hurting too. That may help you...
I wonder if my w is feeling anxious about it like me. YES I BELIEVE THIS ABSOLUTELY
Of course, she won't be writing me monthly checks, so I would guess she has little to truly fear. Seems like all upside for her - financially anyway. you really think that's how she sees it? I don't. I think she feels crappy right now and among other things that sadden her, she misses son...which I'm sure is true. But she's freaking out also...and she has the 2nd thoughts and self doubts to cope with as well, which you do not.
A WAS always has to 2nd guess their choice to leave.
IF they see the LBSer actually change for real, they'll ask themselves if they should have stayed...
or they'll ask themselves if the LBSer really would have made those changes last for THEM and over time
And they'll wonder if they should have tried once more...
they will 2nd guess their choice. Every time a new r goes bad or an event with son happens and he asks for you or misses you, or YOU have another child, or she does, she will wonder... You, the LBSer have no choice. You must make the best of a bad situation and learn from it and move forward being the best person you can be, and leave the results up to God.
The LBSer who works on themself can be at peace, but the WAS who sees real change in their former spouse, can never completely stop wondering..."what if?"
Bad way to think of it, but I am in a fairly scared place right now.
Crimson
yep it's a bad way to think about it. You've done your best so tomorrow, be your best - and leave the outcome up to HIM...he knows what's going on...and we are
sending you prayers and hugs
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone. Dropped off S with W and dropped off letter. I also had to give her a nice sized check, as per my L. She asked what it was for - I just said it was "for her".
She didn't say much to me, not even "bye" really. If she never brings up the letter I will never bring it up myself.
I always hate dropping off my son. The drive back home is always....."emotional". I miss him so much when he is gone and I won't see him again till Sunday night. That burns. So many little reminders of him scattered around the house.
Take care this week C. Hope you find plenty to keep occupied with. For me I tend to be anti-social when feeling down but am learning its better to get out and be with people. Stay busy and take care of yourself this week (besides, being busy will make Sunday come faster, right???)
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Hey Crimson I know you will do well tomorrow. I know that fear too well and the anger and acceptance mixture that goes with it. Remember this you have no control or the ability to stop it. But you must protect you the very best. My court date is in March . And have been preparing myself. Stop wondering how she feels about it. She is having the same mixed emotions as you are unless she is antisocial and does not have remorse in her. This can all change in a dime because she is not super human. Good luck buddy we are pulling for you
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
