H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[Some Day]

I am looking for insights from experienced Piecers on this board. I have posted my sitch in newcomers (see link below). Yesterday, I was surprised when my H said he was ready to work on our relationship. I need advice on how to proceed. I don't want to do anything that would set us back now that he is actually open to reconciling. Please help!

My Newcomers Thread

[angel61]

Hi SD! I read your thread and saw your latest post.

Although it does seem that your H has some positive changes, Cadet may be right that it may be just a touch and go.

If it is MLC then the timeline seems rather short, he may just be peeking. He did have some hard lessons though which could have helped him along, like the time he got demoted. Also, you have been handling it so well so far! Unlike many of us here, you seem to be so well controlled. I think it helps that you have no children, as there are less factors to complicate or cause strong emotions.

Read through the different threads here. Things you will find out is that piecing is that it:

1. One of the hardest phases - this is because we have gotten used to the bad situation and have adjusted our ways and our expectations. We do GAL, we detach.... and suddenly, things change.

2. Takes time - remember that it took time to get to where you are now. Things will not get better overnight. Feelings will not come back easily. Part of piecing is making the decision to re-commit, and to love again. Sometimes the decision is made in the head but it takes time to mean it. On your part, you will be battling with trying to trust again, forgiving, putting any images of OW in your mind.

Keep on doing what you are doing, and let your H lead the situation. No expectations as for now. Don't pressure him. He should be the one who wants to come back fully,not because you made him do so or held him to his word (I know you are doing exactly that, just wanted to validate), to make the decision and the realizations and learn the lessons fully. Just be the kind of person he loved before, that he would want to come home to. You have been doing great so far.

[Some Day]

Wow, angel61. Thank you so much for taking the time. This is such a lonely journey sometimes and I don't know what I would do if I did not have this board to vent and learn from others.

Unlike many of us here, you seem to be so well controlled. I think it helps that you have no children, as there are less factors to complicate or cause strong emotions.

Thank you for noticing. Yes, I have had to exercise more discipline and self-control through this than any other time in my life. That's not to say I haven't said a few things I regret, but I usually catch myself, and correct course as fast as I can. I honestly don't know how I do it. So many times I have wanted to get angry at him, or cry, or confront him, or whatever. But I always think about what I read in DR, which is 'is what I am about to do going to get me closer to my goal? If not, don't do/say it.'

If it is MLC then the timeline seems rather short, he may just be peeking. He did have some hard lessons though which could have helped him along, like the time he got demoted.

Yeah, I don't know if this is an MLC. He presents many of the classic symptoms. However, now I have leared that he may have reactive attachment disorder (RAD) which is actually a condition that develops in children under 5 years old. In adults, it is usually manifested as Borderline or Histrionic peresonality disorder. One thing I have noticed lately is that H demonstrates some narcissistic traits and seems to seek out attention. I never noticed it before, but perhaps it has always been there.

Things will not get better overnight. Feelings will not come back easily. Part of piecing is making the decision to re-commit, and to love again. Sometimes the decision is made in the head but it takes time to mean it. On your part, you will be battling with trying to trust again, forgiving, putting any images of OW in your mind.

This is so insightful. My mistake was thinking that once he said he wanted to recommit, the feelings would be there as well. However, based on what happened yesterday, I think you are right. Maybe in his mind he thinks he wants to reconcile, but his heart is not in it. IMO one of the biggest obstacles right now is OW. Although they are no longer together, they text each other pretty much on a daily basis (I know i shouldn't snoop, but again it's me wanting to know if I can actually trust him). As long as this contact continues, I dont' think there will be a chance for us. I never mention OW or the fact that I know they are still in contact.

Keep on doing what you are doing, and let your H lead the situation. No expectations as for now. Don't pressure him. He should be the one who wants to come back fully,not because you made him do so or held him to his word, to make the decision and the realizations and learn the lessons fully. Just be the kind of person he loved before, that he would want to come home to. You have been doing great so far.

Thank you for validating my efforts so far. I will continue doing what I am doing and basically pretend he never said what he said about reconciling. Just keep acting as I have been with no pressure or demands. He knows what he said to me and if he is in fact sincere, over time it will be reflected not just in his words, but in his actions.

[angel61]

I think you should DB even harder now. Do your own thing, do not hang on to his every word or promise.

I think he is just reeling you in, making sure you are still there. It is the old pursuit and distance dance. When you are the distancer, he pursues, and vice versa.

[Some Day]

You are right. My DB coach said the same thing today. I posted some of his advice in my Newcomers post. DB Coach says he lays out some bait to see if I jump. So far, I usually take the bait. Now I need create more distance and get busy GALing!

[angel61]

In my sitch my H used to say, even when it all started, that he knew he was coming back to me someday. This was repeated all througout the year and a half that we were having problems, in different ways.

It may seem unfair, but it seems like what they are asking is for time to figure things out. Deep inside they know they would not leave.

Is it part of MLC? Finding themselves? maybe.

But I sure know that detaching, GALing and all the DB principles are there to protect ourselves.

[25yearsmlc]

You are right. My DB coach said the same thing today. I posted some of his advice in my Newcomers post. DB Coach says he lays out some bait to see if I jump. So far, I usually take the bait. Now I need create more distance and get busy GALing!

what exactly did your H say when he claimed to want to work on things? I missed what he actually said. Did he text that to you? And after this "let's reconcile" text, he then contacted OW and or some other girl?

Is that correct?

here is what else you posted in another thread:

I feel like a doormat many times. It's hard for me to act uninterested, but I see your point. He has no doubt in his mind that I would take him back if he truly wanted to come back.

I have been doing a lot of GALing and a lot less initiating contact or invitations than I used to, but most of the time if he contacts me, I am there for him. It's hard for me not to be. I don't know, I guess I should try acting more disinterested and unavailable.

this ^^^ is clear to me. You MUST become more unavailable even if you "feel" interested. Where the head goes, the heart will follow...if you allow it.

So, you need to KNOW what you need to do and do it, even if you don't "Feel" like it. Eventually you will become more comfortable with that, especially when you see some results.

I don't think the results you are getting right now are what you want. His behavior is mixed or as Cadet says, a "touch and go". That is something you can respond to, differently. When you do new behaviors, you'll eventually see different results.

This takes time. Expect no changes to last, in a short time. He has a lot to process. He's very confused, and conflicted.


By the way, he didn't wear his wedding ring yesterday. I suspect he just wanted it for the interview.


agreed...hence no words of explanation.


Had a great time tonight going ice skating with a friend. It was my first time on the ice and I actually did ok. I didn't fall once! It was also a welcome distraction from the heartache yesterday and this morning. H actually invited me to go to a friend's BBQ today, but I turned him down telling him I had errands to run.



Next time say you have plans, and stay vague. I am not saying you must lie. But volunteering details is not necessary.

And it's NOT helping you or your cause. The "mystery" concept is FOR saving the marriage. Start seeing it that way and it'll help.


He continues texting and calling the OW (I know, I need to stop looking at phone records...I'll get there some day). In fact, she called and texted him this AM. And he called her in the afteroon. He has also continues texting his girlfriend (or whatever she is). So, to Cadet's point, if he were really serious about reconciling he wouldn't be texting/calling these two women everyday. He has more contact with them right now than he does with me.


So, why are you discussing a reconciliation? I mean, what does that word mean in this context?

I can see you two possibly dating...IF HE makes a move towards it.

But I can also see NOT dating him anytime soon. OR saying "no thanks, I'm busy".

You simply must show him that he risks SOMETHING by doing this yo yo game, or he'll have no reason to stop.


You MUST also go out of your comfort zone for many reasons but the main one is,

if you don't NOW go out of your comfort zone and GAL meeting other people, you will be Forced to later, when you single and hurting more than you are now.

Now, GAL and getting out of your comfort zone may help your marriage but for sure will help YOU...

Later on, it'll only be for you.

If you do NOT GAL then
1) you LESSEN the chance of a real restoration of your marriage and

2) even if you did reconcile, you'll lack confidence and you will probably always having that nagging free floating anxiety in the back of your mind that you are not interesting enough...not exciting enough, NOT MYSTERIOUS enough....and that will set you back and keep you from true happiness

and from truly being fully intimate with your h. The worse you feel about yourself inside, the more you'll hold back and the more you will depend on him for your own self esteem.

That is not fair to HIM. It's making him responsible for your happiness; and he's not. It's not his job to make you feel worthwhile. He should treat you well, of course. But your self esteem and your happiness are YOUR responsibility.

When one partner revolves around the other.
It means you are basically bringing nothing to the table b/c you are merely his auxiliary. His "mirror"....

I don't know if he's narcissistic and if that is why the marriage lasted this long.
And I don't want to summarize an 11 year marriage with a sentence or Reader's Digest version of a relationship I'm sure is more complex.

But I know you are not happy and you won't be happy with THIS MAN, if you don't GAL and feel better about yourself.

Then you'll be more confident and you will bring something to the table - like your own interest and hobbies and friends and things that have nothing to do with him.

He may want to join in your interesting life or not. But if all he gets is the same old comfort of the used blanket, he's going to keep wandering after he gets his fix.

You can turn this around but it'll mean you changing. Yes, YOU must change.

You are the one here posting...he's not. Embrace the fact that YOU are willing to change b/c it is empowering. Try to see it that way.

Down the road, perhaps a long road, he will need to change too. We know that.
He may or may not. But you don't control that. So for now, it's ALL you...

Remember as DB says, a m is a relationship between 2 people. If one of those people changes, then the r itself changes, by definition.

So for now, it's all you.

I strongly recommend you do everything in your power to GAL without him and to imagine life without him

but happy...

what would that look like? If he died and enough time had passed, surely you would not shrivel up and die? What would you be doing?

Envision it with details in mind. Who are you hanging with? What are you doing with your time? What new classes/seminars or hobbies would you take up?
What is making you happy in this scenario?

What clubs or churches or clubs would you join? Which of those things can you create in your life NOW?

Here are some suggestions that worked for me.

Most don't cost much.

Most were new to me at the time. Some of them changed my life.

I took flying lessons and got a pilot's license.
Joined a church I liked
Joined a writer's group. Something I wrote was entered in a festival & won.

Began doing stand up comedy. I now write jokes as an avocation.

Took a pottery class. (Very different for me).

Took a photography class.

Joined the Officer's Wives club, which was surprisingly fun. ( I had been way too judgemental about the club before. My loss. I made some great friends there.)

Worked out often/regularly.
(Got in best shape I'd been in a long time. I looked good-felt better about myself.)

Got a new hair style, wore new perfumes I enjoyed. Simple but comforting.

Saw a shrink, got on meds for the winter. They helped.

Volunteered at the Battered women's shelter and got on the board of Directors.

Learned to hunt/fish.

Edited a book.

Took a cooking class.
Auditioned for plays and got roles. Met cool new people.

Gave free seminars on financial management, mostly to women's groups.

Volunteered at the kids's schools. Went on their field trips too.

Most of these involved meeting new people. ALL of them helped me remember what I offer others.

You need to see the value you have in you. You need to realize your gifts and strengths and that your h will lose a lot if he loses you. Believe this.

When I realized finally, that my h was going to do whatever he was going to do and that all I controlled was ME and MY future I detached and

I really GAL.

I began to truly believe that I would be happy no matter what. I began to BE HAPPY and my kids benefitted from that too.

I am sure this radiated from me. Why? B/C I believed it. So it showed.

I think, but cannot prove, that my h noticed this. I think, but cannot prove, that

h began to think HE was going to lose more than I was, by leaving.

Frankly, I don't know what my H was thinking/doing/planning b/c

I stopped focussing on him and his choices

and instead did what I could to make MY Life and the life of my kids, better.

When my h began to change and want to reconcile, he said a lot of things I needed to hear. I heard him but did nothing different. I was pleasant and upbeat but busy. I was not going to be derailed by his words...

Until he DID somethings, I could not waste my energy or hopes on what MIGHT happen with him...

I had created a good life for me and my kids and was not about to toss it away to go back to crazy-pain land, b/c h missed me or had some doubts & wanted to check that I was still waiting for h.

I knew He needed a lot of certainty after 2 years of vascillating
and me letting that make me nuts

til I felt certain of HIS certainty, I was just not interested in risking my hard earned gains for another round of his MLC stuff.

Plus, frankly, I had begun to realize that NOT all was horrible without h. There were upsides to his absence. I really was going to be happy no matter what.

When you see this and believe it (or fake it til you make it, gimmicky but true)

you'll feel better.

[Some Day]

Thanks 25yearsmlc. Your post couldn't have come to me at a better time. I'm starting to feel stronger and willing to DB hard as angel put it. I will address some of your comments/questions below.

what exactly did your H say when he claimed to want to work on things? I missed what he actually said. Did he text that to you? And after this "let's reconcile" text, he then contacted OW and or some other girl? Is that correct?

He told me he had been thinking a lot and that he thought he was ready to work on our relationship. That was on the phone after a brief text exchange. Yes, he continues to contact OW and other girl on a daily basis (texts and phone calls). My DB coach believes H was not sincere about his wanting to reconcile and was only a panicked reaction to finding out I was going on the cruise.

here is what else you posted in another thread:

I feel like a doormat many times. It's hard for me to act uninterested, but I see your point. He has no doubt in his mind that I would take him back if he truly wanted to come back.

I have been doing a lot of GALing and a lot less initiating contact or invitations than I used to, but most of the time if he contacts me, I am there for him. It's hard for me not to be. I don't know, I guess I should try acting more disinterested and unavailable.

this ^^^ is clear to me. You MUST become more unavailable even if you "feel" interested. Where the head goes, the heart will follow...if you allow it.

So, you need to KNOW what you need to do and do it, even if you don't "Feel" like it. Eventually you will become more comfortable with that, especially when you see some results.

I don't think the results you are getting right now are what you want. His behavior is mixed or as Cadet says, a "touch and go". That is something you can respond to, differently. When you do new behaviors, you'll eventually see different results.

This takes time. Expect no changes to last, in a short time. He has a lot to process. He's very confused, and conflicted.

How do I do this without being mean? Is it just saying I am busy or have plans when he asks me to do something? Is it ignoring his text messages or not responding right away? I know him, and the moment I start doing this, he will ask me what is wrong? How should I respond then?

Next time say you have plans, and stay vague. I am not saying you must lie. But volunteering details is not necessary. And it's NOT helping you or your cause. The "mystery" concept is FOR saving the marriage. Start seeing it that way and it'll help.

[/color]

What should I say if he asks? I have tried being vague before and then he starts asking me questions, i.e. where am I going, who am I going with, etc.

He continues texting and calling the OW (I know, I need to stop looking at phone records...I'll get there some day). In fact, she called and texted him this AM. And he called her in the afteroon. He has also continues texting his girlfriend (or whatever she is). So, to Cadet's point, if he were really serious about reconciling he wouldn't be texting/calling these two women everyday. He has more contact with them right now than he does with me.

[color:#FF0000]
So, why are you discussing a reconciliation? I mean, what does that word mean in this context?

Point taken. This is what my DB Coach said too. He can't just say the words. I need to make it clear to H, that reconciling will take work and one of those non-negotiables is HIM proving to me that there is no contact with OW and gfriend. He told me to wait until H said something about reconciling again and at that point make it clear that if he is going to win me back, he has work to do, and I am worth it.

even if you did reconcile, you'll lack confidence and you will probably always having that nagging free floating anxiety in the back of your mind that you are not interesting enough...not exciting enough, NOT MYSTERIOUS enough....and that will set you back and keep you from true happiness.

That is not fair to HIM. It's making him responsible for your happiness; and he's not. It's not his job to make you feel worthwhile. He should treat you well, of course. But your self esteem and your happiness are YOUR responsibility.

When one partner revolves around the other.
It means you are basically bringing nothing to the table b/c you are merely his auxiliary. His "mirror"....

That is not fair to HIM. It's making him responsible for your happiness; and he's not. It's not his job to make you feel worthwhile. He should treat you well, of course. But your self esteem and your happiness are YOUR responsibility.

When one partner revolves around the other.
It means you are basically bringing nothing to the table b/c you are merely his auxiliary. His "mirror"....

This is so true. My self-confidence/self-esteem is on the floor right now. And I have always felt that I am boring and not interesting. And yes, my life revolved around my H. I thinks that's why I've been floundering so much. So yes, I need to GAL harder for ME!

I strongly recommend you do everything in your power to GAL without him and to imagine life without him but happy...what would that look like? If he died and enough time had passed, surely you would not shrivel up and die? What would you be doing?]

I need to GAL harder. So far my GAL activities have included:
-Rock climbing
-Hang gliding
-Riding rollercoasters (I would never get on them before)
-Took swimming lessons (I didn't know how)
-Accepted invitations from friends to go out to dinner, to the club, to go see a movie, to go ice skating (didn't know how)
-I bought some new clothes and jewelry
-Started taking better care of my appearance after neglecting it when this whole situation started up
-Went do the beach, an amusement park, and some other area attractions by myself (something I would have never done before)
-Allowed myself to have a drink socially (not to get drunk; just enjoy one or two drinks when I have been out with my friends. I never did this before)
-I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and have started doing weights and classes I was too afraid to do before
-I take dance classes (great for meeting people!)
-I will be going on a cruise by myself and plan to do activities I have never done before (parasailing, etc.)

Some things I am considering are getting more involved in my community and volunteering. Get out of the house and walk more. Try to be more sociable (I'm an introvert so I find it hard to make friends).

You need to see the value you have in you. You need to realize your gifts and strengths and that your h will lose a lot if he loses you. Believe this.

I really need to work on this. DB Coach says I need to believe that I am wonderful and worth it.

It's been slow in coming, but I think I am finally ready to REALLY dettach and do all these things that you, the others, and my DB coach have suggested. Thank you so much!

[Some Day]

Another quick question. When he does invite me to do things, should I always turn him down or should I accept some of them?

[Amada]

Wow! This post is very helpful! Thanks to you for beeing so open. I am not a great writer I rather dislike writing, but I needed to say this! Thank you and Merry Christmas!!