Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Abbey]

Fabulous site. Will read more when I have some time. Thanks for sharing that.

Interesting what she said about the "OW" and how they appear on way at first, then another when the fog lifts.

See that's the prob I have,... mine is showing signs of it again. Signs like: Sigh- I know I'm going to have to take her to court in January. Now while it's all with a grain of salt (as we all know here). He would have never said that a month ago. He insisted he was head over heels in love, blah blah.

Our sitchs ... esp in this section are so unique, but many of them follow the same path. Thus why you and I haven't closed the door completely.

That "one inch" is where I think it sits best... they want it opened again, they're going to have to work for it. (Like the guy in the newsflash. :))

Abbey

[MynameisMZ]

NB, that was a really good link. Puts it right there! And if you can hang in there long enough for the A to run its course, then you are all that much better off.

Years ago I read an article by Dr. Joyce Brothers (before I was married) and she was writing about A s. She advised that if at all possible, do not let your H know you know and let it run its course. She stated that most end in 9 weeks.

So in Dec of 2009 when I had suspicions and told myself I was being paranoid, I remembered the article. I was not happy myself with H and how he was behaving towards me and the family. I actually wanted out and so I was not invested. I actually remember thinking, "If he is having an A, I don't want to know about it and I'll let it run its course." SO I did until end of May when I got it that I had to take some action.

Of course, really waking up and realizing it was really happening was a different story. The pain from the lies, deceit and betrayal are tough to bear. It's not so much about sex as it is consciously harming the ones you love. That has been hard for me to understand.

You and Abbey are where I was 18 months ago. I applaud and support how you are both handling this.

Hopefully in time your sitchs will resolve and either you will choose to move on or choose to piece. Just MHO and FWIW- It's harder in the piecing phase I think because you have to do the really hard work of heavy lifting and making the behavioral changes in yourself and hope to God that you H does the work in himself.

As you may know, I had a bit of a back slide this past week, but I'm back to my DB plan and brushing up again. I'm posting in Staying Solution Focused now. C'mon over if you want.

[MynameisMZ]

Oh, I wanted to add (IMHO) that I really do believe that any woman who would knowingly and willingly be with a married man is missing a few marbles. I think it is even worse when they've been married and have children. GOOD women do not do that! She's breaking the sisterhood code.

[Abbey]

I have to agree with you MZ. What is WRONG with people who have affairs with married spouses? Are they so devoid of any ... morality, ethics, principles??? It's sickening to know just how many ... women in particular, would be so willing to engage in such douchebaggery.

Abbey

[Abbey]

and hope to God that you H does the work in himself.

That's where we faulted the first time. A dear friend of mine, and one of the in the know family members, have both said the same thing. He would have NEVER done this now, or be doing this now, if he had any concept of what harm and damage he did the first time.

I'm really beginning to wonder if one of the necessary things to BREAK the fog or mLC alien brain is for them to have to do that work. It too is part of the process, if you see what I'm thinking.

Something I need to ponder more on.
Abbey

[Nblost]

Abbey, a really good book on affair recovery is Torn Asunder. The author would say that having the cheating spouse fully feel the pain they caused is key. I think that's true and I can imagine it will be really hard.

This is the weekend H is away with OW. I was on a work trip last night and had the chance to go bar hopping with several guys from my company. A couple are good friends, others I had just met. We ended up at a very fun bar with dancing and I had had many (too many) drinks by this point. I had a great time dancing and flirting. Pretty soon, I had 3 of the guys competing for my attention. You can imagine how great this felt for me. They had all been drinking too, so everyone was much looser than they normally would be with coworkers.

Well, here's the bad part...I don't even remember getting back to the hotel, but one of the guys (married) came back to my room with me. I told him I didn't want to get involved with him because he was married, but he told me how beautiful I was, how I deserved to be happy, etc. We ended up fooling around but not fully. He slept the night and then we both woke up with hangovers this morning and had to get to our respective work meetings. He asked me if I was okay this morning and he was wondering why I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't tell him this, but it's because of his wife. I feel terrible and I know I would never continue this because of her.

I don't plan to tell H about this now (while he is still hiding the details of his A), but I would probably tell him if we go to counseling and are working through things and needing to be honest with each other.

The interesting dynamic that I am still thinking about is...I have a better understanding of how H got into his A. I could argue the guy last night made me feel better than H has made me feel in a very long time. I can see where if he was available, I would be tempted.

I also now have a huge distraction in my head while H is on my trip. I told one of my friends about this and she was not surprised I "lost it". I have been under so much stress and she's been surprised I haven't exploded and done something worse.

I screwed up though and I shouldn't have done what I did. :-(

[MynameisMZ]

NB,

A similar thing happened to me recently too. Can't remember where I posted it. I am on a board and there are new and old friends on this board. One man, very handsome and successful was always hanging around after board meetings with my friend from HS and her H. I began to feel really strong pulls towards this man in a very sexual way. I mean I felt SEXY and WANTED.....I ended up leaving these little gatheringS early because I really couldn't handle it. It was so visceral! When I called my friend a few weeks into this I heard her H say in the background, "______ wants to f*&k MZ." They were taunting me, but I knew they had picked up on it. I said. "OMG!" Later his W attended a function and I felt so sorry for her. They had a strained interaction I keenly observed and I just wanted to pull them both aside and "counsel" them on getting re-connected.

I would never hurt another woman the way I've been hurt. You can see how easily it can happen.

Also, this same HS friend cheated on her H years ago, so her H has actually been a good friend/confidant to me. My neighbor is their plumber. My neighbor is CUTE and I always thought, "If something happens to my H, I could marry the neighbor and we could become land barons!" So My friend's H told my neighbor that my H cheated on me. After a church supper he (cute plumber guy)came up to me and said, "MZ I heard what happened and you are a beautiful woman and if I had you, I would cherish you." Well, you can imagine what THAT felt like!

I know, I know sweetheart. Take what you need from that experience to give you what you need, but do not go there....(censored)

[MynameisMZ]

It will be VERY interesting to see if this has any intuitive hit upon your H and what he does with it. Stay tuned, huh?

[Nblost]

Well, H doesn't get home until Wednesday or Thursday (yes, just great that I have no idea)...so maybe the impact will have worn off a bit. I agree though, H texted me this morning and my reaction was basically "why are you texting me? get on your trip with OW already..." I felt much more disconnected (which made me realize how my H who is very good at compartmentalizing could likely have handled the A and not really thought about me or the kids)

Although, if we are both in affair fogs...do they cancel each other out? Would we magically start seeing eye to eye on everything? Would H's thought processes all make perfect sense to me? :-)

I am really not going to go there...luckily, without drinks, I've never been attracted to this guy, he works at the same company, and I just don't have the capacity to have an A right now.

[Nblost]

Just to clarify, I didn't actually text my thoughts to H this morning, just told him I was having fun on my trip when he asked about it.