I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[AntoniaB]

I agree with angel and 25 on the above stuff.

I don't get at all why you're dating a few women. Look, if you're still that attached to her, as you seem to indicate, why are you trying to find someone who "compares"??

You seem to be skipping the part where you learn how to live without being wrapped up in someone else romantically. Look at the people who are long-term in a good place on this board, (and I'm not even referring to me as I'm just 18 months post-bomb), and you find people who spent quite some time not dating, not trying to fill holes left by the LBS with other people.

Even if you break your attachment to your XW, if you're that quickly trying to find someone who might compare (and you were dating before your divorce was final), then it just comes off like you're filling one codependency with another.

I met a guy recently in a restaurant I go to a lot, and this was him, to a T. He dated soon after his XW and he separated. As a result, he could not handle being "alone." He was going woman to woman....and when I asked him what led to his divorce, he just kept saying "I don't even know, she just didn't want to be married anymore." It was like he learned zilch.

What happened to you and all of us is terrible. But the best you can do is try to learn something from it. I don't know that I see that going on. I see replacement of needs going on...

[25yearsmlc]

when I hear someone saying that they have "no idea" why their m ended, or describe it as having been "all wonderful when out of the blue, BAM a WAS leaves!"...

well, it's one thing to hear that when it's new.

But if that is still the story they give out a year later, when they've had time to reflect and look within

AND they've learned zilch, then they probably have no capacity for insight, or are too afraid to look within (not brave enough to look in the mirror bodes poorly for them as partners,) OR they are deep in denial.

Those are factors fatal to good r's. I'd skip past that person...

Tad, I'm left with a prayer I heard at a group meeting when the speaker said that

"there are times when I have so much to pray/ask for, that I recall that God knows all this so rather than summing up all my needs and requests, I'll just say , 'please God, please'".

That's how I feel here on this thread Tad.

So much has been said to you for over a year. And a lot of it has been said literally a hundred times or more. You learn 3 things, then forget 2, or all 3, and start over.

You seem to re-learn if faster the next time but we are still here on this board with essentially the same problem...you won't detach from a toxic relationship

even in the face of brutal behavior, a divorce that has been finalized, batchit crazy mean behavior in front of and to your son's...

you let yourself get sucked in and you won't stop no matter what we say.

SO I'm just going to say "please Tad, Please....learn."


When you finally do, my prayer will be a one word, "THANKS!"

[AntoniaB]

25 years you're very right on the idea that if someone says they have no clue what happened a year later, that's a problem. For this guy it was 2 years later. He also didn't have any custody of his kid, which he kept breaking into tears over, and that's sad, but when I asked what happened there, he said "I don't know." My radar went off like crazy with him...one minute he was telling me that he was a very respectable guy in relationships who didn't sleep around and really respected women and was ready for rel., the next, I was told by a friend that he went up to the busboy to ask him where the "hot honeys" were because he wanted to "hook up" that night. This guy has spent a long time going into this restaurant and from what my friends there have told me, he laments about his terrible hand he's been dealt to anyone who will listen, but he does not do anything to "work on himself". He just finds women to distract him. At this point, when I or my friends are at the bar/restaurant and he comes in, we leave. The workers are calling him a leech ;-)

I went on a total of 4 hours of "dating" about 7 months after my divorce was over, and really it only amounted to 4 hours of talking to someone in a first meeting since we met in an online service. I felt instinctively it was far to early for this, and I guess everyone is different, but it's now another 5 months past those dates and I just don't look anymore because I feel like I'm still working on being ok with "me." I also don't think it's right to pull someone else into your vortex when you're still going through healing or transition. It's just not fair to that person. It's really no different from the WAS's behavior when they plunge into a new relationship. If you can be on here and talk about detachment and your words and actions express that you are "there", then date with no reservations. But Tad, your level of ATTACHMENT is so extraordinary in the face of such rotten and mean behavior, that in my opinion you have serious work to do on asking yourself why you have that level of attachment to pain before allowing any other women to think they have a chance in a relationship with you.

I mean, maybe these other women you've dated are attracted to "men in pain", but that isn't very healthy either...

[angel61]

I think 25 is already blue in the face..... and frothing at the mouth.....

Just like her, I also do get that feeling that I am banging my head on a wall when I post to you, although to a lesser degree because I am far from being a vet/expert, still being in the middle of the sitch myself, confused and backlsiding every now and then....but somehow, I come back....because

I think that I did get morbidly fascinated.... and I do learn from you and from what people post to you on what not to do, or avoid ( like I witnessed how pursuing and being to persistent can make the MLC'er ran so fast and so hard hat they virtually trip on their own feet and words).

I do pray though that you can turn this around.... that you will SEE what you have done wrong, and that you will use this knowledge to become a BETTER TAD FIRST OF ALL, NOT MAKE YOUR W A BETTER WOMAN OR MAKE YOUR SITUATION A BETTER ONE OR FIND A BETTER GF!

Tad, go back and read your thread from beginning to end..... detach from it, pretend you are reading someone else's story, and see if you can identify the areas you have to work on.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you for the responses.

I appreciate the 2x4s. Especially yours 25.

I'm a little confused though...

I NEVER said my marriage was perfect. I said that I THOUGHT it was good and I THOUGHT she was happy.

Ive dated a few women and when I said they don't compare, I meant that they don't compare to the wife I used to know.

I also never said that I didn't do anything wrong. I know the mistakes I made. I just wish I had a chance to do if over again.

I am also still working on detachment. That is why I remain dark.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Tad I get totally that the women you are dating are not comparing to the woman you used to know.

What I think I'm trying to get you to ask yourself is, why are you trying to find a replacement for her? This has got to be on your mind if you are actively comparing the women you are dating to the woman your XW used to be.

Why are you trying to replace her when your divorce only just happened?

Maybe you are being approached and you are not doing the asking. If you're doing the asking, why are you doing so when you are "still working on detachment?" And if you're not doing the asking, then why are you agreeing to date and not saying you're just not ready at this point?

These answers aren't really for ME. They're for YOU.

I have to be honest. I've talked to a ton of people on this board, and I've never seen someone get into dating in such record speed. It makes me skeptical :-)

Again. Not attacking you at all...just asking YOU to ask yourself, what are you gaining from this right now? If the alternative to dating is "being without a woman in your life in any way", does that scare you/bother you? Why?

These questions are important in terms of you learning to detach, not just from HER, but from the idea of being codependent.

[tadpole1025]

I know what you are saying Antonia. I've have been the one that has been approached and I say yes just to have a little fun I guess. There is nothing "romantic" about it at all. I guess if I was honest, I just miss having a female in my life. As for comparing them, it is not like I really was it was just I noticed that there is just nothing "there." That is the best I can explain it and I know I'm not doing a very good job at it. It doesn't feel "right", but it doesn't feel wrong either. I'm not seeing these women to "replace" her at all. Hell, I still want my W back very much.

It is almost 1AM here and I should be in bed but.....

UPDATE

As I was dozing off earlier, my phone rang. It was XW. I wasn't going to answer it, but I did because it was late and S17 is with her for the weekend. I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong.

She said she called "just to see how I was doing."

Ug.

We had a very good conversation for about 30-45 minutes or so. There was no ranting like usual. I did not hear what a terrible person I was or all of the things I've done wrong for the past 26 years.

She asked about my job....

my medication....

my plans....

my blood pressure....

my mom....

Then she told me about her life and her plans for S17 this weekend.

Weird.

Why does she do this to me?

Why?

I have so many more questions that I know I shouldn't ask.

...and yes, I am doing a little better, but damn it, I still love her (or the woman she was tonight.)

Tad

[beatrice]

Tad, I don't having a problem with women asking men out. I do however have an issue with women who hit on a recently divorced man. This isn't very smart or emotionally mature. So it is hardly surprising that they aren't soul mates. You are clearly not stupid, but sometimes you aren't very bright.

And as for trying to understand why your xw calls, DON'T it is pointless.

[job]

Tad,
I have to agree w/Bea...I don't like to see recently divorced people hit on when the ink isn't dry, much less the document filed away in the court house. I know that you want to move forward and have fun, but you need to take some time to really get to know yourself and get your feet back on solid ground. You are still dealing with the divorce outcome, a mad hatter and your children, plus the holidays. I would back off a bit on the dating and get your life shored up first. Dating can come along later. There will be plenty of wonderful women out there that would feel priviledged/honored to date you when your are emotionally ready.

Your xw is pulling your coat tail once again. Why would she be calling you at that hour unless she can't sleep? Guilt is eating away at her and she wants to make sure you are at home and not out dating. She wants to make sure that you are right where she left you and that you will always be there when she has the need to talk. She got her fix. Next, time, allow the call to go to voice mail. She's an adult and even though she's the mad hatter right now, she can still take care of your son when he's visting with her.

Also, they do have moments of clarity and that could be why she called, but you will never understand the workings of her mind while she is so messed up...it's just not worth trying to figure it out.

Tad, it's time to stop being so readily available to her. She needs to learn that divorce means a split legally. It's time to focus on you and your family. The holidays are upon us...what are you planning to do for the holidays?

Please try not to over analyze anything she says or does...it will drive you insane. They are drive by emotions and everyone knows that emotions can create all kinds of crazy making. It's time to take care of YOU!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you.

Beatrice, yeah I know I'm not very bright sometimes.

Honestly Snodderly, I have no plans for Christmas. I may visit my mom and that is about it.

I am going to cool it a bit on the dating.

You said:

She wants to make sure that you are right where she left you and that you will always be there when she has the need to talk.

Maybe but...she told our sons the other day that she doesn't care if I get married.....

The last few days have been okay, but today is a downer. It's the first one I've had in a while. Maybe because it is cold and raining outside.

Her call the other night still confuses the hell out of me. I don't even know why she would care especially if I was so terrible.

I'm leaving to pick up S17 from her house in a few minutes. I have to pick him up a little early because XW is going to a Christmas party....probably with the douchebag.

I'm pretty anxious for January 15th to get here. That is the day that I get the keys to my new place.

Tad