I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[kara]

Tad,

Do you realize that many people on this site implemented NC or low-contact (is that a reconized term?) for months while sharing a home with a WAS? You do not live with your ex and you do not have young children so you have an advantage already. You are addicted to interacting with her even if it is negative interaction. You feed off the analysis of her behaviour and motives because you think it will provide answers. You fear limited contact because it means for the first time in a long time she will not be there. Even if she spews rage at you at least you are getting something from her, right?

Your wife needs counseling. You need to take your medicine....right now you're saying "I know that if I took this medicine it would work, but it sure tastes awful". It tastes awful (at first) but it WORKS.

[GAL Man]

Tad

I have just read your last 2 threads, and you have been given the best advise on Detatching for YOU that I have seen.

YOU have to do this for YOU, otherwise stuckville we be your residence for some time.

We all know its not easy, but do it. One of my favorite sayings is from Yoda LOL.....

No, try not, do or do not, there us not try.............

It will make xw mad, so what, you first.

Detachment is for you to heal, get away from the blame projecting and anger. Give YOU a chance to take a breath, GAL and figure out just who you are.

This also has a bye product at the same time (but is not the main driver). NC will show your strong and non clingy. It also shows strength, courage and non neediness. Be strong, get away from xw and give her time without the guilt she feels around you.

Take responsibilities for your contributions to the failure of the marriage, learn from them, but don't dwell on them. This is for you, to help you learn and to make you a better tad, for your future.

Yes its hard, bloody hard, we all know that, as I do......I'm doing it FOR ME, no one else.

It's been 5 weeks NC AT ALL from me, with 2 kids (12&14) so can be done. The hardest challenge for me was just last week when W left me a crying hysterical vm message, and I WAS tempted to call. BUT she was still projecting blame at me and throwing in she left me stuff, so why subject myself to mire of the same. Yes, I'm human and did FEEL it, but I didn't react, respond or reply, for ME.

You can do it too

[Ajay]

Can you clarify the NC for me please? My W is generally friendly and pleasant during contact. So I am not enormously fearful of the roller coaster. Does that suggest that I should keep regular contact or is it still as well to back right off?

[seeking answers]

Ajay,

If contact is going well for you then by all means stay the course as long as you avoid R talks and can maintain a PMA. Do what works, don't do what doesn't.

NC is for those LBSs who have WA spouses who either treat them poorly during contact or as a way that the LBS can show the WAS what life will be like without them.

Sorry for the hi-jack Tad.

[Ajay]

Apologies from me too. I did make contact and guess who is back on the roller coaster ride?

Best of luck Tad, one of the things we all share is the knowledge of how we all hurt so deeply. Take care.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks.

Things are getting a little better.

I think I have found a place to live. Now, I have to figure out how to get in there with all of the deposits.

I still love her dearly, but I still can't believe how cold and heartless she is towards me.

She was at the house today to pick up a few leftover things and S16 for the long weekend.

I didn't talk much and neither did she. I could feel my anger boiling inside and it started to come out towards her but I squashed it.

This was interesting though:

Over the years, we had saved every love letter that we had written to each other. We had an entire box full of them. We also had a mirror that I made her in high school that said: "Tad Loves XW."

When she moved out, she told me to keep the mirror because I made it. She also wanted to throw the letters away and I wouldn't let her. Then she wanted to burn them. In the end, I ended up keeping them because I couldn't part with them. Today, I asked if she wanted the mirror. She said yes and I asked her why. She said "because it is still part of my life." I gave it to her and sat the box of love letters next to it in the garage and said "here is the box of letters we have written to each other." She looked at it and then finished what she was doing. When she left, to my surprise she put the mirror in her car and also came back for the letters. I didn't ask why. Just thought I would share because I found it interesting.

Tad

[AJM]

Hi Tad. Happy Thanksgiving!

Mine did similar Tad. But much like the mirror and letters,you need to let her go. What she does or doesn't do is her business. She may read every letter. Or she may burn them and throw the mirror away. Either way, let them go. Let her be her and let her take this part of her journey the way she knows how. Do it with gratitude and peace, Tad. Do it sooner than later as best you can.

The anger? It's there to help you. Face it. Figure out why and deal with that emotion rather than let it fester.

Peace,

AJ

[angel61]

Tad, same thing as Ajay said went through my mind when I read your ost. When you keep an eye on her and wonder why, you are still not detaching.

Let her go. You need to work on:

1. Not trying to mind read - wondering what her motivation is for doing whatever she is doing.
2. Putting her out of your mind, tell yourself yu are not intereted in her antics
3. Anticipating her next move, trying to interpret her moves - like is it positive? negative? etc.
4. Acting in ways that you think will matter to her, especially when she is around.
5. Finding out what she is saying or doing with the kids. Unless it is very important, tell your kids not to talk to you abut their mom.

These are a few concrete examples for you. If you can work on one thing at a time I think it will help. Also, next time you post can you write just about yourself, what you are doing, your self analysis, instead of about your W? its about time you concentrate on yourself!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

I just realized that it has been nearly two weeks since I have posted anything.

There really isn't anything new to report. Thanksgiving was terrible though. S25 was with a friend, S21 and S16 were with XW and S19 and me were at S19's girlfriend's house. Talk about a divided family!

I am in the process of getting out of this house. I should know more soon about a place that I found.

I am also deleting my "radio personality" FB page and making one that is just me. No more Mr. Radio.

I have been working a lot of hours because of the holiday shopping season. It's a lot of work, but atleast I am busy and it keeps my mind occupied.

I really am thankful for this site and all of the people here. I think some of the advice may be starting (finally) to sink in.

While in the car the other day, I realized that I would love to have my wife back, but I'm not going to live a miserable life if she never does come back. I'm convinced that she really is crazy. I'm also convinced that she will be the one with the broken heart someday.

I decided to officially date too. Nothing serious, but just for some fun. If something serious DOES happen, then it does.

I don't talk to XW much at all anymore. However, two days ago I got a lovely text from her telling me that leaving me was the best choice she has ever made. She also told me that I was so controlling. I think I read somewhere once that MLC is a lot about control. It still hurts, but I don't let it hurt or bother me as much as it used to.

That's about it for now.

Thanks for everything.....

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Her need to text you this stuff is just evidence of the craziness...It stinks that you have to deal with that. It's SOOOOO over the top and makes no sense considering that your d. is final. She should have no reason to text anything...and yet she does... she took a one-way ticket to crazytown.

But it's nice to see the changes you are making, the alt change is interesting, and it's not that I'm trying to make something out of nothing, but the idea of you taking charge of who "you" are now is really important and empowering...keep it up!!