I have really pretty much put it out of my mind. It is just a big regression in his tone. he managed civil for several months. not especially nice, and still very MLC, but at least polite.
The weather has been amazing here for a couple of days, and I was out in my garden, cutting things back and making a bonfire . . . really enjoying myself, and feeling a bit stretched after a Pilates class when it suddenly hit me that I have actually been really frightened and tense for such al ong time, and now I am not.
Does anyone else here find or found their MLC spouse frightening? My xh has been so mean, hurtful, volatile and full of spite towards me for such a long time during his MLC [he was very kind and gentle towards me prior to that] that I put up barriers in order to cope that I am just starting to dismantle. Barriers I didn't even know were there, or as big as they were/are
I didn't even realise how defended I had become until I started to really relax. It is now 6+ years post bomb and just over a year since my divorce [I didn't even notice that a year had passed until some time after] Xh is back to square one, like he was in the early stages of his crisis,as I have posted, but he can't hurt me any more.
The worst he can do is go back to Court, as he is now threatening in order to try and get his own way. My lawyer says she doubts he will, but who knows. Anyway even that no longer worries me.
Holding it all together while they are the crazy train, living your own life, supporting your kids, and building a new life, while taking proper care of yourself, is exhausting both mentally and physically. And all that with Mr Crazy in the wings, swooping in like a vampire and doing everything they can to destroy our peace and happiness. No wonder we are exhausted.
Some people say they would not have missed this journey. Well, I am grateful I survived without going crazy myself, and I have probably grown but I would not want to go through it again. I am amazed and admiring at those of you who have the courage and optimism to embark on new relationships.
I love my friends, and am meeting new ones all the time, but that is enough, thank you! I might occasionally be lonely, which is probably good for the soul in any case, but I feel emotionally safer that way.
Bea, It's been beautiful here as well. We have had several dustings of snow, but otherwise springlike for winter.
Your feelings are normal. I was always on edge w/my xh until I signed the divorce paperwork. Seeing him that day convinced me that he was one screwed up mess and I had nothing to fear but fear itself. You don't realize just how stressed you are until the dust settles.
I wouldn't wish the journey that I took on anyone. Did I grow from it? Yes, I became more observant and compassionate of others. Oh, yes, the rose-colored glasses went in the trash the day of the speech. Did I survive? Most definitely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sondderly, I would say you very definitely survived, and have helped many others going through it.
My xh holds it together well in some ways - he can appear frighteningly normal[for about 2 hours, when the cracks start to show], and can be very very mean. A very harsh tongue, and a real liking to cause pain. I find it horrible, and as I said, that aspect of him frightened me as long as I had to deal with it. I 'shouldn't' feel that fear, but I did, and it is only because I don't have him in my life that I can relax. I even bought into the idea that one could build a 'friendship' with a MLCer. No you can't if they are truly in MLC. Apparently you can tame a lion but never be sure of a tiger - different type of beast.
Bea, I understand...you can't be friends w/mlcers. It's always about them, what they want and when they want it. It doesn't matter what you want or how you feel. Friends don't treat friends this way. When my xh first began asking me for things, it was two days after my bil's funeral. Now, who in their right mind would begin asking for things after such an incident? I know I wouldn't. He thought because my family was being nice to him at the funeral home, that everything was peachy. No, you can't give them an inch because they will take a mile.
BTW, when they are very nasty, I think of them as having rabies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love reading your posts. Sure helping me get rid of those rose-colored glasses...... While dealing with the rabid tiger.... Oh laughing is good for the soul!
So I'm glad to hear that friendship doesn't have to be my end result with my H. I have said to several friends and family that if he keeps on his current path I won't be able to be his friend. And everyone says: "Oh but you have to be friends for the kids."
Nope, I don't have to. The kids are adults and pretty much both are as tired of the nonsense as I am. Thought their collective solutuion was that I should smoke pot with them so I wouldn't care.... That was funny! (BTW: I'm not going to take up smoking of any kind at this point in my life.)
But the message I got from my kids was that they see me as very tense right now.
Gotta work on that!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
After we had exchanged a few cautiously polite email just after Easter this year my xh used this to phone one my best friends to try and re-establish their friendship, and told her 'Things were so much better between us these days' This was after more than five years cruelty and hostility, which I was trying to bridge because I naively thought that after 5+ years of MLC he might be a bit more reasonable, and it is helpful to co-parent if this is possible.
They will use anything and everything to their advantage and seem blithely unaware that the rest of us actually TALK to each other. It is as if there is really only them and their needs in the world and we are just puppets who have parts in their drama.
Our children want us to be well and happy - but the reality is that you will be tense, and maybe it is part of their growing up that they need to see us as human and with understandable responses to situations, not always a happy and smiling 'mom'. I put up a front for my children for a long time, but now I can be more real.
So as long as they are in MLC real relatonships aren't possible. I realise that not all MLCers spew as long, consistently and venomously as 'mine' but even those where they are relatively friendly the LBS spouses that I know tell me that their WAS are emotionally out to lunch as far as normal relationships are concerned.
It is as if they have a thin armour plated sheet of glass all around them. They cannot get out and no-one and nothing gets in. Messages are filtered and distorted, and they do not interact with anyone so they have no real idea of what the world is like. The [usually very damaged] OP they are with is their only point of contact, and I am now less sure how much they really connect with them, and how much it is in their head. One of the confusing things about my h's MLC is that very occasionally [about three times] he has totally woken up and seen what he has done, and rushed around for a week or so trying to make it all all alright, and then lasped back DEEPER into his crisis. But in those few weeks I have gained a lot of insight into his MLC 'reality' including the extreme fraglity of the OP relationship.
I am astonished to find how many MLCers do not actually live with their OP. My xh didn't, and I know of others. Where they do there are reports of constant fights, and sometimes physical abuse too, sometimes by the Op against the spouse.
It is a mess. We remember who they were and project that onto the new relationship. It isn't wishful thinking to say that it is seldom if never like that.
Today is my birthday. A year ago today stbx wished me a happy b day at 1:30 a.m. when he came to bed. He didn't offer to take the girls to get me anything for my birthday. It was just another b day.
This past week. Amicable texts in regards to credit card issue and iphone features. Offer to take girls shopping for my b day.
Why.....he knows I've seen his personal bank statemtns for the last 2 years.
Guilt.
Before this, spew. Spew it was all my fault he had no more money.
Now, proof. Proof of insane MLC spending.
The OP.... I hear dotes on him like he's a blooming idiot and he practically doesn't have to chew his own food. He's gained a significant amount of all the weight he lost. Hear he's very gray now.
Talk about opposite. H wouldn't let me dote on him too much. Was obsessed with losing weight and mad at me I didn't read his mind and make more diet type food and leave it in the fridge for him. When i would ask what he wanted, or offer, he'd just say " never mind I'll figure something out". So I leave him to figure it out, and Im "trying to keep him fat".
Friends with this? LOL....don't think so!
What is everyone's view on the OP and what role they play? I've heard that at times the WAS will try to re inact some part of their LBS in them, or the dynamic. Do any of you find this to be true?
My view of the OP is that they do dote on them and make them feel special and admired. They stroke their egos. The WAS is looking to rescue the OP.
Let me give you a couple examples of what I've heard and seen. When I confronted the OW, I asked her just what she saw in my h at that time. Her comment, "he's a nice man". Well, heck yeah, walking away from his marriage and home, committing adultery and being a nasty sob. I called him Mr. Personality because prior to running, he would sit like a bump on a log and not talk or do anything. Apparently she brought best out in him, i.e., partying, drinking, spending money, staying up on all night. You name it, they did it. She opened the door up to what he should have experienced in his teens, not in his late 40's/50's. She showered him w/adoration and stroked his ego to the point that reeks of "me, me, me" 24/7.
Now, let's see...the OP has become my twin, so to speak. She has styled and dyed her hair the exact color of mine. Her hair style is the one that I use to wear back in the 80's. She is also wearing glasses like the ones I wore back then as well. I am an Office Director and have been for 6 years. She was a stenographer who transcribed patient tapes when I met her back in 2000. Recently, she became an office manager at a doctor's office, doing similiar work.
I don't think the WAS is the only one that tries change the OP so that they are like the lbs, but the OP does a lot of this to keep the WAS as well.
BTW, be careful of when he's being nice....he may just want something.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im venting here....maybe Im spewing! But that makes me absolutely infuriated about the OW and the MLCer personality change and how the OW brings that out in them. That's exactly what's happened with mine! With what my stbx has blown, we could've put a down payment on a house, paid off debts, purchased me a new car, and put away some money for the kids for college. All gone. And he says it's my fault he's broke due to attorney fees. I AM SO ANGRY!
He hated life, didn't talk, didn't do anything but game all night long. Never wanted to do anything.Snap this, Snap that, always in physical pain. Then he gets the bright idea he's going to leave and tells me that he's done everything he can do to avoid me and that's not how a man should feel about this wife and he just doesn't " feel that way about me anymore". Therefore he's sorry but he must leave because there has to be more than just friendship. Yet after he leaves he was more of a friend to me since we were 18 years old.....
He hooks up with this woman whom we've all known for years and who games just like him. From what I gather I think her gaming had a part in her 26 year marriage breaking up 4 years ago. She does all the things for him I used to do when we were really happy together. I didn't mind doting on him, up until it was clear nothing was appreciated and I was taken advantage of. I then backed off, but would still make an effort to do things to let him know I loved him and cared. I was trying to do all those things last year and he did nothing but reject me over and over again every time I would do anything to try and make a connection with him. H told me he could tell I was doing everything to try and make him happy but it just wasn't working and he needed to leave and find himself.
Im sorry I've just been so mad about this all day! I needed to vent and go on a rant! Im holding back the self satisfaction of writing him a spew email myself. But when I calm down I realize that eventually this all will catch up with him. I've been given the oppurtunity to be free from this, to move on, and build my life the way I want to, and no longer dance circles around him and be caught up in his drama. I still love that man but it's a different kind of love. I think I love the person that I remember and still pray and wish is still in there. I've mourned and grieved and still mourn, but am moving on.
Now what on earth could he possibly want from me at this point, I have no idea.
Oh....and thank you for the Birthday Wishes Snodderly! LOL....
