I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[ericmsant2]

Tad,

I was going to go through all of your posts to show you how many times people have asked you questions about YOU, about what YOU want to do for YOU, about learning to really detach and move on. Sorry but about 6 hours in, I had about 600 quotes.

I’m not saying this to be hard dude. Look maybe some folks will not come out and just say it. F it I will. Your stuck man! Totally freaking stuck. I have been stuck before man. It [censored].

You still have not figured out that nothing YOU do will change her mind. Nothing you say, do not say, do, do not do, manipulate, do not manipulate, control, do not control. Will change HER mind.

Only she can.

So what is a dude to do?

Option 1 – Stay stuck forever….always looking over your shoulder, always worried about what she will say do or thing. Dude….ya may not want to hear this but she has been F’ing someone else. She has divorced YOU.

Option 2 – Learn to accept that RIGHT now…and maybe for a very long time, she is lost, gone, jumped off the deep end. She has checked out. If you can accept this and THEN TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE. You will feel better.

I am years into this…years….my XW is so f’d up it aint funny. Yesterday she calls and when I tell her not to….her response…”what you don’t want to hear my sexy voice”? My response….”no I do not, that is for you and whom ever you are with”. Dude, they want to keep you close, want you to stay “waiting for them”. It really is the ultimate power trip. So ya feel like you are going to continue to give you power over to someone that does not appreciate you..

F it….let me be more direct. Cause honestly….I think you need to hear it.

Where my friend is your self respect? Your mojo? Where is the man that she fell in love with? He is freaking lost in his own pool of pity, loss of confidence, doubt….a ton of negative stuff in this pool. Do you want to keep swimming in this pool? Have you considered that maybe just maybe you are used to being in this pool? Have you considered that maybe you have some deeper chit to deal with…..most notably getting back your self respect?

Tad – time to man the f up. Stop side stepping the real issue. Stop expecting everyone to tell you it is gonna be okay. Stop expecting that all of sudden she is gonna wake the F up. Stop it. Make YOURSELF a promise – to be happy dude. I actually forgot how old you are….but dude, life is short man. Go freaking live it. Let her go. Give her what it is she wanted.


This is a hard post dude and maybe I will get banned for it. I say F it…if….it finally wakes your as* up.

Step off the damn rollercoaster already.

One big lesson I have learned…….in order to love someone else….YOU MUST FIRST LOVE YOURSELF!

You know how to reach me….even if that call is to tell me off. I dare ya – call me… double dog dare ya!

FTR, this post is the edited version.


Oh...and

I find that 2x4's can be harsh and depressing sometimes

I find 2x4's CRITICAL in trying to help someone see where they may be stuck. The old saying....if it stings, well look at it.

Eric

[Mach1]

I find that 2x4's can be harsh and depressing sometimes. We need to hear them but we also need guidance, help in figuring this out.

While I agree in principal, I disagree that one getting their hand held throughout this, or multiple choice questions, can be useful in finding one's own answers....

My post was about Tad not doing his own work.


There can be a distinct difference between a 2x4 , and some brutal honesty, with that difference being how the advice is taken.

These are merely my observations here, based on what I have seen and lived through. They can be taken in whatever context you care to take them in....

I apologize if I offended you in any manner....

Although, I stand by what I said to Tad.

[exquisitetobe]

Guys,guys,guys,

i wasn't attacking anyone. I was thinking of my own circles of anger and depression. When you get really low, you need the 2x4's but you also want guidance and support.

Tad knows, you guys are his support. He comes on this site for the same reason we do. Why not give him other things to try?
Why not try another approach since he is not listening to your advice?
We want him to focus on himself, right?

Sorry if I offended anyone! It wasn't my intention!

[AntoniaB]

I think Eric and Mach made some terrific points in their posts. There are many times that I've wanted to say a lot of what's been said above and I erred on the side of caution because I'm not big on direct 2 x 4's...I try to reason with people and avoid saying anything I think might be too harsh.

However, I've posted more help to Tad than any single person on this entire board in the past year, and spent more time coming up with ways to say "this is why you go dark" and "this is how" and "this is a way you begin to GAL" or whatever, and no matter how I present advice or alternatives, the fact remains, that nothing changes in Tad's approach to his XW, and I know an awful lot about Tad's XW whom I will never meet, but I know nothing about Tad himself, his goals for himself, his dreams, his plans for how he's going to GAL and how he's going to protect himself from his XW's onlsaught of manipulative behavior.

It's almost kind of insulting, really, to have all these people's true life experience discounted, time and again. The thing that I respect about so many people here is that when they have been challenged with questions, they have done "the work" to look inside and answer those questions.

To me, if someone is going to take the time to give me a 2 x 4, some constructive criticism, as has been done to me from time to time, then I owe it to them to TRY to answer and TRY to work on myself and stop being comfortable in the victim role.

I feel like I have tried "nearly everything" in order to help Tad. I feel like nothing gets through.

I have wondered if the only thing I personally haven't tried is going dark MYSELF with Tad.

Obviously I haven't yet or I wouldn't be posting this. But it has crossed my mind.

I feel badly for what Tad has gone through, because I know what it's like, just as all of you do. But there comes a time you have to pull yourself out of the muck or life will never, ever change.

[exquisitetobe]

Point taken

I apologize!

TAD, YOU HAVE ALOT OF PEOPLE HERE, WHO WANT TO HELP BUT, YOU NEED TO APLY SOME OF WHAT YOU LEARN.

[25yearsmlc]

what antoniaB said....

it is frustrating and feels fruitless. I have posted long, numerous posts on this thread.

To see such big backslides this long out makes me feel, intuitively, that Tad is not a strong man.

Tad, you must know that if you are a weak man, that is not attractive.

Whether it's true or not is beside the point.

What you are giving off, reeks of weakness and neediness. That has gotten you here.

What are you going to do to change that? More of the same?

OR - You could try one of the 4382 ideas suggested here.

your life, your choice.

[tested metal]

All I can say that is that nothing ever gets done without the proper motivation. We can all tell you exactly what to do and how to do it but, it is up to you to follow through.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

My point is, what is YOUR motivation Tad?

What do you want to see happen?

You are at the very important cross in the road where a very hard decision has to be made for the sake of yourself. If the R survives, then great. But you have to save yourself first.

It is like helping a drowning victim. You have to learn how to swim first , before you can help them.

Good luck! I am cheering for you!

[ericmsant2]

Hey Tad

I am still waiting for that call and YOUR response.

How about this? I was thinking of writting an application that would auto send you a text every 30 mins asking you to respond. He he he....

On a serious note....

Ready to roll up the sleeve and do some of the serious work?

Eric

[ericmsant2]

Still waiting Tad......

I'll be available at 10PM tonight...my time.

Oh...the application that I am writing is almost done.

Eric

[ericmsant2]

Still waiting Tad.......