Kim do I feel your pain...my ex says the same "because of you I have this huge attorney bill." Ha! I thought it was because HE did not want to be married anymore.
Too bad Mr. bank VP didn't realize when you want to step out of a marriage it's expensive.
I blow him off but it's so hard not to get angry. The best revenge is peace.
btw = happy bday
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I think most of us get 'you had to make this expensive by using an attorney' speech. Mine said I wanted a 'rock start divorce' Honestly it makes me laugh now.
OK I am going to make a few observations here. Yes you are angry, and you have a right to be angry. Your husband is behaving badly. But it doesn't sound as if he was tremendously involved on many levels in the marriage before he left. He was, and is a gaming addict. Living with addiction is not easy, and frankly what sort of future would you have had to look forward to? A fact you recognise yourself in your post. You have teh opportunity to have a better life away from this addict.
We all mourn the person they were, our spouses and ex spouses. The squandering of money puts most of us into a considerably worse financial position that we would have been.
The sad nature of MLC is what you are railing against, and rightly. But the person your spouse is is beyond your help, and until he becomes more uncomfortable in his little world of addiction he will be somewhat stuck.
Now see this is why I love to post! Thanks Bea and Luv, another perspective helps alot!
Yes you are 100% correct Bea, and I know this. I guess it doesn't matter if its MLC or throws of gaming addiction or all combined. But the fact of the matter is our marriage went to hell in a handbaskett 8 years ago when he started gaming. He plays World of Warcraft, one of the most addictive and popular games out there. I tried playing it once to see what the big deal was. Well for a certain type of person I can see how it's a true step into total fantasy. To me it was just a game.
He's a functional addict. His world consists of work, gaming, eating, sleeping, and shopping. All his money is gone and now he's freaking out.
Thank you Bea for putting that out there. Thats a huge thing that I really haven't thought about, the addiction. I've been more focused on the personal rejection I've been through, which of course is rightfully so. He's just with his Primo enabler now, since she's an addict too.
You know watching someone go through this is like watching someone purposely jump ship and refuse to take a life ring, or swim to the buoy right next to you, while sharks start circling.
Kimmerz I just started reading a book on Overcoming Perfectionism and there is a section on co-dependency and addictive behaviors, like video game immersion, or getting involved in exercise to the point of obsession, etc., these are all listed as co-dependency issues that have taken someone over. It just keeps saying in this book that any of these distracting, fun behaviors are ok UNTIL they take a person's time and focus away from family and relationships, and when they choose the addiction over the relationships, they are firmly gripped by the escapist tendency of some co-dependents. Interestingly there are two types of perfectionists listed, and some people are so driven by perfectionism inside that they give up and give in to the addiction and they aren't "high-achieving"...while others are very driven and ambitious and they accomplish many things. Those who follow addictions tend to be inwardly so hard on themselves that they only attempt what they can succeed at and they are afraid of failure to the point where they shut down and are lazy.
Video games are something that a person can get "good" at and succeed at if one plugs away enough hours at them. ESPECIALLY the online games like WOW, the skill set required to be "good" is misleading, it's more like you are "good" or accomplish things in the game by just putting more TIME into it than anything else.
My father is currently addicted to an online game he plays with my nephews. He lives and breathes this game. He is an invalid and in some ways he's determined that it's something he can succeed at. But his behavior becomes terribly mean-spirited if my nephews don't do what he wants them to do in the game, and he shuts down and doesn't engage with the rest of us because we don't play it. I've seen the game, and frankly you just push buttons and scroll through menus and choose things. There is no skill involved. Just money to purchase new areas to go to and voluminous amounts of time.
Anyway in reading through this book, I suspect that in some cases a lot of us had relationships that at least at the point where they fractured (or where our spouses' MLC made them splinter away from us) that one of us was the driven perfectionist and the other the lazy one. In both cases, the root of the negative behavior is codependency on some level that either came to us from childhood or grew inside the context of our marriages (or both).
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and furthermore, I wonder if on some level you have rationalized that a video game addiction is not "as bad" as something like a drug or alcohol addiction and perhaps given him a little bit of a pass on it...I was surprised to see "exercise" as an addiction, and that one really gets a pass because it makes a person look and feel good and probably be very healthy. But again, if it becomes the person's life, it's not healthy, it's an escape from reality.
In any case, I think that if you had a spouse who was a drug addict, you'd probably find it easier to say to yourself, "I don't WANT to be in a relationship until this man becomes clean or takes the steps to be clean. It will be damaging to me and my life if I am connected to him, and I am worth more."
But I see young women all the time, former students, for instance, who met their boyfriends online playing games, who will excuse the addictive patterns in their boyfriends (or in one case, new husband), because video games are legal and acceptable.
You have to come to the understanding that addictions are addictions, and his obsession is just as destructive to you as drug abuse.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Gasp! Epiphany! This is why I stay on the forum. I just realized that my H is addicted to his career.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe "career addiction" is in the book too...again...it's an addiction given a pass because it's seen as productive, I mean, who wouldn't think it would be good to be really into your job, rising up, yadda yadda. But if the job takes over and the married person consistently values the job over family/spouse, then it's an addiction and a form of escapism. The book says that many times people in helping professions suffer from this sort of addiction where they help others on the job but neglect themselves or their own families.
The last person I'd suspect of having perfectionistic tendencies is someone in a "helping" profession, someone who seems to do a lot of good for others. But I saw it just last week, with a friend who is friends with a woman who saves cats and dogs. She said that over time, she has realized that as much as she likes this woman, that this woman chooses the saving of the animals over human relationships ALL the time, and she's come to realize that the woman has serious problems interacting with people that are only getting worse the more she devotes her life to saving pets. She's become so suspicious that no one can care for the pets as well as she can that she comes up with reasons that people can't adopt them who want to. She's slowly closing herself off from the real world. And another good thing becomes an addiction.
My XH always used to say "anyone too into one thing scared him". Ironic as he's too into OW now...but I think that's one way to look at it. Single-minded people sacrifice everything for the one thing they area addicted to, and were I still with XH today, I'd still be sacrificing much of who am I to be with him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia.....Thank you so much for enlightening me!That book sounds fascinating and I think I will try and find it. Escapist co dependency....something I never would've thought of. H always said "I love the game because it's an escape. I don't have to deal with anything".
You know I always saw STBX as a very talented man and never understood why he didn't do more with it. I wonder if it was the fear of failure in something new because he was so perfect at it somewhere else. He's a great businessman with charisma and knows how to run a restaraunt with one hand tied behind his back. He's a hard worker. He's smart with computer technology, and his dream was to be a gaming designer. I reminded him that with all the hours he put into gaming, he could've graduated an online University in gaming design and be making a huge salary. When he came into money I encouraged him that he use it for an education in his dream field.His response : well im so tired, I don't think I could handle doing homework all night.
Oh yes, In regards to the gaming, I realized some time back if he were doing hard drugs, gambling or alcohol, that would've been a deal breaker. When the gaming was obviously taking priority, and his personality changed, I started to put my foot down. Then I got the " well im not drinking, Im not doing drugs, Im not screwing around, Im here at home where you can see me all the time" bit, and I bought it. Then it got to be where he no longer had a healthy balance between gaming and the productive hobbies he used to do, as well as family time. Family outtings became far and fewer between because he couldn't leave the game or had a raid. Sex was put on the back burner because it interfered with the game. My advances were rejected....some men dream and pray for women taking initiative like this, but nope it was in convienent for him! No longer did he want to be involved in stuff with the girls or myself because he was at his game. Fixing things around the house never were taken care of because of the game. Of course all our close friends started gamin when H did. However 8 years later, some still game, but his friends have a healthy balance, aren't obsessed and keep their families intact. Some quit cold turkey because they knew it was interfering in their lives.
After a while I realized i was enabling him to play that game by taking him food to the computer, running errands for him, and basically picking up his slack while he gamed. So I quit doing alot of it. AS time went by I saw him disengage more and more, his personality change more and more. I became more fixated on what was wrong with him and what I could do to fix it.
What's even funnier is that he also seemed addicted to his job at times too. He basically had local celebrity status as a bartender, made good money, and COULD GAME ONLINE WHEN THE NIGHTS WERE SLOW. Then he lost the bartending job, and the good money, and all that was left was gaming. Through a little PTSD from getting shot and well... here ya go!
I was cracking up hearing about 'local celebrity status' as a bartender. My DIL is a bartender. She got promoted to event planner and hated it. Is going back to bartending. I think it is a big kick for some. Oddly I was apprehensive initially to tell people she was a bartender. But people were always so impressed.....
There are a lot of talented people in the world who don't have much ambition. And we can just take care of ourselves and let them take care of themselves, right?
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I have just received a relatively normal conciliatory email from xh suggesting a reasonable compromise In fact what he proposed suits me rather better!! I am stunned, totally stunned.
It was not a 'normal' communication from the person he was, but in current terms very normal. Of course there was a bit of point scoring about the fact the my lawyer should have done something, but nevertheless . . . . . a result I did not expect. And he was blaming my lawyer and not me. Goodness. Blame by proxy, but not actual 'it was all your fault' but 'your lawyer was useless'
He even said he hoped that we could stay in touch . . . . .on a friendly basis.
My reply [not sent yet, I need to give it a day or so] was brief, accepting all his proposals, and thanking him for his hard work in doing all the calculations.
They really do turn on a dime. As Snodderly has said
