I am not sure what is happening again. I thought things were looking more settled, but on Friday I had a computer chat with her and was told about something expensive she was buying and the fact that she was thinking of another pet. As I couldn't find any record of a bid in her account name for the item, I think it may have been to gauge my reaction, which was "That's great". Left the chat on a nice note I thought.
Had a brief exchange last night to tell her I had some important paperwork for her and got a blunt response to send it to her mother's. Clearly saying to me, I still do not want to see you.
A couple of weeks ago, she did say she was going to take legal advice. It is since then that I haven't seen her, so I wonder if I am expecting papers to arrive and she doesn't want to face me.
Reading Co-dependant no more and various other books to try to make some sense of it all. I keep picking up DR and re-reading it. I am showing my changes are consistent and am always pleasant and friendly during conversations. I'm starting to wonder if I am just better walking away as she seems to have zero interest in trying to repair the M.
I am wary of posting too much detail now as I just wonder if she has access to my posts. I have asked for editing or deletion but I get ignored, so have to post less useful info.
OK Sandi, on my own thread, I have taken off my ring and will leave it off. I have been getting very despondant over the last couple of weeks because I haven't seen her and she seems content with that.
She came over one morning when I was at work to get some post and I did have a photo of her on the table, I suppose that needs to go too? Wonder how much that set me back, together with the above post?
Look sweetie, I know I come off a little strong at times, but I just want you guys to see what "not to do" that is hurting your own chances in R with your WAW. I may not know everything that "does" work, but I think I can warn you of things that "don't".
The holidays seem to be extra hard on broken R's. You need to be around friends and family that love you and make you feel good. This is not a selfish act, it's survival. You have to go into survival mode or you won't make it through this.
Getting out of your house and doing things away from your W will help. Every post I've read from a LBH who finally starts doing the GAL, is astonished to find out it works! Good medicine!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ajay... let me echo what Sandi is saying... I will preface it with it hasn't made any real difference in my sitch, but this is marathon, right?
During one of our recent R talks my actually came out and said she really likes seeing me out there. Doing things without her, not relying on her for a life, and she said she has wondered what much of it is but isn't asking because she doesn't want me to think she disapproves. I joked that she's free to ask... I just may not tell her everything
So the WAW does notice. Will it matter in the end? I don't know. But in the mean time the benefits for me have been great. I have found a community of people at the church who are wonderful. I get to have great political and social conversations about big-thinking topics with some very smart and interesting people. I spend time with fellow volunteers and you know what? When I spend time with them they feel more connection towards me and then volunteer to do stuff! So now I'm doubly effective because I have more help.
There is even more GAL I'd like to do but because of money it's tough. But should we split money will free up and I have my list ready. I absolutely want to post pictures of myself on my Facebook page in my flight suit, looking good, having just completed my pilot's license. However, mainly I want to do that because I've always regretted not finishing my license. If my W sees the photos and thinks "what did I let go?" well, that's a good side benefit.
Lead a fulfilling life. You don't need anybody to do that... and certainly not your W. To steal Nike's line, "Just do it".
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
In the post today was an official notice that she has registered a charge against the house. The effect of this is to prevent me selling or using the house as security for loans etc. This explains well why she has avoided me for 2 weeks, she clearly does not have the guts to be upfront with me. This also explains why I was told to send her paperwork to her mother (I have just taken it round).
So, how do I play this? I assume I have to be all sweetness and light and tell her what a clever girl she is to think of that and I am just a little disappointed that she didn't let me know what she was doing?
As a footnote, she has been harbouring a resentment for some years about the fact that her name is not on the title to the property. It wasn't deliberate, but it was my money and status used to buy the house when she had none of either.
I am very angry about this, but strangely calm at the moment. Just looks to me like she definately is wanting out. Should I carry on waiting for her? I want to but no point wasting my life crying for the moon.
Yes I will do that Sandi. How about my reaction to her if she bothers to get in touch ever again? Treat it as if it makes no odds or tell her what I really think?
Just got out of bed at 00:30. Can't sleep, missing my wife so much. Found myself calling her name over and over. I think I am losing it. Been having dark thoughts which I am trying to sort out, that's why I am writing here, someone may see and respond with words of encouragement. I'm not sure why I am still hanging on to a dream that has been destroyed. I should just give up and get the heartbreak over and done with. I just cannot see why someone you love so dearly has to treat you so badly. Erasing an 18 year history just like that. I was itching to ring her but resisted it. I think she is scared of what my reaction will be when I speak to her about the Land Registry paperwork. I have decided to tell her it was a fantastic idea and a shame we didn't think of it sooner. Hope she feels a bit more secure with that in place. That will surprise her I think. In truth, it makes little difference as I would give her my right arm if she were only by my side. I never knew missing her would be so hard. I have put her photos away and also taken off my ring. I am just so broken, I am not sure I have the strength to wait forever. She seems indifferent to the pain she is causing and maybe she is just the gold digger that others have said she is. But then I don't care because I love her and accept what and who she is without reservation. It is just a pity she cannot accept me in the same way. I will always love her unconditionally. Why are people so cruel.
I don't know if I should even mention receiving the paperwork. If I say nothing, she may think I am seething with anger and resentment. Then she may be too frightened to make contact again. If I tell her what a good idea it was, it should make her think that she was wrong to mistrust me and think I would prevent her having her dues. After all, her lack of trust in me was what made her do it.
Sorry for your pain. I understand how you feel. We all do.
There is only one thing you can do!
Only one thing that MAY save your marriage.
The one thing that WILL save you.
And it's something that just months ago seemed easy and natural.
But today is almost impossible...
LIVE!
Go out with friends. See a movie. Enjoy a pint. Go for a run.
LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!
She will only see anger if you're angry!
She will only see resentment if you are resentful!
She will only see sadness if you are sad!
Fake it if you must. At least for now.
But I guarantee...
If you fake it long enough. Fake your happiness, your joy, your love of life...
IT WILL BECOME REAL!!!
And before you know it, you are saved.
And who did you save?
YOURSELF!!!
Live AJ, Live!!!
Good luck my friend from across the pond...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
