It would fit into a very normal pattern if after a good exchange you receive some backlash or pullback. Sometimes it is just self-convincing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So I take it after a good conversation, instead of the normal thinking of trying to build on it, go back to LRT and pretend good conversation didn't happen unless she brings it up?
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Were you talking about a book concerning YOUR bipolar disorder? If so, why do you keep bringing stuff like that up? That has to stop.
In your case you can't go "dark" because you share a young child. You go dim and be sure that every interaction with your W is positive. Take each positive interaction and make mental notes about what made it a nice one. Increase those instances.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It was a book concerning bipolar disorder (the therapist isn't sure if that is what I have quite yet), and she looked it over and doesn't think it completly fits me. Like a said before, I needed someone close enough to me that could see if I was experiencing the symptoms (bipolars can't always see the symptoms themselves) so I could get properly diagnosed when I go into my next session. If that is what I have, I need to get treated for it, not to save my marriage but to save myself. I will take your advice and not bring up anymore negatives about me to my wife, so she can see only my good side. And thanks Mr. Bond for being a hard @$$, we need more people like you on this message board to keep us DBing straight! Your advice is always appreciated, thank you.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
So tonight w and I had to take s to ER because of asthma. Doctors admitted him, may be combo of asthma and chest cold, doctors want to observe him for24 hours. I took off from work and volunteered to spend night since w usually does it and she herself was feeling a bit sick. S seems to be doing ok now, and is asleep. W and I had some good conversations, I tried to do "butterfly" touches rubbing her arms, shoulders or back here and there, saying comforting things. She pretty much moved away from touches but did not make any comments. I avoided R talk, although some stuff came up, about her taking stuff from house, I made a comment of I was hoping we could still work it out, her reply was "I'm just taking them to my place not selling them". I know I got to pull back, but damn it is hard. Anyway seems medication and breathing treatments are working so far on S, really don't need anymore stress, and it's heartbreaking seeing him like this.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
S is doing much better today, and will. E allowed to go home later this afternoon. Steroids worked their magic, will have to keep him on them for next 5 days. W slept at home last night (she says it's my house not hers) and when we talked this morning she still sounded sick so I told her to sleep in. She showed up at hospital we had some more decent talk. The nurse was talking with us (not knowing we are separated) and we talked about some stuff as if we were together. I hope it was a reconnecting but I won't read too much into it. I did give her money for gas and she left for work. She said she may stop by the house to check up on him when she gets off tonight at 10. So during last couple conversations I made sure she knew I support/respect her decision to move out and still showed without persuing that I still care for her. Also by staying with son instead of her it's a big 180.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
I'm glad to hear your son is doing much better. I know that's a relief and was unneeded stress during what is a difficult time for you.
One thing I would say is this, be very careful about reading anything your wife says or does. I, too, have a tendency to think of every positive interaction with my EW as meaning that we are on the road to getting back together. That, in and of itself can bee seen as pressure or pursuing. Really, she needs to think that you are in the process of moving on without her and that your life is one big happy day after another. WASs are in a very confused state of mind and that's why you can't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. It's almost like they have to feel that you have moved on (or are starting to) before they can realize they miss you. When you talk about the relationship and you ask too many questions, or express your true feelings, they have no reason to miss you. They need to miss you before they can come back. So, no matter how hard it is, and it will be VERY hard, you MUST not talk to her about the relationship unless she initiates it. Even if she initiates it, you have to read her body language and what she's saying and don't seem too excited about it. Stop admitting and apologizing for yoru faults. Be very very careful about getting back together too fast. That's what me and my EW did the first time she left and there were too many unresolved issues for us to make it more than about 6 months. Ease back into it with counseling and just spending quality time together.
Thanks Edgar, great advice. I am trying to control myself around her, and defiantly will stop apologizing for my faults, no more negatives about me. It is very hard to not look for deeper meaning, but you are right I have to let her do her thing, and stay back (put on the poker face). I am hoping her counseling tomorrow night helps her and in turn hopefully helps us. It is her first one on her own. I will defiantly not push for us to move in together if things start turning for the better, (I pray to god every day to help us to become a family again). It is true "Time makes the heart grow fonder" I just hope "Too much time makes the hear wonder" isn't true. I haven't felt this much in love with W in so long. Even with the hurt I am in, when I look at her I can only see the woman I fell in love with 7 years ago. I think that is the hardest part of detaching. Really wish I had read DB and DR 2 years ago.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
One other thing CO1978....this is from a post that sandi2 posted in my thread a while back. Considering your situation and what your wife said about knowing where to go if she needed sex, i thought it might be relevant...
"There is coming a time (and may be very soon) that she's going to show up at your door and she's going to give you the sex test. She'll manage to fall into your arms, probably crying, and then one thing leads to another. I want you to remember what I'm going to tell you. She's going to lead you into having sex with her, and then she'll be gone. Do not fall for it! This happens all the time, and it's nothing more than her seeing if she can still make you crumble by having sex. Then, the challenge will be over and she's lost interest once again."
