Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

Question?

My H said we need to start putting our separation papers together. He's really afraid that I might try to take the kids away from him if I ever got really mad, and I was honest with him that I felt the same because he has the financial stability. After a friend went through a nasty custody battle (involving the W being addicted to drugs and multiple arrests), my H seemed inspired to 'protect both of us'. I was able to sit with him and pleasantly discuss kid and money stuff. We still have many more details to work out, but that was all the time we had.
When he was leaving, he made a point to say: "Thanks for talking with me, I know this isn't easy for you. I feel a little better."

I have such mixed emotions about this. On one hand, I'm proud of myself for keeping my depressed emotions in check during the talk- these are things I never thought i would have to discuss and it's killing me inside. It made me feel good that he acknowledged my effort... but the fact that he was nice to me is upsetting. Because to me, it says that he's at peace with his decision and has no intentions of ever thinking differently

I am still focused on making my changes permanent and showing him every chance I have... but it's making me depressed that I don't think it will ever work to get him back. I know that I chose to make these changes for myself (and that is still true) but I can't lie and say that I didn't hope that by me becoming a better person and more comfortable in my own skin.... that it would cause a change of heart in him.

Off I go to look into college classes to try and get myself on track for a job

[purgatory]

Need help today.... I messed up.

We were having a great family morning and my H was talking and laughing with me (just like old times). He even saw me texting and asked who I was talking to (he hasn't cared about that in months!) I was feeling really good about our interactions today....
Then he made a call and said 'hey you! I wanted to thank you for helping me the other day...' I left the room because I could tell he was talking to a woman based on his tone, and I assumed it was a woman in his office that I have been jealous of for a while. Alone in my room, I texted my best friend and told her that I was really upset because he had the nerve to call her right in front of me! I got a text from her a few minutes later saying that it was her that he was talking to (this doesn't make me jealous/mad because they are friends too and he helps her a bunch since her H is deployed.) I felt better. I went back to the other room, and H asked me what was bothering me because he could see I was upset when I left the room. I tried to play it off and say I was fine. Meanwhile, I kept getting texts from my friend explaining the details of their phone call. H asked me why my phone was blowing up and I lied and said they were FB updates. He didn't buy it, and Got quiet and mad. 10 minutes of silence.... I admitted that I was upset earlier because I assumed it was the office woman and I was hurt that he would call her in front of me. He asked why I lied to him about that and the texts that I received (I was unaware that at some point, my friend had told him that I had vented to her so she had explained their conversation.) I told him that there is no excuse for lying and I didn't want to admit my insecurities/jealous to him. He continued to be upset and said: "You sent a clear message that I can't even talk to someone without monitoring what I say because of fear of hurting your feelings. And that you feel the need to share every part of our R with your friend- nothing is private anymore. I was a fool to think that we can have family time yet, you aren't ready." [Every bone in my body wanted to cry, defend, apologize over and over] but what I was able to say was: "I'm sorry that I felt the need to lie to you. I was protecting my own insecurities, but it doesn't make it right. Please don't punish the boys by taking family time away because of my insecurities." In the past, this would have blown up because I would have defended my actions and told him that he wasn't being fair... so I'm proud of myself for keeping calm and acknowledging his feelings. He said that nothing I say right now to make him feel better, he just needed time. So I left the house to give him some space.

This might seem silly for him to get so upset about- but there's underlying past issues of insecurities and trust that play into the severity of this exchange.

How do I recover this?!? In just a few minutes, I showed him that I'm insecure, jealous, run to my friend when I'm upset and I lied to him. I managed to ruin what was looking to be a great family day

[sunshine76]

Hi Purgatory, your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. I too was angry and not pleasant to come home to. Unlike you I was not suffering from post-pardum depression I was just incredibly unhappy with myself and had never dealt with all the stuff in my past.

I am very sorry that on top of everything else you are having some pretty serious health issues. I know that it is easy for me to tell you that you really need to try to take care of yourself right now, but in all honesty you do. If you don't have the strength to do it for you than do it for your kids because they need you to be healthy for them.

I haven't figured out this whole detachment thing either. I think if we were able to figure it out and provide a step by step guide we would be richer than Oprah and be able to take GALing to a whole new level

I really hope that you are able to find something that helps reduce your stress and anxiety!! Posting on this board and knowing that I am not alone has helped to reduce some of the anxiety for me.

I am also trying to keep myself in the moment so that I am not constantly worrying about the future (I'm a worry wart, what can I say?). Focusing on the hear and now has helped relieve some of my stress and anxiety as well. Don't get me wrong I am about as far away from becoming the Dali Lama as I am to figuring out how to detach, but it is something I am working on so that I become healthier.

Anyway, sorry I don't have any real words of wisdom for you, but I hope you are able to figure out what is going on with your heart and that you are doing ok.

Take Care

[purgatory]

Sunshine,
Thanks for finding me I too noticed some similarities to our stories. After almost a year in therapy, I have finally come to peace with myself. I like me again Now my work is to be the 'new me' everyday so my kids can have a good mom, I can be proud of my growth...and hopefully, my H will see that these changes are permanent.

When we figure out the detaching thing- we should call Oprah, maybe we can get a show on her new network I see my H everyday (even though I try to avoid it) and I still get the butterflies and want to run and kiss him... in my head I can detach and rationalize everything, I wish someone gave the memo to my heart

I'm struggling to GAL. My kids take up the majority of my time. But my H and I have made a weekly schedule in which I get all day Sunday and Thurs. night to myself, so I've been trying to find things to do. **I've discovered something about myself through this process: I'm more introverted that I ever thought. All of my GAL ideas- are individual. My H was always a social butterfly, so I did everything with him, I just never realized that if I had my choice, I would do things alone... So that is a 180 I have implemented for myself: to GAL with other people.... but haven't had any luck

Reducing my stress is my main prescription from my cardiologist. My heart monitor is a watch (a gift from my H when he found out about all this- even though we were separated) and it is set to go off if my heart rate gets too high... I've learned that being around him (even good times) can get it to go off. I think my anxiety of 'what's going to happen next' gets is going. So like you, I will try to stay 'in the moment'... after all, I can't stay in the past and I can't jump to the furture

[purgatory]

I need suggestions:

My H has been leaning heavily on his dad through this whole process. {back story} His dad and mom divorced 5 years ago after 30 years together. His dad had been having an EA for 15 years with the woman next door... fast forward to now, he is now married to the woman next door.... so his dad has an interesting perspective on the concept of marriage and divorce.

I have found out that his dad has been encouraging the D from the beginning. Although my H said that he never lets any of his family talk bad about me... I know that his dad didn't try to stop him. He has said things like: "you need to find your happiness, and if it's not with her, than go get it."

His family has seen some of our fights early on in the marriage. Like I said, I was a nightmare to be around for 2 years while I suffered from post-pardum (with no meds at the time.) I was a control freak and very mean if things didn't go my way... so I have to accept that those memories are still in his family's mind.

I would bet $$ that my H hasn't shared with them anything positive that I have changed in the last year, or 6 months since our separation... that makes me really mad! He probably also said that he's "tried everything I could do" on his part (when he readily admitted in our joint session that he "sat around and waited to feel the spark again") I'm sure he didn't tell his dad that! He's only sharing the bad stuff with them, so of course they are going to say that he should leave me, based on what they have seen in the past and what he chooses to share with them.

His dad was the first one to tell my H that he could see something special between us and he's even the one who helped pay for my engagement ring (we were broke college students) SO- he KNOWS that my H and I are good together. What really makes me mad/hurt is that I want my boys to continue having their grandpa in their life- but how can I be around him when I know how much he's supported us breaking up??

[labug]

Forget trying to get support from his family unless they are already leaning that way. I had a great relationship with my SILs for 33 years and then when H and I separated, it felt like I had never existed. They aren't angry with me, they just became silent.

Oh, and my H told my 84 yr old MIL one time that I kicked him out. I didn't kick him out, I asked him to leave after he dropped the bomb. Another time he told her that he got tired of sleeping on the couch. He slept on the couch one night in 33yrs. Give me a break. What he left out of the story to his mother was the part where he said, "I'm done, I don't love you any more, I haven't loved you for a long time and I don't think I can ever love you again." They tell the story that makes them feel better about themselves.

I'm always saddened when people with depression are treated differently than those with other illnesses. If you have cancer people rally around you, support you, tell you how strong you are to fight the good fight, etc. Depression, people don't even want to talk about it, it still has a stigma attached.

[BklynMom]

I think your supposed slip up the other day also reflects on your H snooping at your phone. Next time remember to turn the ringer off.

Regarding you FIL stich it reminds me of a mutual female friend of me & my H who I felt overly supported my H by giving him kid furniture for his new apt. I posted this story on my board and the best advice I got was Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

I know it stinks but if you can somehow impress the old geezer (I only call him that b/c of his despicable actions) it may influence your H.

I wouldnt go crazy trying to win him over but it your think of it more like a secret spy mission maybe it can at least make being around him bearable.

You are doing great. Go easy on yourself

[Harrier]

I was going to suggest something similar. The past...I know it can Influence how you are seen today. But we all can't change it. What we can do is change to future. All I know is that if you have any interactions with FIL make sure they are positive.

Paint a picture of yourself that condradicts what he's telling his father. But in the end you are fighting a losing battle. Do you think if your H changed his mind and wanted to work on the M your FIL would still push for the D?

I learned along time ago people always try to spin stories in their favor. Anything that doesn't favor their story will be left out. (of course it's not your job to supply the missing info either)

It's just tough all around.

[purgatory]

Thank you so much for the comments!

labug: I can relate to the 'partial stories' that get told to the other side His dad has always kept a luke-warm shoulder in my direction- so I'm sure that my H has been spinning thing in his favor for a while.

bklnmom: 'geezer'... that made me laugh! Ever since I met his dad 9 years ago, I had always suspected that he was too close to the woman next door, but my H made excuses and denied that there was anything wrong going on.... then when they announced that they 'had long denied their feelings for each other' (only 1 year after his divorce) I restrained myself from screaming: "I told you so!!"
I would like to try to find a way to 'impress' him...mmmmm... what could I do?
In regards to 'keep your enemies closer'... my plan of attack is through his brother. He will be coming to our house for Christmas, and he's never been my #1 fan (b/c he's fiercely protective of his brother and never allowed himself to warm up to me until a few years ago)... so I plan on impressing him while he's here... and then maybe he can talk to my H on their 13 hours drive to their parents [I'm *really* glad I don't have to make that trip with my boys, lol!]

harrier: sadly, my FIL has made it clear, that he doesn't really plan on having any interactions with me... though actions (or lack there of). Before we separated 6 months ago, FIL would call or text me at least once a week to check on me and the boys... as soon as my H moved out- dark, pitch black. He came up for the Thanksgiving holiday, and was 'plesent' but made no effort to talk to me directly (we used to have hour long talks about sports, politics, kids, everything).

My H is taking the boys to his mom's place and then to his dad's... His dad said "I would love for ya'll to come down after Christmas. I mean, {me} is invited too- but I think it would be awkward." My H tried to say that it was him who decided that I should go (to protect his dad) but he forgot that I heard the conversation from the other room and they were on speaker phone

Another interesting thing I have realized.... My H hasn't talked to him mom in 3 weeks (except to plan the trip). His mom calls me everyday! She has been my biggest supporter! Even though she was the one who left her marriage- she has helped me see what my H needs during this time (space, who would have guessed?!) and insights as to why he left, and how it relates to why she left. She's also shared some feelings about her divorce, that give me hope that I might be able to patch things up with H... such as: "after 2 months, there was a moment when I looked back, and I wanted {FIL} to fight for our M, but he didn't.''
I think my H is avoiding her because she'll probably try to make him think/question his decision.

[kolja]

She's also shared some feelings about her divorce, that give me hope that I might be able to patch things up with H... such as: "after 2 months, there was a moment when I looked back, and I wanted {FIL} to fight for our M, but he didn't.''

(I know my posts are still moderated and this will probably be time delayed, but...)

That's great to hear from your mother-in-law. I have similar hopes in my situation, that my wife will look back...