Wife left

[sandi2]

I wouldn't mind at all, but I don't know that I can give what you're look for.

You're right, every stitch is a bit different b/c some couples are young and raising their family, while others have been M several years and their children are grown. The stage of life the couple is going through plays a very big part in how quickly the WAS is able (or willing) to try being a kinder, more respectful, and considerate partner to their S.

I believe it may come in stages. Like, the W can work at not being obviously rude. Selfishness will probably be harder to over-come. Her coldness may be the last part of the rugged trail for her. But that's just me. I think it took a couple of years (after I ended the EA).

So, it takes a lot of grit & grace for the LBS to hang in there!

[workinghardguy]

1978... You're not alone. I think I can count on one hand the number of times my W has shown any concern towards me. Though, as I thought about your post I realized they were almost all related to 180s. After my first out of town GAL trip she asked me how it was and if I had fun. On my birthday she showed a little interest in my feelings. During one R talk she told me that this is all very painful for her too and she apologized for causing me all this pain. And I think when I had the stomach flu she showed a little bit of care about my condition.

So that's it... in two months, eight times. My W's ability to care about others has always been something I admire in her. Heck, she's a nurse after all... but apparently we LBH fall into a special category that is not worthy of even basic human concern at times.

[CO1978]

This morning I think I let her coldness get the better of me. When she came to the house before I left for work I just didn't have it in me to talk. I said a few things, she vented a little, but seeing as I wasn't going to contribute in asking her for any more details, she got up and said she was going to get some sleep before S woke up. I didn't give her a "have a nice day" like I had been, and as usual, didn't get one from her. It is very heard to see her like this, because just as WHG said about his wife, her kindness is a big reason why I married her. I can't say she is being rude, but she is being selfish and cold. Another thing I noticed, when S makes a mess, she makes sure to leave it for me to clean when I get home, and she leaves the bed a mess for me (which I make sure is made everytime). I try and not let it show it bothers me, and definatly wont say a word about it to her. I guess its true "hell hath no furry like a woman scorned" She is off tomorrow, so that means I wont see our S again until tuesday, this is always a dificult time for me, not seeing him. If this goes on like a marathon as everyone says, I'm really not sure I can hang in there watching my S leave me like that. I really would wish she would think of whats best for our S during all this, I know it is very hard for him to bounce back and forth (and not to mention he rather sleep in his own bed). I don't even want to think of it going to when he starts school next year, since we are living in different school districts.

[workinghardguy]

I didn't give her a "have a nice day" like I had been, and as usual, didn't get one from her

No need to give her a have a nice day... I stopped doing that a while ago unless W gives me some type of salutation first. This morning she left for work and stopped to tell me that she was leaving and what time she thought she'd be home. I replied "ok, see you later". It's sort of pathetic really to offer something when you know she doesn't care, so stop doing it. It just makes you look weak and pleading. Don't plead. Save your energy for people who give a damn.

she makes sure to leave it for me to clean when I get home, and she leaves the bed a mess for me (which I make sure is made everytime)

A little tough love here... why the heck are you making her side of the bed? It's a bed. So it's a mess... the world is not going to end. Make your side, straighten up your side, but if she's going to leave her side a mess then it stays a mess. My W does this routinely and I just leave her side unmade - I'm not her manservant after all. Maybe it's just that our bed is really large (California King), but you couldn't pay me enough to make her bed right now.

As far as the messes. I would either leave them or engage your S to help pick them up. There is no reason you should be the housekeeper solo. Eventually she will pick up the mess, or she won't, but fight the need.

I've basically pulled back most domestic duties to only those things we agreed I would do or that I want to do. The only times I do stuff the W is supposed to be doing is when the lack of it getting done would have an adverse impact on the kids. For example, whomever picks the kids up from school is responsible for reviewing homework, signing notebooks, and checking S's backpack. Since my W only manages to do that 50% of the time, I always make sure to double-check her when I get home. My W is selfish and forgetful lately so it's easy for her to miss those things. While I would love for her to have to face the children after failing to do her duty, the reality is the only person this hurts is the kids and their grades so I just make sure it gets done.

Otherwise... it's up to her. There's four baskets of folded laundry sitting across the room right now. She took laundry over shortly after the bomb. Kids and I are pretty much out of clothes. But I'm not putting them away. She didn't ask me to and I already folded two of the baskets since she did ask me to. So in the morning we'll just dig through the baskets to pull out our clothes. She'll get them put away eventually... I just have to fight the urge and bite my tongue in the meantime.

[PERSEVERANCE]

1978, I know that you CAN do it.... Unfortunately, we are all in for a marathon, not a sprint. I understand, this is a soul-scorching, painful experience...but we will emerge from the flames like a phoenix, reborn into a better person & with God's help / a new & better relationship with our Ws. You've suffered deployments...This is a diiferent type of pain but I know that You can do this!

[Accuray]

1978,

My W and I have been piecing for a few months. In answer to your question, before the bomb my W was cold for about 10 weeks and wouldn't tell me what was going on (she was having an EA). After the bomb she was cold as ice for about 6 weeks, and I mean REALLY cold, it was brutal. The hardest part was that I felt I had my soul ripped out and torched and she would walk around smiling like nothing had happened. The bomb coincided with ending the EA, so I consider that 6 weeks to be the EA recovery and grieving period.

I believe 16 weeks is pretty short on the pain scale based on many stories on this board, but I wouldn't want to go through it again. I think the length of time of "coldness" is driven by many factors, including how bad things were before the bomb, if there is an affair, how long it goes on and what stage it is, how long it takes OM to go away, how long it takes her to grieve, and finally and perhaps most importantly how well you can DB without backsliding or pursuing.

Accuray

[CO1978]

The thing is about making the bed, she isn't living at home, she only sleeps here for a few hours until S wakes up. So its my side that is messed up. Same thing with the kids mess, if I leave it a mess I am the only one it hurts since she lives with her parents right now. I also don't want her to get that feeling like, "he can't even take care of himself and clean the house, how pathetic". I do get S to help pick up his toy. I feel cleaning is part of my 180, I mean I did plenty around the house, but because I never said "look what I did today" looking for approval, Not sure she ever really noticed.

[sandi2]

Ah, well then it makes sense to clean your own house!

[CO1978]

Well I backslid. I called W to make arraignments to see S tomorrow because I couldn't go 2 days without seeing him. She agreed to bring him up for a couple hours. Then we began to talk, mostly about S, then she said about cleaning the other half of her parents house so she could have a place to live. She complained there was so much junk of her sisters and mothers that had to be moved to 3rd floor and. Nobody helping. I suggested she should ask her sisters or if really needed I could help (so dumb of me) she was like no it's alright and I again said it wouldn't be a problem. She quickly said well got to go, bye. I hope this doesn't mess things up more, I knew better, but couldn't help it with the woman I love being in need.

[workinghardguy]

1978... why does she sleep at your house for a few hours before your S wakes up? I'm confused. Are you shielding your S from the news, or is this some type of arrangement? I don't fully get it.

As far as the convo... at least you recognized that you backslid. Knowing is the first step, right? You're right that you shouldn't have volunteered and when she said no the first time you didn't need to go their twice. Work on trying to see things through her eyes. Here's this guy that she's already told she doesn't want to be with and he's so puppy-dogish that he'll even come get my new place ready for me. Does that seem attractive? It's like your saying "ah heck, I'm already down but please kick me would you?"

When my W and I were discussing things the last time she brought up having to move things to a new house. She inferred that I could help. I specifically told her I would be gone that day and we would figure out the kids so they didn't have to go through the move process, and that I'm sure she has family or friends who could help her but that I would not.

Yes the woman you love is in need... but she's in need because she put herself there! You owe her nothing as far as making this easy on her. There is a solution she can find if this gets too hard.