separation agreement signed

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, AJM. I wish I thought this through or had this advice before drafting the separation agreement. All I can do now is not make the same mistake. He will have to do all the other things.

From what I understand, if he has an accident and my name is on the vehicle my insurance will go up. I am concerned about that.

He has also decided to bundle his new cell phone with the home phone/tv. Either I pay the whole bill or shut off the service and go without because it's a three year contract and where I live there are no other service providers, or contact him every month to tell him what he owes. Major pain in the butt.

I absolutely will not be filing for divorce at any time or participating in the process. It would be a desk divorce (I think that's what they're called, no hearing, just a judge signature) and a non-response from me has the same outcom at joint filing but will send H a message. Still nine months before that possibility at any rate.

He seems to be doing stupid things that keep (or try to) drawing me into the web. There's almost always some kind of impact on me, which makes it harder to just ignore it. I have told him before to knock it off but he persists.

Cadet mentioned that often MLCers can't complete tasks, and I'm sure that has something to do with it. And I took care of all the bills, etc, during our marriage so that probably also contributes. But he's managed to sort out a bunch of other stuff...why not the rest of it? JUST VENTING...I know there's no reason, my questions are more rhetorical. It doesn't matter why, just give it up for crying out loud.

Anyway, I really don't know how to do this. I have never in my life even known anybody who has been divorced. It's a foreign concept and a very long, dark road road.I'm reading lots of books and learning a lot but all these little annoyances trip me up.

Here's a thought I'd love feedback on. H and I don't have any kids so once all ties are cut there will be no need for contact. He abandoned all our friends (including his summer and winter fishing buddy) when he abandoned me, so there is no forseeable way that he would see any of the changes in me.

Is it possible to use communication about these annoyances as opportunities to DB. How would I do that?

[job]

GWN,
Have your name removed from the vehicle and off the insurance policy. Notify your insurance policy holder and advise them of your situation and have them set you up with your own policy.

Call your service provider and advise them that he is not living in the home and that you wish to set up your own account. You do not need to pay the whole bill or contact him. This is his way of controlling the situation and keeping you on a string. Cut the string. You are not his mother and are not responsible for contacting him about what he owes.

What about joint accounts and credit cards? Utilities?

Mlcers will take care of things that interest them at that moment. Separation/divorce papers will tend to take a lot of time because they drag their feet. Separating finances will be the same way. Why? Because they want us to do the work for them so that they can say we did it to them.

I don't have children either, but I can assure you that if you go w/no contact, you will be better off. I wouldn't contact him about anything unless you had an emergency. The less contact you have w/him, the better/stronger you will get. You need this time to focus on you, your health and your finances w/o any distractions that he will create.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, Snodderly. It's funny...the people around me have said the same as you. I guess I'm getting pretty sage advice, but from a different vantage point. They don't know I'm DBing because they are furious about this and would question my sanity.

I'm going to put all this insight together and take care of the house/financial issues in as positive a manner as possible. I'll call my insurance agent about my name being on his vehicle. It's really the most important piece. The house title transfer is done. I'm now just waiting on a letter from the bank underwriter and then I'll have a lawyer register the change. Good times.

I've decided that I'll only deal with him via email on Mondays, and only if absolutely necessary.

On a happy note, I had my first snow day last week and managed to use the snowblower without incident. Friends have come out to help me winterize the ride on mower, pitch in on the basement framing and insulating, and do other little things. I'll get a bunch more done today with a little help from my friends, followed by a nice lunch I'll make using farm fresh eggs from the chickens I had to give to a neighbour down the road when H left.

The sun is shining through the cracks.

[Cadet]

The changes that you make are for YOU.
Not to win him back.

So don't worry about whether he SEE's them or not.
It is not important in the way this works.

Figuring out what to change is a life long event.
Take it slow and as time goes along you will figure out what you need to do.

You are not changing for anyone else but YOU.
SO be happy with your changes, live them and they will be real.

Read what Snodderly said above it is very wise.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks again, Snodderly.

Fortunately the only joint items were boat, house and one vehicle. There's one joint account to pay for these things. I'll move the house payment to my account this week. The boat and insurance will have to stay put until the vehicle is resolved and the boat sold. I just don't trust him to stay on top of it so I need to moniter. That being said, he's made all the payments up to now. No joint credit cards, thanks goodness. I'll call the service provider tomorrow, too, to see what my options are.

Thanks for chiming in.

[job]

GWN,
I traveled the road that you are on many years ago...

As Cadet has pointed out, any changes that you make are for YOU. The changes will need to be permanent and ones that you are happy with.

You will be amazed at the number of people who will be there to assist you as you walk this path of mlc. You are not alone and you do not need to justify your actions to anyone but yourself. Trying to explain the db techniques to others will just frustrate them as they have not walked in your shoes. Come here and we'll help you navigate the path and the potholes along the way.

I'm happy to see that you have some things planned for today. Now is the time to pull out that list of items that you've put on the back burner and see if there are any items that you can begin in the next few days.

You've got a good head start on your finances. Please listen to the advice that the posters have and will continue to provide to you. Take what advice you can use and chuck the rest for the time being. Each situation is a little bit different, based on the MLCer's personality and childhood. However, I can assure you that the Mother Ship provides each mlcer a copy of the Hndbook on MLC and they all follow the script that is written in that handbook.

GWN, please take care of yourself. The stress of the situation will take its toll on you. Get plenty of sleep, be sure to eat properly and most of all be kind to yourself.

[greatwhitenorth]

Had a great day yesterday. Friends helped me with some things, including moving my treadmill up from the construction site that is the basement. Now I'll be able to get back at regular exercise. It was actually a great weekend overall. Now if only the grief hangover that is exhaustion would resolve....

Sent the separation agreemtent to H in an email today...no friendly chit chat, just the attachment. He replied asking when he could come pick up his copy of the agreement, meaning the original I suppose. I personally don't think he needs it, since I was able to get the title on the house changed with an electronic copy.

So, my questions...

Do I ignore his email and let him figure it out?
Do I give him a time to come get his original?
Do I get into a email discussion with him about the electronic copy being good enough for now?

My impulse would be option three, but I really don't want to communicate with him right now. I already told him that when I see him all the pain comes back. It would be great if he respected that.

I don't want to be mean because it's not in my nature, but I'm getting tired of all the "white noise" sort of interaction. Maybe I need to just sit down with him for an hour and hash out the remaining annoyances, but I suspect that his pings will continue regardless.

A 180 for me would be to actually communicate about the way I'm feeling as it was not our strong point (part of the problem and my contribution to it). But my deep seated fear is that he will immediately reject anything I have to say and me in the process. That fear of rejection runs very deep in me and has helped me to go dark and not pursue.... relatively easily from what I've read from other people's stories. AND I wouldn't want to be construed as pushing/pursuing right now.


Advice?

[Cadet]

Don't pursue.

Communications = Pursuit.

No texting, talking or anything else.

Let you actions speak louder than your words.

Keep hand over mouth with eyes and ears open.

[greatwhitenorth]

Gotcha....ignore his request and let him figure it out himself.

I'll chime in again when he calls or emails in an agitated state, at the very least so that you good people can rein me in and tell me I have nothing to feel bad about.

Thanks again, Cadet. Hand is firmly over my mouth. Now where did I put that duck tape????

[BeingMe]

Just an aside ...

IMHO, once they leave, it's not the time for 180's. It's more LRT time (detach, go dark, GAL, don't always reply to emails, or answer his calls, etc). I cannot imagine that you were that bad a wife for this reaction of his, so the 180's will not be effective. He will, in fact, say it's too late, so why give him the chance. He has no justification, but he will give it a good shot.

Take care.