Adventures in GALing

[AntoniaB]

For my latest adventure in GALing...a report of something I learned from my psychiatrist/something I'm intructed to work on, from my appt. y-day.

My conception of "maleness" is bound up in a few words: protector, insultator, buffer. Therefore with the loss of my XH a long time ago and the loss of my boy cat over a month ago she says my sleeplessness is coming mainly from anxiety related to being without a male in my life, at least on an intimate or "see you most days" basis. The problem is that I have been fed what she is calling a myth about gender, from parents, a mainly patriarchal society, friends, etc., that I've ingrained so much that I believe it, and I have to reverse my thinking and disbelieve it.

There is nothing wrong with believing maleness is synonymous with "protector", but there IS if one cannot also associate "femaleness" with "protector" and that's MY problem. So I feel very vulnerable that I am at last, a woman living with only women (animals, but still) and that I'm their protector, and it's making me hyper-vigilant at night in case anything happens, because I'm their only line of defense (and MY only line of defense). Hence, sleeplessness.

She says I'm also carrying this into my interactions with men in that I don't WANT them to be protective of me or have power over me, because that's the old dynamic with XH, and so I'm pushing them away and making this self-protective armor against them.

I don't have this rel. with women at all, in fact I have a very healthy rel. with women. She thinks that I need to explore (through research, reading) matriarchal societies and the idea that women in some parts of the world really tap into their own power and do not see men as saviors or protectors, but the opposite, which she called "woman as protector of man" or simply an equal sort of footing on this particular issue.

She said there is a phrase she often hears women say, which is "a woman can handle anything as long as she has a man in her life" and she said this is simply a myth, that I do not need a man to handle anything, I can do it all myself.

I guess paradoxically the more I realize this, the less I "need" a man emotionally, the more I am "ready" for a relationship with one should that transpire ;-) I don't feel like she is counseling me away from a relationship but counseling me away from one where I repeat my old codependent patterns.

She also said I need to learn to revise my meaning of "true love." She said "it's my opinion that we are not "here" on this earth to find a true love. That's not our mission. We are not here to mate PRIMARILY. We are here to learn lessons, to pass through people's lives when they need us most and when we need them most and to learn and be taught by many people. Those that we have the most intimate relationships with are our kindred spirits or soulmates. They can be male or female, romantic or not romantic. Maybe we never even meet them IN PERSON but through other ways. When these connections appear in our lives, this is "true love". There are many types of true love and romantic love or sexuality is not greater than the other types."

I thought that was a really interesting way to look at things...because I used to say things like "I'd give up my entire book writing experience just to have XH back, but I wouldn't say that anymore, and there have been moments of discovery and happiness and pure joy and excitement in the writing of the book, and if I think of the book as an interaction with a type of "true love", well no, I woudn't want to lose that for a dysfunctional rel. to come back into my life.


So I don't know if this helps any of the women here or not, because I feel like some of you came into your sitch more independent by far as a woman than me. I was a complete princess in need of rescue, but that came from a well-meaning but HIGHLY patriarchal father whose mantra was "don't you ever worry about anything, little girl, I'll fix it." But I posted just in case it might.

[beatrice]

A very good post. I have lived and worked in the US although I do not do so currently, but when I first went there in my twenties, it was like stepping backwards in time, with regard to male and female relationships. [Not to be rude - there is much that is terrific about the US]

I had a very progressive father whose own mother had taught him that men and women need to be able to take care of themselves. So I went to prestigious and mainly male university at a time when many women didn't go at all [In fact my children's friends think it is very cool]

But I think we still pedal and buy into the myth that women need protecting. And I agree about love and teh prupose of life with your therapist. She sounds like a cool woman.

I used to read my children 'The Wrestling Princess' and books like that that reinforced the idea that women could be capable and funny. Well, I got it across to my kids, but old patterns die hard and my MLC xh wanted someone to rescue, as he has admitted, and I didn't fit the bill so he found himself a damsel in distress! And boy was she in distress.

The point is it is them and not us, as you know. I wasn't needy enough - in fact as my xh said, somewhat resentfully when he left 'You will be all right' as if he alrady knew he wouldn't.

It is very hard for both men and women to be authentic and live up to the expectations of society, and the myths it pedals. A film I do not like overall is 'My Best Friend's wedding' from the theme song 'Wishing and Hoping' ['do your hair just for him'? come on, get real] to the idea that we are completed by love. Although it has a great scene in it of Rupert Everitt singing 'Say a little prayer for me' which almost makes up for the rest.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks Beatrice, and I do think the US has a lot of antiquated gender situations. I meet young women all the time in college who will readily admit that they are there for a degree but only see it as a backup plan because they really just want to marry a rich guy and never work, maybe have a kid or two...

Here's a great illustration of how subtle the myth-building mechanism is: I met a woman in the summer who was separated. She was the leaver because she said she felt he and her STBXH were friends and not lovers. She was 30ish, she wanted out. 3 kids. So she moved out. Since then she joined this gym and she is hugely into fitness and has even been doing training of others. She is physically so strong for such a small woman it's remarkable, and to me, she has been inspiring because of how take charge she has been with her life. Lately she's been posting a lot on FB about her workouts and how empowering they are and how much she's getting out of them.

Well guess what? Last night she posts that she's in a rela. with someone, then the whole 9 yards happens, pics of the guy, friends who never comment on anything else she writes falling all over themselves saying how lucky she is now to have a guy and how lucky he is to have her.

Two things bugged me: one, people didn't seem to celebrate anything she did until she posted she had a guy in her life. And two, SHE admitted that the entire reason her workouts that she'd been posting about were so good was only because HE was there.

So the whole reason I felt her to be inspiring fell apart. She's just as needy for someone to validate her as many women are, and only NOW, she's claiming she is happy. She had so much to be happy and proud of before, and she's ignoring it all. What a shame.

[beatrice]

Well I have a nasty suspcious mind, or a lively and analytical one, depending on how you want to see it. But people who do anything excessively tend to make me uneasy because they often doing it for another reason.

Not saying we shouldn't do anything to excess, but simply that it makes my 'is this person for real' antennae go up a notch. Of course sometimes we have to go the whole 9 yards - especially if we are in a very competitive profession.

I mean why not work on her marriage, and build her body to sublimate her libido, or [gulp, heresy] work on re-building her marriage back into a romance, like ummm DBing? What about her kids. How did they feel about their mom deciding she was quitting on their dad?

Of course people need not stay in a dysfunctional and loveless relationship, but when there are children involved perhaps there needs to be a good reason for walking out.

To be frank I wonder if she wasn't having a smallish MLC?

[AntoniaB]

Beatrice, it wasn't till I typed out my post above and proofread it that I suddenly thought hang on, is she in MLC? I met her at a small dinner party thrown by a married friend who brought all her friends together who had been divorced or who were going through one at the time or separated...now that I think of it the other 3 women I met, well, one was divorced and currently with a guy half her age, and the other two (also my age) were either just moved out on the stbxh or in process of moving on the grounds that their rel. were "friendships" and they had nothing but the kids in common and the women wanted out. I was the only "betrayed" spouse there who was still in love with my XH.

I think my married friend figured she was being supportive in having us all there but honestly I was the oddball as I wasn't "dissing" my XH and didn't want out of the marriage at the time. I wonder if all 3 of them were not MLC...and each one of them had 3 kids a piece. Now I'm kinda glad I never got close to any of them ;-)

[AntoniaB]

Incidentally I've met quite a few women over the years who had a "cheat on him before he does it to you" mantra...and although it seems there are more women on this board who've been cheated on than men, in my immediate life I hear about more women doing it to men than the other way around. I wonder if the board has it skewed in the opposite direction just because men might be less likely to join a sort of "support group" than women, but that in reality, women are the cheaters more frequently??

[Cadet]

Incidentally I've met quite a few women over the years who had a "cheat on him before he does it to you" mantra...and although it seems there are more women on this board who've been cheated on than men, in my immediate life I hear about more women doing it to men than the other way around. I wonder if the board has it skewed in the opposite direction just because men might be less likely to join a sort of "support group" than women, but that in reality, women are the cheaters more frequently??

JMHO but men can't cheat without women.
Kind of takes two to do it.
There are all mens boards out there, but for the most part I would guess that most men do not participate in slef help.

[TRUSTING]

Interesting topic.
When I was younger, I was always very dependent on my father (strong male role model) for protection, security, etc... During my college days, I went to a women's college and learned very quickly the benifits of independence, finacially and emotionally. I grew up a lot and really got to know myself and my needs. I met ex my senior year in college and he was always so attracted by my independence and driven personality. Then when mid-life crisis started, he stated many time how he was attracted to OW because she was meek and "needed him". He also said I would be alright alone and be able to handle him leaving without difficulty. When MLC started, I became needy and weak begging him to keep the family together. He found this repulsive and unattractive. Now I am back to my college days, very independent and happy with my life. Ex sees this confidence and does not know what to do.... it is confusing to him.

[AntoniaB]

Trusting, you make me realize yet again that the MLCer just wants the opposite of us, because it's not about us as much as it is about them :-) My XH claims he went to a super independent woman, but he follows her around like a puppy and she might be independent, but she's controlling. I'm not controlling (and yet independent to him now) and he's baffled by how to interact with me. He even said once "I had no idea you were going to change so much but I can't live too lives, it's too late..." Hmpf. As if I have no choice in the matter of him returning or not...)

Anyway I suspect we search for the happy medium. My doctor said as much to me...she said you have to take the sort of "child" in you who is vulnerable and needs protection and might have issues or anxieties, and take the "good" parts of her, and then take the adult who is probably super resilient and self-sufficient (but who might also push people away as a result) and take the good parts of her and make a hybrid. Like either extreme is just that, an extreme, and often people like us are in a big transition phase trying to find our happy medium.

Like I want to be strong and independent, but not "untouchable" or "distant" or unable to ever have vulnerability.

Cadet I didn't mean it didn't take two to make cheating happen--I was just getting at wondering if women are initiating it more frequently than men are, just because women are more educated (in general) and have more earning power as a result than they used to be and have more choices...I am the only woman I can think of in my immediate friend or friend of friend circle geographically who was cheated ON, but I can think immediately of about 5-8 women I know of around this area who have betrayed their husbands and walked out, and most of them cheated with unmarried, younger men.

And of course this discussion is all about heterosexual rel. anyway, which isn't the whole picture :-)

[TRUSTING]

I have learned through this crisis a very important thing. It does not matter what your Ml'er wants. You have to be yourself, your authentic self. Once they see this you, it reeks of confidence. That is what is important.