Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster

[2thepoint]

"Everyone who I've asked about whether or not I should take this trip has said I should go, albeit for the right reasons and intention of pay-back."

...meant to say NO intention of payback...

[2thepoint]

W sent me a text late this afternoon to respond to my invitation to join me and our friends in Spain. The tcontent of the short text is as follows:

"I'm not going to go but thank you for inviting me. I really want YOU to go and hope you will."

So W won't be joining me in Spain. I really didn't think she would but do appreciate the fact that she at least entertained the idea, however briefly. And truth be known, I'm ok with it. Really! If all I got was a small crack in the wall, then that is ok for now.

This trip is going to be fantastic for me and my GAL. And although my life over the past few months has been filled with intense emotional pain and heartache, I've also had an opportunity to learn and grow and change and evolve.

Sad that it took a figurative kick to the teeth by my W for me to wake up and realize that I had become complacent and neglectful and that I was not living up to my own potential. But, now that I am awake, I will continue to work on me and hope that one day W and I can find our way back into each others arms. I realize it may never happen, but that is my goal so onward I march.

[rickb89]

You can do it waterboy! From the movie Waterboy....Adam Sandler.

[workinghardguy]

I really want YOU to go and hope you will.

There's another lesson in here 2TP... you and I both have a history of tucking our tails and not doing stuff simply because we THINK it would possibly, somehow, maybe anger our wives. And you were fretting about how she would react... mad? unhappy?

Nope... she wants you to go. I have had pretty much the exact same experience. Each time I tell my W that I am going to do X (usually said with my heart in my throat waiting for her to be angry or disappointed) her response has been "great, have fun".

All the stuff we've missed because we just didn't stand up. And unfortunately really no one to blame but ourselves.

[2thepoint]

"There's another lesson in here 2TP... you and I both have a history of tucking our tails and not doing stuff simply because we THINK it would possibly, somehow, maybe anger our wives. And you were fretting about how she would react... mad? unhappy?"

Well, yes and no. I mean there were plenty of things that I did regardless of how W felt about it which is part of the reason I find myself here.

But on the other hand, over the years as W became more and more disengaged from even basic interactions with others outside of our family, I did find it to be a lot like walking on egg shells and always felt like I had to "make my case" for anything I wanted or needed which always led us into the same lather, rinse, repeat cycle that eventually drove us to where we are.

I think in this case, I was so fearful of antagonizing W and pushing her further towards D instead of drawing her away that that was the basis for my anxiety. I always have Sandi's admonition running through the back of my mind... "Do what works!"

So I was fearful and anxious and all the other emotions you could imagine. But, I found a workaround that seemed to work out for everyone.

"Each time I tell my W that I am going to do X (usually said with my heart in my throat waiting for her to be angry or disappointed) her response has been "great, have fun"."

Yep! I can totally relate to this. But then I often felt guilty later because I wondered if W just responded in the affirmative just to appease me or if she truly wanted me to do whatever. I think for me it was more often than not that she was just appeasing me which is where really good communication skills and trust come into play. And of course I and my W both suk at this.

In my next R whether it be with my W or someone else, communication is going to be a HUGE focus. It has to be! Know what I mean?

[rickb89]

2TP - it's tough to accept the counter-intuitive premises of DB'ing. You get your own life, focus on you, detach, improve yourself for yourself, etc., but I imagine deep down inside all of us we are hoping so much that our spouses miss us, see our value in the present and feel drawn back to us.

So when you tell her you are going to do this or that, I suspect there's a part of you that fears that she will say okay and seem to not even care that you are doing it. In other words there's fear that they will be glad you are moving on with your life.

Such a game of poker.

[rickb89]

BTW you really deserve to go on this trip. I imagine dewp inside your W feels this too.

[2thepoint]

So when you tell her you are going to do this or that, I suspect there's a part of you that fears that she will say okay and seem to not even care that you are doing it. In other words there's fear that they will be glad you are moving on with your life.

Exactly!

[2thepoint]

BTW you really deserve to go on this trip. I imagine deep inside your W feels this too.

I agree. And then today I was reviewing some old texts from ym W and this one stood out for me:

"I've thought about it a lot & I'd like/need to take a long weekend away..." "I'm gonna lay by the pool, maybe a mani/pedi and shop a little..."

Of course what she failed to include in her text was the fact that the OM was also included in her plans. And how do I know this? Well, when you leave a resort receipt laying around and it shows the number of guests = 2......

So yeah, I'd say I deserve to get a life!!

[Rick1963]

Hang in there 2tp it all very much stinks. I know our sitch are different but the end could be the same so I know how u feel.Do this trip for you and have a blast.