I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[Cadet]

She also told me that I was so controlling. I think I read somewhere once that MLC is a lot about control.

Depressed people are normally controlling.

So a CONTROLLING person does not want anyone to control them.
SO she is either projecting on you or just not wanting to admit that she is controlling by blaming YOU for anything that you might have done.
Like you smiled or trying to breathe.
So you were controlling because you used up the oxygen that was surrounding her space.

Let it go and you are on the right track that someday she might wake up and realize that she lost you along the way.

[job]

Tad,
I'm sorry that Thanksgiving wasn't all it was cracked up to be this year, but next year it will be better. The first year of holidays, anniversaries, etc., after a divorce are uncomfortable milestones that we each have to go through to get to the other side. You will get to the other side...I have no doubts of that.

I'm glad to see that you are taking charge of your life and changing your alt and also wanting to move...good first steps to your new life.

As for your xw's texting...she's still trying to needle you and wants to see if she can still push your buttons. I'm glad you didnt' react. She needs to come to the realization that you are divorced and that she no longer has any say in your life or what you do. Projection? You betcha. Her life isn't a happy one and it's going to be a long time before she realizes that she lost the best man that she will ever find.

Keep moving forward...it's a slow process. Take every experience and allow it to wash over you and take what you can apply to your situation and toss the rest away. You are doing just fine as you move along the path of life.

[seeking answers]

Tad,

Good job in not responding to the X's spew.

Snodderly is so right. At some point you will become the WAxS and your XW the LBxS. The positions will be reversed. Her loss.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Snodderly, I really do believe this that you said:

she lost the best man that she will ever find.

Why? Not because I am so amazing, but because there just isn't a whole lot out there to choose from. She will find this out eventually I suppose.

Today was a little downer. I think it is because today is the one-year mark since she moved out.

S16 will turn 17 tomorrow. I'm going to take him and my other sons out to dinner on Friday.

Interesting:

I picked up S16 from XW's house tonight. She came out to the car and peeked her head into the passenger side and just kept looking at me. I didn't make eye contact. (It hurts to.) Finally, she said "Hey." I looked at her and she said "I guess I'll see you later." I said "Yeah."

S16 told me that over the weekend, she admitted to being "depressed" because she is divorced, "depressed" because she is broke and "depressed" because she will not be spending Christmas with our sons.

She did this.

Not me.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

I know what you mean about it hurting to make eye contact. Avoiding it is a form of self-protection.

As much as it seems to hurt them, yes, this was their choice.

I've seen my XH appear to be "hurt" by his choices...and yet, earlier tonight, my XH changed his profile pic on FB to a pic of him and his GF. A pic where even though the lady doesn't really "need" a bra, she kind of is showing FAR too much of that area for a classy woman...

It stung like a SOFB to see that pic. He had had a pic of our cat who died as his profile pic for a month. So did I. I decided to change my pic to a pic of me alone in the last few days. XH chose to change it to a pic of him and OW.

Yeah it hurts...bad. I know I'm better looking by far. That makes me think geez, how can she be NICER than me??? But it's not that. It's that she represents a life I do not. A drastically different life.

These MLCers want a new life. They want to go version 2.0. They find a way to get version 2.0 fast. Then they get there and it's not all it's cracked up to be.

What we have to do is to really work hard at separating ourselves from what they have done/do. Honestly I think the best hope we have is to process what has happened as them dying.

Yes, it's THAT severe.

They died, and as a result, we have to move on with our lives as if we are widowed.

[job]

Tad,
Your xw is going to discover very quickly, as it appears already, that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence. Well, she's the one that destroyed all that she had. You and your xw shared many years together and created beautiful children and memories together. That will eventually sink in in the months ahead. Please do not feel sorry for her, as she is just now getting a taste of what you have been going through for months.

Enjoy the time you spend w/your children. They grow up fast and she's missing out on the milestones. Take plenty of photos and know that your children feel safe w/you at this time.

Live your life to the fullest. Always try to find at least one good/happy thing each day to smile about. It will make the rest of your journey easier for you.

[AJM]

Something else that stands out, Tad. Your wife really does want to control you. To push your buttons. To know that you might be her plan-b.

She's wrong about that. I can see that now in your posts. You have been moving closer and closer to completely gone. My guess is you really are already or very quickly approaching that point of caring and wanting but being past the point of no return. Too much damage.

She is trying to control and to feed off your pain and responses. Allowing that would delay your healing.

Are you tired of being in pain yet Tad? If so, hang on. She'll try really hard for a while. Slowly and methodically you need to shut down those avenues she uses to "attack" and to get to you. As Jack once put it, you need to rip out the connections so there can be no path to you. Only then will the LOS be complete. She needs to feel the loss of signal so she can hear the voices in her own head.

It really is the only way....


Cheers,

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. It has been awhile since I have posted. Not much new in sitch with XW. We don't talk. She sent a text the other day and I did not respond. I don't respond much at all anymore unless absolutely necessary.

I do have a question though:

If "going dark" is for me to be able to handle this better, isn't it also going to make it easier on her?

I've dated a few women, but none of them compare to my X.

All I've thought about for some reason the last few days is how things were when we were so much younger. Not sure why...

I also think it is sad how much she is missing out on. She has no idea that S17 wants to go to the police academy when he is done with high school and has no idea that S19 proposed to his girlfriend last February. It really makes me feel bad for her.

As for me, I've been working a lot of hours, I've deleted my "radio" FB page and found out today that I got the townhouse that I wanted. I will move in the middle of January.

I'm doing much better "most" days, but man do I miss her.

Thanks for all you do.....

Tad

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone. It has been awhile since I have posted. Not much new in sitch with XW. We don't talk. She sent a text the other day and I did not respond. I don't respond much at all anymore unless absolutely necessary.

I do have a question though:

If "going dark" is for me to be able to handle this better, isn't it also going to make it easier on her?


1) So what if it does? You think that what you've done so far is working to get her back? Last I checked, you were divorced AND she still infuriates you.

The only thing I'm sure you never did for any amount of time is DETACH and go dark, So how can you even ask this?

2) and NO, I don't think it would make it easier for her. The "easiest" thing for HER is what she has now and has had for a year now, which is the constant ability to yank your chain. LEARN FROM THIS...

I've dated a few women, but none of them compare to my X.



WTH??
b/c they are not crazy? Are these other woman acting normal or kind to you? Do they interrupt and project their anger and inner turmoil onto you?

OR do you mean the woman don't compare to who your w once was? (or who you have morphed her into being in your memory???)

B/c that normal loving perfect woman you say you miss terribly, even after batchit crazy meanness from her, HAS BEEN MISSING for a solid year now...

so exactly who are you comparing these OW to?

If it's your present day wife, I would think any woman not in a psych hospital- would far exceed your w's behavior. You are not in touch with reality, Tad... and you are overlooking a whole ton of crap from her. Why? How does that help you at all?

All I've thought about for some reason the last few days is how things were when we were so much younger. Not sure why...


b/c you are in Stuckville; population YOU....there is a part of you that is so used to wallowing in your pain and despair, you make it worse than it needs to be so you can stay in the place you know; it's comfy.

Another part of you is sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - and that part of you is the part you need to heed.


I also think it is sad how much she is missing out on.

Not your problem...stop this train of thought. It's part of Stuckvile...


She has no idea that S17 wants to go to the police academy when he is done with high school and has no idea that S19 proposed to his girlfriend last February. It really makes me feel bad for her.


why focus on the ONE negative aspect of a positive thing in your life and your son's? Why not be happy for them and leave out the negative? Geez...

As for me, I've been working a lot of hours, I've deleted my "radio" FB page and found out today that I got the townhouse that I wanted. I will move in the middle of January.

^^^good

I'm doing much better "most" days, but man do I miss her.


sorry...but imo, you miss someone who has been gone for a very long time. That woman no longer exists.

Tad

nothing else for us to say Tad...good luck, make your Christmas a good one

and stop letting your pain seep into your son's lives, please...

you know, you really are in charge of your own life.

When you GET THAT, and own it, your life will vastly improve.

[angel61]

Sigh Tad, good thing 25 got to it before I did.... her 2x4's always sound so effective.

Granted, you have improved a lot, but not quite.

You are one of those people who just can't let go, that you have to hold on to even just the pain. No wonder your W has gone crazy trying to shake you off.... she has truned into a cactus, full of bristles everywhere, and you still persist in hurling yourself at her spines. Oh man.