feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[MynameisMZ]

Are you able to detach and let it be? Let It Be ITM....
<<<HUGS>>>

[imthemom]

Funny you should say that word..detach...
25 posted a definition of detaching on somebodys post that i found this morning. I emailed it to myself and am going to do my best!!!!
Thanks..:)

[imthemom]

journaling.....
this is my last week of internship (for medical assistant) at the Docs office. Then I start back at my "real"job at the high school in town on the 9th. As soon as I get my cert. i can start looking for a job. Cant believe I finished the whole process!.. I started the night classes in April, back when we had tentative plans that would enable me to quit the job at the high school and take my time looking for a job at a hospital close to home. Hard to believe how much my life has changed since then..who knew that 4 months later H would be sleeping with someone else and becomeing a person I dont even know...

Im getting to the point that i just want my life back, i want to get back to my usual schedule of running and going to the gym after work, and cooking dinner on a regualr basis and walking the dogs and just living my life...the internship kinda threw a wrench in that a little but I also have spent a lot of time trying to figure out WTH happened and WTH is going on...at this point it doesnt matter anymore. I have been neglecting myself and just want to get back to me.

I started smoking again when all this started and i REALLY need to quit that!!..have set a date and am cutting back (thats how i did it last time) and am going to start training for a run in february. that should get me back at it...

4 months and the D will be final...unbelievable that I will be a single woman again. is there a dislike button on here??????

[imthemom]

MZ and Abby..
You guys have talked about how your 180s included a little bit of persueing on your part as that is what your H needed...out of curiosity, explain that to me.

Since i started this DBing i have thought that what was suggested was really counter productive because our biggest problem in our M was that H always pursued and i always was the aloof hard to get one. Yes, when he first dropped the D bomb i flipped and cried and said i would do what ever it took but he wasnt intetested...he was neck deep in A by then. So now were 4 months from D..a big 180 would be to pursue..but how do i do that while he is still seeing OW and im behaving "as if" the divorce is fine with me.?
Ive always felt like i went about this wrong, if i would have mildly pursued at first instead of crying...i think it would have worked better.
Just curiouse to hear peoples thoughts on this approach...

[MynameisMZ]

Wow...OK. I was like you. My H pursued me over a 5 year period and I was not interested. Then we re-met serendipitously and something clicked between us. We married and had children and I remained very much a mother and a productive provider. I come from a family with a strong work ethic. I have a good career and H is an under-achiever although much brighter than I am.

He was always the pursuer in our R. When I really started suspecting the A I woke up. My outline is in the Piecing section? No, in Keeping Love Alive....I'll find it.

Anyway, I went looking for him while I thought he was at golf, but then thought maybe he was w ow. I finally made contact at one of the restaurants I knew they frequented. We touched base by cell ph and I told him where I was. He came there, got in my car, and I just broke down. I cried and cried, hyperventilated.....and all the while I was doing this I was thinking how pathetic I was to be showing signs of weakness. To my absolute surprise.....!!!!!....he held me and said, "OMG, you came for me." I didn't know then that what I was doing was an 180, but I knew I had to move in emotionally.

A LOT of crap and gaming went on for another week and a half when we began to discuss his "EA" and I issued my LRT. I could not believe it had only remained an EA, although I so desperately wanted to believe that it had. I....I offered.... to move to our cottage. He told me he did not want that and that he needed me to move in closer to him. I did and have not left him since.

I know my story is different, but that is what I did.

HOWEVER, I did write him a letter. I wrote him what I call the "I get it letter." I outlined everything I knew I did wrong and included things I knew he thought I did wrong....even tho I did not agree with some of those things. OK, maybe I was "manipulative" in that way.....or maybe not because he EXPERIENCED me as that way. Bottom line: I validated his view and his feelings. I think that was a BIG move in the right direction as far as what I could do. Even tho I did not agree with some of his sentiments, it did give me an idea of what he was vulnerable about. He has always been jealous of my career and success. I don't agree that that is something to be resentful about, but he was.

More later.....

[imthemom]

Thanks MZ...ive found some of your old threads and have been reading them...you were fortunate that he never left. I feel like the fact that we are living apart and halfway threw the divorce process puts huge nails in my coffin..

H recieved support settlement from my attorney yesterday...just another reason to hate me. I spent the night feeling horrible and like im a bad person for it..he says he wont be able to live...dont they all say that??? And ive been srviving on pretty much what he would be...i guess i hoped that he would have a better attitude and take the approach that we deserve to be taken care of after what hes done...not so much...

[MynameisMZ]

I have not met a man yet who didn't go right to $.

A doc I work with said that he and his new wife offered to not take child support from her ex and he dropped all his fuss about the kids moving with her and her new hubby.

[imthemom]

Today has been one of those days that i feel like i havent had in awhile, although i could probabley look back on my threads and that wouldnt be true. I woke up this morning with the very first thought in my head of "he loves her, not me..he doesnt even care enough to hate me..."

Its been 5 months since D bomb...2 months since A discovery and im still so devistated, granted theres a little more time between but im still locking myself in the bathroom, turning on the shower and sobbing like im having a complete break down...i dont know how much longer i can hold up walking around on the vurge of tears every waking freaken minute...grocery shopping makes me tear up...there are days i just miss him, even though we had problems..i thought he loved me.
I think tonight its a sleeping pill and bed, under the covers...early...i cant take another night knowing hes a few blocks away with her...

[MynameisMZ]

Oh ITM...<<<HUGS>>> It has to get better. It has been only 5 months! This, as MWD says, is "Hot off the press!"

You will not feel like this forever. Keep reminding yourself of that!

Ask yourself, "Did I really want this?" I have a friend who is married 30 years to a man who is alcohol and drug addicted....I can't think of a worse "ow."

It's time for YOU girlfriend! Time for you to get some pampering and become the woman you really want to be. Focus on you now. Forget him.

If it comes back, well then you know what to do. If it doesn't then you will move on and will be a better, stronger woman.

[imthemom]

I know, I know MZ...and Ive taken adantage of this "time for me"..starting a new career, bettering my relationships with my sons, my oldest needed alot of work and it has grown leaps and bounds since this all started. Doing alot of soul searching about my insecurities and what I did to bring my life to this point and owning it...thats huge for me.

When I think about what is happening with my R now, and yes I still call it an R...even though Im sure he doesnt like to think of it this way, im still his wife, i go in circles...i second guess...My H does not consider what he has done an A. to him it was ok because in his words we were seperated (although still spending all our time together up until he met her and still in the mind frame of not getting divorced) and he had told me he was done (although he did not tell me this until after he had started the A and had been seeing her for 3 months i have since found out) yes he had disappeared and had become distant and I assumed he was working (that was a problem of ours, he would work weeks without a day off and always put work before anything to do with the family) well...he was telling me he was working...
but the fact that he believes that he is not having an A since all the above is how he sees it makes me crazy...like im living this in my head and am over reacting!!! all the lieing and sneaking around does not factor into it for him..
last night we had about an hour convo by text for the first time in months...the jist of it was we both said we were sorry for how things were handled ..we both did things to bring us to this point. We both care about each other and hate that we have hurt each other the way we have. He wishes I would have given him the attention and affection that he so desperately needed going through his recovery and I wish I would have been there for him more dureing that period...it ended with him telling me that he was not in love with her but does he like her? yes...does he like spending time with her? yes...and then we both said how talking like this felt good and that we both missed talking to each other. I know that alot of people on this board have these talks with there WAS all the time...this is a first for us. I dont know what it means, part of me thinks that he is trying to appease me because of the money situation. He has to sign the support order in the next week or so and he thinks its way to much. the other half of me wants to believe that this is a crack...but how can he talk to me like that and then get on the phone and talk to our son (who has NO IDEA about the A and thinks his dad is so lonely sitting at his new house alone all the time) and then litterally turn over in bed and have sex with another woman...who he has been seeing for almost a year from what I can guess, and then say he did not have an A??????

part of me says I should start really moving in and being more friendly ....but ive tried that before (christmas) and he always turns it down. But then last night he was again saying he didnt want it this way...it sounded so simple last night, i didnt say so but the main point he spoke of was how i wasnt giving him any affetion, he would tell me he loved me and I wouldnt respond. To me that is a simple fix...we work on our M and learn from this and keep our family intact...instead he chooses to keep seeing her and says that she had nothing to do with him making his desicion....It frustrated me that he is not being honest..

I cant decide if I should just let it be what it is or start making an effort to be friendly to him and see how he reacts....

going to a wedding reception tonight to dance and get my mind off of him...in the end its his desicion but I hate how hes rewriting the whole story...its BS!!!