ITM, I wish I had something tangible to fight. I think I just decided we need to separate. Our MC called me to set up an appointment for Monday and his belief is that H is truly on the fence. However, he doesn't think H wants to hurt me...and so he'll never get off.
He thinks H is waiting for me to make a move or he'll continue like this forever. Why change? He has the best of both worlds. And, we doubt OW will cave before me...she is going through a divorce and likely in no rush to settle down again.
MC also thinks H isn't telling me things because he doesn't want to hurt me. Who wants to tell the mother of their children that they're having a great time without her every weekend with another woman?
MC also doesn't think H is unusual.
Sad, yes. But, just more of the same. Given I don't know where H is this weekend or when he is coming home...it feels like my decision is made.
Too bad I don't know when H will be home so I knew when we'd be able to talk about this in person. UGH!!!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
One other question since I'm reaching this key point.
I assume everyone agrees I should not reach out to OW? I have her email address or could text her. I'm not even close to doing it...but is there any thing I could say to help my cause?
I don't think so...I think it gives her too much power. However, maybe there's something I say once I know I have even less to lose? Still thinking it's probably too risky.
"Hi, I'm H's wife. I feel like we should know each other from being in this "threesome" over the past several months. I'm sure H will tell you that we've decided to separate. I'm tired of all the lies and I'm sure you are too. This will be a really tough time for our family and I'd appreciate it if you could give H time to be here for his girls to help them deal with this".
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
You see - the problem is, usually it will make the H rush to the "defense" of his poor traumatized OW. And let's face it, a separated woman who picks up a married man when she's on an airplane - do you really think she's going to have a conscience?
I only know of one incident when confronting the OW did any good. An acquaintance of mine found out her husband was having an affair with some young thing at the hospital where he worked. She went down there and read her the riot act - and the affair stopped.
BUT - she's a strong beautiful woman with everything going for her - including confidence - and the OW was a wimpy young thing who couldn't hold a candle to her really.
(I do remember my ex-husband talking admiringly about her feat at the time lol).
But unless you have reason to believe your H has told her some whoppers (beyond the ordinary "our marriage was already dead" stuff) then I don't see any good coming out of talking to her. And if she was the kind of good person who would back off and give your marriage a chance - well, she wouldn't be having an affair with a married man with three kids, now, would she???
I agree....don't. It does you no good. It's better to keep your dignity.
If you did decide to do it against the advice here don't say "hi" say something like "I have decided to separate from H because of all his lies....I would expect you not interfere with H ability to be available for our children."
Anyway....stay strong.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Btw - if you have a good female friend, get a bottle of wine and rent She-Devil with Roseanne Barr and Meryl Streep and watch it with her. Not exactly DB, but funny as all get out - Roseanne as the jilted wife exacting her revenge on her philandering hubby.
Starsky, you are right, I don't know for sure. I just really sense she is separated based on how often they get together, do vacations etc. Very much seems like a woman who has her kids 50% of the time. (I do know for sure she has 3 kids)
Separation feels much more real. H told his sister last night (who will be visiting next month from abroad) that I won't be at the family gathering they are planning. He didn't tell her details. He said he told her that because I had said I wouldn't be there. I reminded him that the only reason I won't be there is because he is having an affair. We had some text messages in the middle of the night last night about needing to talk more when H gets home about logistics.
I feel sad/torn up inside. I hope H feels some of the same emotions (although not sure much can penetrate his fog)
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
That seems like the only book I haven't read on affairs. I've read some snippets from it and part of me agrees with the title. You recommend it?
I texted H and he doesn't know when he'll be back here yet. (I believe he'll be back by Monday because we have a counseling appointment and he agreed to go). He sees OW for the first time tonight in 2 weeks...blah.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
We now live in a society that doesn't reward personal responsibility....the schools are too hard, everybody is a winner, and hard work isn't rewarded but almost frowned upon. So why should it be different in a failed marriage...it is always the other spouses fault. I am not a religious man, but they had it right when they said he who hasn't sinned can throw the first stone. Hence in our world the biggest step we can make is not blaming the runaway spouse, but instead looking in the mirror and say "What could I have done differently?". Now that doesn't mean you are the cause of his actions....just taking ownership in our part of what has happened.
Wow, LFW. This is great! I'm going to post it over on my thread, so I can easily refer to it. It's something I've always believed, but you put it so eloquently into words! Thank you!
