Wife left

[CO1978]

Yes the woman you love is in need... but she's in need because she put herself there! You owe her nothing as far as making this easy on her. There is a solution she can find if this gets too hard.

Those are words I need to remember. As far as her sleeping a few hours here its so S can spend as much time home as possible. He is most comfortable here, and sleeps best in his own bed, she said she doesnt mind waking up at 5 am to drive here before I go to work. Right now they are sleeping on a fould out couch in the living room and that house is very hectic from 2 am thru 7 am. I am sure things may change once she gets her living arrangements squared away (she did mention getting him his own bed for there).

[CO1978]

Books came today, started with DB, any area of book (related to my sitch) I should pay super extra attention to?

[CO1978]

Well tonight W surprised me with a call as she got off work and asked if I wanted to have S tonight, I said of cores I would like to have him. She replied, "Good, {female friend} asked me to go out with her tonight to {Gay Bar}, so I will near by tomorrow morning to pick him up." I said that sounds fine. She came by to drop S off and pick up some clothes she could go out in. I did the usual of asking how her day was, gave her the news the house appraisal for our refinance didn't go well, so we couldn't consolidate/refinance our mortgage. She shared in my frustration. As she was gathering her things, I had asked her if the therapist (for PTSD) ever called her to make an appointment, she said no, but said she she wanted to call one but forgot the list and was going to call tomorrow since she was off. I asked if she would consider going to the marriage counselor again, since he is really good. She said, not just yet and she wanted to see a specialist first. Then I said I didn't mean to go together yet, maybe by yourself, since he had our homework and it helped me out a lot. She said again he is good, I'll think about it. A few minutes later, I couldn't resist commenting when she bent over in front of me (she was wearing a pair of jean that always made her look great), saying "those jeans still do you good!" she smiled and said, yeah but they keep falling off, and we began to discuss our weight loss. She dropped from 128 to 112, me from 215 to 194. She said she noticed I had been working out from Facebook. I told her she looked really great, and she smiled, showed me her belly and said "I lost my love handles see, but I still have a gut. I defended her by saying its just loose skin from your pregnancy you don't have a gut, you really look great. She thanked me and smiled some more. I told her to have fun tonight and see you in the morning. The best part was when our S came over and said "Mommy you make daddy so happy! Daddy, you make mommy so happy!" (I wish I had a video of that to keep replaying for her). I know I kind of broke some rules, but tonight she didn't seem "cold" like she had previously. I am hoping she is starting to get some kinks in her armor. Its been just over 3 weeks now. I know its a long way to go, still really hoping the specialist help her out, and maybe we can start piecing. So should I'm guessing since I came off kind of strong tonight I should back off again, and just be my "new" friendly self?

[CO1978]

So I came home today, she spent the morning here, and noticed she packed up more of her stuff (Ouch). Her response was "Yeah a few things not everything." Good news is she said she was going to go see marriage counselor instead of specialist therapist. She said it was too difficult to find one in our insurance network. I hope by seeing same counselor it may help give us a little more of a chance. She must have been snooping on computer though, the history had been deleted. Not sure what to think of that. Trying to keep 180 going and 0 pursuit, very tuff.

[CO1978]

I just hit rock bottom again. Besides yesterday her moving pretty much everything of hers out (the rest must be on the next trip) today W came over to drop S off before she went to work. I discussed with her what the IC and I discussed with me possibly having "Soft Bipolar" Disorder. We went over the symptoms and she agreed with them. I asked her if she could look over the book he gave me to see if she could see more, since she knows me better than anyone, she was slow to, but agreed. I then told her about the another thing the IC and I discussed, and I told her I was an alcoholic. I apologized for the damage it caused us. She began crying, and that led to her saying its too late. She said its over, she wasn't coming back, she didn't love me anymore. She had plenty of time to think, she lost so much weight and has been stressed over it. I of coarse broke down, pleaded that we could be a family again, and that I loved her. She said she knew I was changing, but its too late. She said she wanted to go to counseling a long time ago, and threatened divorce, but I never listened. The only reason she went on vacation was because she didn't want to waste the money. I hugged her and kissed her on the neck and kept pleading, she walked out. After she left, I have to admit I cried like never before.

[adinva]

CO, CO, CO, here's your 2x4. No pleading, it makes you look pathetic and you are not, by any means!

You are doing an amazing thing, looking hard at yourself and making life-changing improvements.

What did you expect? You show her your potential diagnosis and she apologizes for everything, and everything's all better? There is no other way your story could have gone than the way it did. "Too little, too late" is straight from the script and you should have expected it. Brace yourself for it next time because you'll hear it some more. It is her convincing herself.

Have a response ready that is truthful. I can tell from what you've said in past posts that you have given up drinking not just for her but for your child. That won't change. If she acts nice or mean that will have zero effect on you drinking because you gave it up for a much bigger reason than her.

Getting treated for or at least understanding better your mental health is again, something you should do for your own future and all the people around you, whether she's there or not.

Keep making those necessary improvements. You know she sees them. It doesn't matter what she says about them.

This hurts and s*cks and you feel awful but keep your strength up. Get whatever support it takes to keep off drinking - that is SO great and you are to be admired. If you accomplish this and more, and become a better communicator, a better parent, well, if she doesn't come back she's a fool. But do it for you.

Cry when she's not looking and be your amazing strong improving self when she is. Take care,
Adinva

[MrBond]

Stop apologizing. You just gave her more justification of why leaving is a good thing. Why would she want to stay with someone with so many flaws after all?

Why don't you write down all the GOOD stuff about you and remind yourself of that each and every day. Have those be her focus.

[CO1978]

I know I shouldn't have pleaded or begged or even cried a little in front of her, but I couldn't help it. I made myself vulnerable to it when I admitted to her I was an alcoholic. It was the first time I said that out loud to anyone. She tried to defend me by saying I wasn't. I did tell her I am getting help and becoming better. I said I know it will take time and it was okay if it was time apart, it was just crushing when she said she wasn't coming back. Mr. Bond that is a good idea, my IC said the same thing and to stop taking all the burden of this. I want to stop, but my guilt is so heavy. My GAL plans ending up changing a bit, was supposed to take S out to see Christmas light show, but friends had to cancel, so a friend is coming over tonight to watch football. First time we'll be hanging out without beer. Hopefully tomorrow night we can see the Christmas lights. Maybe tonight I will put up tree, since that was something I never did, I would carry the decorations out of attic, she would decorate. I also shaved my goatee off last night, she was kind of shocked to see that (first time I saved it off in 7 years).

[MrBond]

"but I couldn't help it."

Yes you can.

"She tried to defend me by saying I wasn't."

If she tried to defend you about this, then she didn't consider you one. Now she does. Stop bringing things up. YOu're just justifying why you keep doing it.

[CO1978]

W called me couple hours ago from work, I didn't answer. She left a message saying to me that if I was going to Christmas lights with S to make sure I put hat and gloves on him and he was dressed warm enough. Are you serious?