Her missing cat turned up in the early hours, with some injuries. I was phoned just after 2AM and she asked if she could come over straight away for the carry box as the cat had to go to the vet *in the afternoon*. She turned up and we sorted out some cat food etc, we had a hug through her tears. She was saying how she had sat and prayed earlier this evening and that someone must have been listening.
W was telling me how she had tried to imagine the cat had died and how incredible it was that the cat would be back, how much she missed the cat. I was thinking how much I understood the loss of someone so precious.
My only backslide was to say "Maybe one day it will be my turn". No response of course. She did tell me how difficult things are moneywise. I said nothing and didn't offer to help.
So... Now I have set myself up for a kicking once the car crests the top of the track. Wonder what it will be? D petition?
The issue I have created is feeling that my W is all I need. She has been the centre of my universe for the last 8 years
Welcome to the club... we should get T-shirts made up
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but gave it up because I had an expensive mortgage to support as well as a W who thought that money grew on trees
Wow... resentful much? If you're wondering part of how you got here read your sentence... And I get it, I did the same thing. My W liked to spend and it made her happy. I liked her happy so I let her spend. I sequestered my own goals and subordinated them so she could go to nursing school, spend, have a bigger house, have a nicer car. You know what that got me? Pissed off. And that anger and rage has to come out, so over the years it has come out at the kids, particularly the oldest SS since he's my W's baby. It also came out at my W through other avenues.
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I am wondering if I should me more communicative with her and tell her that she is still wanted and needed. It seems that she needs to see I am here for her if she is to believe she can come home.
Have you told her this already? Because if you have then she knows it. I told my W once that I don't want to be divorced, that I don't believe in it, and that if I had my choice we would work on this. One time I told her this.. one time and it was months ago. Guess what she said last week during an R talk, "I know you don't want this divorce and don't believe it's the right thing." She knows you're there, she knows she can come home, she knows all of it... she doesn't care and doesn't want it. Quit pushing it on her. Stop making yourself feel better by trying to make her feel better and fixing her.
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It seems that after the "you don't need me anymore so I will stay away" on Nov 1st, she has done exactly that. I thought it was just temper talk because she had seen some of my changes, going out, dressing well and having lunch with a female friend.
Yes... because it is what she WANTS to do. Your W got up all this gumption to leave your marriage. Do you honestly think one sentence from you could keep her away if she really, really wanted to come back? Right now wild horses can't keep her from running away... and if she really wanted to return the same would apply.
And if only having lunch with a female friend would make the WAW turnaround instantly! Way more patience is needed here... stopping touching the hot stove and let it be. You're killing yourself with kindness... and btw, it's kindness she doesn't want and doesn't appreciate. So stop wasting it on her.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
That's the craziest thing I ever heard! She gets you up at 2:00 a.m., goes to your house to get a pet carrier (why doesn't she buy one....and some food while she's at it?), and does all that boo-hooing over a cat???
Okay, so I may not be a cat lover, but isn't that a bit dramatic?
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tell her that she is still wanted and needed. It seems that she needs to see I am here for her if she is to believe she can come home.
Stop telling yourself this mess! She knows you're there for her. Don't you think you just proved it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's not dramatic as such. This cat in particular is her one true love and is a baby replacement. I think she was so excited that she needed to tell someone about it and couldn't contain herself. I do understand that in her and don't mind.
I can also understand that when I have 3 carriers here, it is more sense to use one rather than buy another. I was a bit surprised that it had to be done THEN rather than 1st thing, but whatever, at least I got to see her.
Baby step..
Got called on Skype this morning as soon as I got up to tell me about how the cat is doing. Friendly and nice. Tried to close it, but she beat me to it. Got wished a "good day, x"
Yes I think being here proved I would be. I am impatient as you know which I am trying to keep in check. I wrote lots of things this morning and then had second thoughts, so deleted before pressing send, so you see, I AM listening to you. I appreciate everything that I get from this forum very much. Thankyou to all who are supporting me. Hopefully, when my backbone is fully fitted, I can return the favour.
Just posting here to distract me. Missing her and trying not to let it get to me. Cold and dark nights are when it is worst. I wonder how she is feeling, if she is even thinking about me. Unlikely I suppose.
Ajay... I doubt she is heartless, I am sure she thinks of you. Maybe not in the way you wish she would, but I am sure she has thoughts of you. She is just too wrapped up in herself though.
I know you're in the UK so things are different than here in the States, but a couple suggestions.. first, what are some things you like to do? They don't even have to be "hobbies" just things you like to do. Identify those, write them down on a piece of paper or put them in a spreadsheet.
Next, use Google, friends, or whatever resource to find activities and groups that correspond to those things you like. Like mentoring youth? Find a local Boy Scout troop or youth group that needs volunteers. Like animals? Find an animal shelter. Like movies? Get a second job at a theater or maybe work with your local theater troupe or school to help them with their theater department.
A second option is to find enrichment activities that focus on things you like to do or things you want to do or learn.
These things will a) create interpersonal connections which will help fill these times with people and b) create stuff that needs to get done which also helps the time be occupied with worthwhile activity.
One of the reasons I am frequently on the computer? The volunteer work I do requires me to routinely update, check, and input data into our national database. Plus I have to write press releases, update our Facebook page, update our website, email my youth, and chat with the youth leadership. It certainly keeps me engaged and busy, and if I have downtime then there are usually 20 projects for that group that could be done at any given time.
When you get busy with this stuff you don't think of her as much. I know it's hard... nights like tonight, when she's at work and I'm home with my S I think of my W too. I know she takes the time to call and text friends but not me. I could lament it (which I do from time to time... it hurts and I'm human) or realize that she just doesn't know what she's missing and too bad for her.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Today I have got so fed up of this horrible stomach wrenching and complete sadness, that I have booked some time with a therapist about 30 miles away. He is solution oriented and thinks he can help.
I have had a friend of mine call to see me today, he is a vicar in a local church. His opinion is that I should just walk away, which is not what I wanted to hear, so that didn't help.
I seem to alternate between a steadfast desire to wait forever and the next, writing her a Dear Jane. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of the loss, Christmas cards with WIFE on the cover in the entrance to the supermarket, The same (unusual) model of car she has everywhere I look etc.
I do want to have her home and my lack of patience and positivity is just wearing me down. I need people around me to give me cause for hope, not tell me to "just walk away". On this forum may be the only people who knows how it feels. It is true that I am causing myself this anguish, she is not holding my guts in her hand after all. That is why I though I would see someone professional.
Browsing the therapist's website made my co-dependant status come up. I was looking at what he offers and thinking "W could do with that, W could do with that or that. I wonder if she would go, I would even pay for her"
I have made myself quite a mess this week. Running things through my head from our relationship, finding bad times and beating myself up about how much better I could have treated her. Then I had my W and no knowledge. Now I have the inverse.
I find it so difficult living on my own. I need physical touch and there is nobody there for me. I suppose that is selfish, I should be more concerned with W feelings.
After the episode Friday AM I hoped there might be a warming, but so far there is nothing. Throwing myself onto the roller coaster I suppose. I have tried to convince myself that I don't want her but that lasts about 2 minutes. I am aware that she has faults, I have many and have addressed them. I accept her exactly as she is with love unconditional. I just wish I could have her near though.
She has GOT to run out of money soon, she has been making major purchases which approach a full month's takehome pay.
Sorry for the rambling, not sure what if anything I am even asking.
