Wife left

[2thepoint]

How about being honest and say that you had been thinking about your situation and that it may be best for all concerned that we start to work within our individual means and could you please have the cards back. It would certainly send a signal that you are detaching. And your W may actually appreciate the candor. Just be careful how you make the point. You don't want to come across as petty or vindictive.

[CO1978]

Today took S to Nativity scene at church, was pretty cool, he loved the camel, donkey and sheep there. W called twice while we were out, felt kind of nice not to answer. W and I finally did talk over phone, I "bragged" about our good time, and how much fun we had. She was calling because she hadn't seen him since Thursday morning. She vented about how hard she has been working and brought up she is going to car dealership down by Philly tomorrow (2 1/2 hour drive) and I asked if I had to be there, since car loan is in my name. She said she would work something out. Then she said about having to get car inspected (was up at end of October) and might be needing brakes to pass inspection. She said about coming over before I go to work on Tuesday to watch S, I asked her (had to convince her) if she wanted to see him Monday, take him out for and hour or so, she could do it while car was being inspected. S is always asking for her, its not fair to him this is happening. She also brought up seeing FB picture I posted of S with my mom making Christmas cookies. She asked if he had fun, and what my mom was doing over at house. I told her just making cookies with S. Told her how much fun he had doing that, and the big mess he made. Told her have a nice night, she said you too. I thought conversation went well. It seems she has a timer, as we only talk for 10-15 minutes and the buzzer goes off and she has to go. Really doing best not to offer her help. She's "only" been gone just over a month, but it feels like 6 months. Really don't know how all of you have gone so long and stayed so strong. Still got to think of right words to say to her to get my bank cards back.

[edgarb]

I like the idea about just telling her straight up about the bank card. I don't think now is the time to say anything that isn't true. Plus, you don't want her to go and use the card before you get a chance to tell her it's cancelled and her find out when it's denied. That would be embarrassing to her and could make her very angry at you. I'd just tell her that you guys need to use your own accounts from now on. It sounds like with the brakes that she is about to hit you up for that money. I don't know whether i'd give it to her or not. I can see her getting angry about how could you let her have a car with bad brakes when she's driving your son around, etc. That's a low blow on her part if she uses that, but I'd prepare for it. Keep up the good work and keep having fun. Is there anything you've always wanted to do but have never taken the time for? If so, sign up for a class or something. I don't know that it helped me with my wife at all, but I took a SCUBA certification class and also a hunter education course and it was just something that I'd wanted to do for a while. I've also been reading the newspaper more closely for things to do. I've been able to go out a few times to things that were free or nearly free and it was great fun. Another thing you may want to consider...volunteer somewhere during the holidays. I'm set up to do some volunteering on Wednesday of this week and I'm really looking forward to it. Not only will it help needy families, but hopefully it will give me something to do to take my mind off things and also will give me a feeling I've accomplished something. Another thing i've done is become more handy around the house. I was always the guy who called the repairman, but I started doing a lot of that myself. It's just something I've been doing for me, and hopefully my wife notices. Anyway, those are just ideas, and it sounds like you're out doing a good bit of stuff anyway, but for me, it helps me not to drink and also is a good time! Great job on not drinking this weekend! You should be very proud of yourself!

[CO1978]

Thanks again Edgar. Trying to find things that keep us away from drinking or associates to drinking is difficult, especially in the winter time. But hey we are still going so congrats on another week! I am having a hard time finding stuff to do because I usually have S when I am not at work. I will defiantly look for stuff we can do together, but a 4 year old can only do so much. I really do like the time he and I are spending together. I am still searching for a church, the one I was looking at and went to this past weekend is a 30 minute drive, and would like to find one in town. I'm in a county where there is a church and bar on almost every block, so to find one in town shouldn't be too hard.

[CO1978]

So W stopped by to see S today. Was a disappointment. She only stopped in for like 10 minutes (alarm must have buzzed). I felt bad because I told S that W was going to spend time with him and take him out. She said she felt tired. She really really looked good, but my opinion may be impartial. I got caught checking her out (is that wrong?) We talked about Christmas gifts for S. S told her he drew her a picture (Christmas surprise, I helped him draw a nice charismas picture for W). She said she got car inspected and it cost her $270 for 2 new tires, she said brakes and rotors just passed. She said she didn't go to car dealership because the car she wanted wasn't there anymore, so she will keep looking. She left saying she would be by in the morning. About 5 minutes later she called to ask if I could call her when her bank card comes in the mail. She asked if S was upset when she left, I told her "No, he is taking bath right now. I didn't want to give him a bath earlier because I thought you were going to take him to play land." She said she felt bad, but was feeling sick. Then she said how she is going to keep S over night tomorrow since she doesn't get much time with him. I was a bit upset, and she could tell, and she reiterated she feels like she doesn't get anytime with him. I didn't say anything, I told her I'd call her when bank card comes in and told her to get some rest and I hope she is feeling better. She said thank you and good bye. I think I'm more upset then S is, because S doesn't realize what is going on. I really hate all this, I wish there was a simple fix. She seems to be friendly towards me, but I think that hurts more than when she is cold, because it gives false hope. How much time and space does someone need? I really hate this "tug of war" with our S. I hate not having him here, but I know she must feel the same. I know she loves him, but isn't that more the reason to try and make this M work?

[edgarb]

I don't have any children, so I can't imagine how tough it must be for all three of you to have your S in the middle of all this. I also know how much it hurts to get the false hope and then have it dashed. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I too wish there was a simple solution, but there is not. It takes time and it takes you saying that you will not give up on your marriage, no matter what your spouse says. The relationship is not truly over until you say it is. You have the power to determine that. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you do. I get discouraged all the time, and I know that you do to, but stay in the battle and don't give up. At least until you are ready. The first time my wife left I had started to even date agvain and she came back. Sometimes I think that might have been the problem. I started to move on and was drawn back in. Now, i'd give anything to have another chance, and I'm not ready to give up. have a great day and keep up the good work CO1978!

[labug]

Go bowling! They have those bumper lanes and light balls. It's a lot of fun!

[edgarb]

Go bowling! They have those bumper lanes and light balls. It's a lot of fun!

That's an excellent idea!

[CO1978]

that is a great idea, maybe i can find a few friends with little ones who would like to go too. Thanks for all the support, don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't found this board. Times are tuff, but I am not giving up anytime soon.

[workinghardguy]

So W stopped by to see S today. Was a disappointment. She only stopped in for like 10 minutes (alarm must have buzzed). I felt bad because I told S that W was going to spend time with him and take him out. She said she felt tired.

Something I've learned 1978 is to no longer make commitments or promises about what my W may or may not do; even if it's something simple or easy. Our S's are about the same age... my S will ask if mommy is going to be home when we get home or if mommy is going to play the Wii with him tonight. I used to try and guess or would text my W and ask. Now... I'm just honest. I tell him I don't know. And if he's not asking I don't make a commitment since I can't control the outcome.

What's hardest is when W does make a commitment and then bails on it because she's tired, wants to go out with her friends, or doesn't come home. In those cases I just make a point of being there and finding an alternative activity for us to do. I can tell you this... my S definitely notices.