Good to hear from you, Karma! Although any GAL is good GAL, yeah... socializing rather than holing up is sometimes a great idea...
It is sad your W still plays victim... She could just be saying that, to you... but if she really does still feel victim, she'll walk away from this with no growth value...
Unfortunately, there's very little you can do to support her in that...
Glad to see you around Myk. Thanks for stopping by my thread.
You have grown tremendously. Be proud and be well. Enjoy your D for the Christmas holiday and may the new year bring you infinite peace and joy.
PS Good to see you around too KD. Hope you are well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Good to hear from you MK! Thanks for stopping by my thread.
It is sad your W continues to stay in the same place, especially after how much you've grown. It makes it kind of hard to want them to come back if they're not going to change or grow.
Fist: so sorry for all my BITs for not having responded
Second: Happy new year 2012 Y'all. Hoping this year brings you the happiness and peace you deserve.
Thanks for all your feeback guys. I really appreciate it.
Kolja, hey nice to hear to hear you are into planes. I found out that i love building stuff than playing with them. I have 2 plane projects that i am still embellishing and have not yet flown even one. A new bug now is R/C boats. They are great!
Now that all the holiday season is over, i'll try to be more regular here.
Reason for my absence was that my daughter was visiting me for almost 10 days !!! Yay. I was great fun this. We spent most of the time indoors, playing, watching movies and doing play projects. It was awesome. I never felt more of a dad than this time. I guess it was because she fell sick and i had to take care of her. Wife said that she could come over, but i told her that i could manage myself. I too caught my daughter's bug and fell sick. But i am proud that i could manage her single handed during this time.
On to my sitch a bit. I dunno i guess something happened. Not yet sure how to take it though. On the day i was dropping off daughter to my wife's place, i get a call from her. Wife tells me that she has decided that she's in it for the long run. I did not know how to process that. I told her we could talk at length when i see her. Dropped of daughter and wife and i went to coffee shop to talk. In-laws were babysitting daughter during that time. My SIL was there and i just acknowledged her. I was in no mood to talk to her. It is hard to categorize how the convo went.
It has been a year now that my wife fired the bomb. I have grown quite a bit emotionally during this time. And just like how people indicated, i have come to relish the strange sense of freedom. Freedom from being scared all the time, from being depressed all the time. Freedom from worries on where my R with wife was going. But somehow that day, all those feelings came rushing back. But i kept an open mind and kept a lid on my fears. This time in the convo though, i tried to analyze my wife. See if she has changed any from my perspective. Sadly i felt that she did not. She kept saying that she knew how i was suffering. But she always kept coming back to the point on how much i made her suffer. I acknowledged my mistakes. But she still felt that she was being punished by everyone for having taken the decision. One of the things that really troubled me was that she felt that she was doing me a favor by providing me good access to daughter. Yes, since my daughter is still young, wife has to make her talk to me sometimes when we video conference. But i also felt that it was a right as a dad. Mybe, maybe not. What troubled me was that she had excuses for everything. everything.
We later migrated from coffee house to a restaurant for lunch. It was the first in a year. I felt good that she was receptive for the lunch offer.
We talked about some serious stuff, some mundane stuff. But i got from our talk was that she somehow feels that everyone in her family and mine think that i was a good guy and that she is not. I am not sure what to say there. I did not go and force my in-law's minds there. They have seen me, my actions and have come to that conclusion. She then got upset that i never portrayed her in a good light to my family. Ironically during the 10 years of our marriage, i never once talked bad about my wife to my family. Never until she filed. But i've also learned that these are her feelings and i cannot deny them. I acknowledged them.
We talked about lot of things. we ended the convo saying that we should try to get to counseling soon.
This was on dec-31st. I drove back, and tried calling wife at 12am to wish her happy new year. No one picked up, so i left a voice mail. Looks like she had been to a party.
She called the next day. we talked a bit. Then over the next 2 days we had lengthy conversations again. This time, we did argue some. The main reason was because wife felt that i was somehow still on the fence. I told her while i was elated that we have possibility together, that i was scared a bit. But that i am working to overcome those negative feelings. She then gets upset saying that this is how i was the whole time, always about me and never about the family. At that point, it was like Deja-Vu. The same fears i felt during our old fights. I just wanted to get away from the phone. It seemed like the past was repeating. It was a horrible feeling. We somehow ended the convo, me telling her that she cannot deny what i feel and that perhaps we should try talking about non-R stuff.
There have been other developments over last week. some pleasant. Some not. I am trying not to over analyze each of them.
But the general feeling is that of apprehension. I definitely dont want to get back with her if she has not changed her attitude. But sometimes i am so desperate to have my family back i am willing to overlook that issue.
But at this time, i have tasted the freedom. Freedom from being constantly worrying about my R with my wife. And i love that freedom. I'll go with my wife to counselor first, and then take it from there.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I love planes my self. Have many but since my sitch this summer I have damaged all of them and crashed one last Monday. Can't concentrate but going to the club and hanging out really helps clear the mind.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
This convo with my wife just hit me. So i thought i'd just add it here. When wife called up on 31st and said that she would be in 'it' for the long haul, i wanted to know why she decided. So i asked her when we met.
She said that when she filed and decided to leave me, she had convinced herself that the reason she was leaving was because i was not being a proper 'dad' to daughter. I guess the reason she gave herself was that i was depressed always. Oddly i did not look at it that way. Lot of factors contributed to her wanting out. Honestly i never thought that me not being emotionally available to my 2 year old daughter was a big factor. But i just took that on face value. So apparently that's why she left. Now she sees me how i visit to see my daughter every month, do video calls everyday and see how much fun she is having when she is with me and apparently wife began to question her reasons for leaving. That is why she thought that we should work it out for our daughter.
Good reasoning. The reason i put it here is because i recalled what 25 told me during my early days of misery. To be the best dad you can be and that women do find that attractive. Not that i was faking any of the stuff my daughter. I always wanted to do all the activities with my daughter. Only difference was that this time, i was 'in the moment' and never let other stuff about my life, out sitch bother me. I also helped me grow and become stronger.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
" Not that i was faking any of the stuff my daughter. I always wanted to do all the activities with my daughter. Only difference was that this time, i was 'in the moment' and never let other stuff about my life, out sitch bother me. I also helped me grow and become stronger."
Really good example of your growth and change! Keep it going, Karma!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
