Hang in there Ajay. Please, talk to someone about whatever dark thoughts that you're having, a friend, a C., a relative. Maybe your Dr-some meds to help you rest. I'm a newbie here... so my words of wisdom are limited. Please know that you're not alone. Unfortunately, so many of us are experiencing the same soul-tearing pain.(I'm trying to deal with this from Afganistan). Take care of yourself. Keep us posted.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ajay, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time of it. I wish I could answer your question of why people are so cruel. Maybe it's b/c there is a tiny part of us that's just born in us, but most times, we are able to overcome the bad, IDK.
I've read some of the other LBH's explain how that sometimes they just have to embrace the pain in order to get through it. I guess whatever it takes for the individual. I can't pretend to know how you feel, since I've not been in your shoes. I do care, however, and I know everyone on this board cares. Maybe if you just keep reading other threads, it may help get you through the night.
But I do want to caution you about the last part of your post. Do not tell your W anything.....ANYTHING....until you get legal advice. I know you don't care, right now. But you could really mess yourself up for a long time by acting out of these strong emotions. Yes, you love her more than anything on earth, but by the time she's through with you....it may be a different story. I think MWD suggests that we go at least 72 hours before acting on anything of this level importance. So don't talk to her tonight. Don't tell her anything when you're this low, okay?
Quote:
How about my reaction to her if she bothers to get in touch ever again? Treat it as if it makes no odds or tell her what I really think?
It depends upon what she has to say when she contacts you. I would not say that you should tell her it makes no matter to you, b/c when it comes to legal matters, etc., then she should be talked to from the level of calm sternness, and in order that she makes no mistake, she sees you as a strong, decisive man and won't be run over.
As for what she does in her life that doesn't change you financially, then act as if you don't care. It kind of sounds as if she wants to goad you by telling you how much she is spending. Have you separated your bank account from hers? If not, I STRONGLY advise you to do so. Remember, this is not the girl you M, and you can't underestimate what she's capable of doing.
This advice is not intended to make you mean to her. It is to save you, and hopefully, save the M. I don't know what happens to make women change into something totally opposite from what she used to be. But, I know that most WAW has to be shown a certain amount of tough love from the man she is trying to walk all over. Trust me, if you told her tonight what you said in your last paragraph......you would not be one bit closer to her. She would make your life even more miserable than it is right now.
((Ajay))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When a person is truly in need of help, in need of company, in need of someone to listen and talk too, the help comes out in droves.
It's inspiring...
Ajay, you are not alone. I hope you realize that all of us strangers from all over the world truly and genually care.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Only a few hours. I went to a solicitor first thing but nobody would see me without phoning for an appointment. So that is a "to do". The paperwork I received is pretty clear anyway, I know what it is and what the effect is. In a nutshell, I cannot sell or use the house as security without her signature. Also if she wanted to occupy the house, she has a legal right to do so, although the money is the motivator here.
I sent her a TM saying I had received the paperwork and it was a great idea, maybe it will help her feel more secure.
I got back "Hope you are OK with it, can't talk now, ring me tonight x"
Note the "x"
Clearly not the reaction she had steeled herself for and took the wind out of her sails. No idea what comes next, D petition maybe? My psychology books are suggesting that this is the right method, agree with everything she does and go along with it with a happy face. Apparently, it disarms them, because they cannot argue with someone who agrees all the time. Also it adds the mystery element of why they are not fighting it.
As far as this paperwork goes, it is a fait accompli, so nothing whatever I can do. If the D petition happens, well so what, the ED has already taken place and so the legal bit is irrelevant. Let's see how I take it though if it happens, but it will be her doing the work, I will not help in any way but have decided I wouldn't defend it.
My chest feels like there is an elephant sitting on it and I am still shaking. Shock I suppose.
Ajay your psychology books are correct. There is a treatment modality called Motivational Interviewing used with substance abusers. One of the interventions is labeled. 'rolling with resistance". Which means to not challenge and going with the flow. I initially faught W when I got served now I cooperate and smile. I have no choice. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
My chest feels like there is an elephant sitting on it and I am still shaking. Shock I suppose.
The way you've described how your chest feels....is the same words I've heard from heart patients. Please Ajay, don't put all this down to shock. I am very concerned about you. If you aren't feeling any relief, please go to the ER.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It has abated thanks Sandi. I'm sure it was not a health problem.
Just thinking onto the keyboard here...
What I would give to see her come through the door tonight and have a smile on her face. I haven't seen that for so long and she thinks I am such an ogre. It looks like she has re-invented me in her mind and has convinced herself that I will hurt her anyway I can. It is so far from the truth.
Not sure what the next step is, she was keen to talk to me last night but has gone cold again now. I really want to hear her voice.
Ajay... I'm wondering if what you were feeling isn't a broken heart. There are physical symptoms to it... pressure, pain in your chest, you feel like you're contracting in on yourself. I know I've felt it... it's horrible but like the psychic pain it too passes.
I would encourage you to start visualizing what a happy, successful life looks without your wife. I know, that's painful to do, but it will help. It will give you something to work towards, something to grow to. What have you wanted to do that you haven't been able to? What is something you want to achieve but haven't?
For myself I've always wanted to finish my pilot's license. I've also wanted to finish my degree and then go to law or graduate school. I can do those things. They will cost money but I can find a way. I haven't ever done them now because I subordinated my wishes and desires to my W's and my family's. Will it make a difference in my R? Bring my W back? Who knows... but I know it will make me into what I want to be. I love flying. I love the law. I love politics. I love civic service. I love my wife. I love my kids. Right now one of those I can't have, so I am going to focus on all the rest.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
The issue I have created is feeling that my W is all I need. She has been the centre of my universe for the last 8 years if not longer. So I have had my hobbies, of course, but have nothing I want to achieve and I don't mean that in a negative way. I took my PPL in 1993 which is how we came to meet. I did 150 hours but gave it up because I had an expensive mortgage to support as well as a W who thought that money grew on trees. I have done everything I set out to do and having a happy marriage was the cherry on top.
I am still not sure what is in her head and I am sure I never will. It seems that after the "you don't need me anymore so I will stay away" on Nov 1st, she has done exactly that. I thought it was just temper talk because she had seen some of my changes, going out, dressing well and having lunch with a female friend.
I think there is something in her that is not able to respond to my changes except by shutting down and shutting me out. Then I got the Land registry paperwork.
I am wondering if I should me more communicative with her and tell her that she is still wanted and needed. It seems that she needs to see I am here for her if she is to believe she can come home.
Sorry if this makes no sense I am writing this in a teary fog.
