Punches??What punches?

[2stepboogie]

Hello Karma,

I must say that Bond is right on this.

Here is the thing....

You can sacrifice a lot, you can make concessions, hell you can even move if you think it would lend to reconciliation, problem is that right now all you have is a hope and a dream oh an a MIL feeding you what could or could not be accurate information.

Do you have expectations? People ask this all the time but there is NO ONE on this website that does not have some sort of expectation; if you didn’t you would not be here would you?

So you have zero indication from you W that she would like to work on the marriage but yet you would consider moving 400 miles (I believe that is the right distance right?), quit a good paying job, sell your house on the hopes that you would win back your wife, but at what expense?

Your W would like to get counseling…..wait she changed her mind……wait she wants to go to counseling again…….get the point?

There is a certain level of work you have to do and a certain level of work she will have to do and at this point I see her doing none of it.

I remember when you first came here you doubted everything about yourself, like most of us, you berated yourself for the breakdown of your marriage but slowly the blinders where lifted and you started to see more clearly. Good for you!

As you see more clearly you realize that while you certainly had your shortcomings your W did not walk away from this with clean hands.

In order for any reconciliation to work BOTH parties have to be on board and BOTH parties have to be willing to do the hard work.

From where I sit you lose everything and could walk away empty handed anyways. I don’t see the value in that or how that becomes a benefit for you R in the long run.

Am I saying not to move?

No.

But I don’t see how moving right now based on the information you have makes any sense.

[Redo]

gabbysmom : Thanks for the feedback. Yea it is that lack of any info from her that is troubling me. I told my MIL that i might try to invite her on a date instead and then we can try to start fresh. But MIL said that one of us have to give in. Right now i feel like MIL is try to push me into doing something that i will surely come to regret later. The worse part is that i am just getting started to apply to university here for phd. And it is the best in TX. Yea i really need to think thorugh this.

Mr. Bond: I really appreciate your straight to the point talk. Yup, actually that is what i told MIL today. But now i am having this nagging feeling that i might have ended up disappointing her. I really have to rid myself of these things.

2Step: So great to hear from you man. Hope everything is going good for you!

I think you really hit on the points.

If i know that my wife is ready to work with me and make even one sincere step, I am ready to give all these up and move to work. There is no such thing. Our convos revolve our daughter and wife telling me her stories of her life there with her family. She seems genuinely happy with herself there.

Yes the moment MIL suggested this and said that one has gotta give, I did feel upset. We have a beautiful home and i have a great job where i can take care of both of them comfortably. While i understand that she has burnt some bridges I'll be there to protect her unlike before. But she has to reach out to me.

I have a very bad feeling that wife is trying to blame this on me. Apparently she told my MIL that she wants to work on the marriage, but knows that i'll never move back. This feels like manipulation. MIL tells me that wife is scared. How can i work on a broken marriage if my spouse is scared?? It will not change just because i move back to her town.

But i am planning on doing this: Write a heartfelt email to wife, again accpeting my role in this whole mess. Then also write that if she wants to try to get to know the new me. If yes, we can try dating to see if we jive. No strings attached. I guess can slowly see where that goes. That way hopefully i might be able to ally here fears. Hopefully she will see and like the new me. And maybe i can now learn more about my wife.

The way i see it: She's fallen down in the dark and unable to see anything in front of her. Me on the other hand with some confidence can see us getting out of this. So i'll extend my hand and see if she takes it. If she does, I'll make sure we get out of this stronger. If not, I'll just have to accept that some people just love to live in their misery and no matter how much you try, they are too caught up in their own BS that do not want to get out.

[Redo]

Thanks Gabbysmom:

Yea you are right. I really had a very bad feeling that i was going back to a place i did not want to go.

The whole idea of again emailing my wife again trying to act strong was useless. She knows very well that i am waiting. I guess it is up to her now.

Thanks y'all for all the support.

[spellfire]

Now is not the time to give up "a job that pays 3 times as much" in my humble opinion.

As shallow as this sounds, your financial success is a contributing factor to your worth and attractiveness as a husband and provider.

[2stepboogie]

I believe in honoring the vows, but not at all costs.

1000% Agree

[Redo]

Thanks Y'all for the feedback!!

What a week/month it has been. Quite a rollercoaster for my emotions.

For the past month or two it has been a bit of downer. Especially that i fell off my gym wagon and gained some weight back. Now i know how much 'feeling good about yourself' helps you emotionally. I just keep giving excuses everyday to go to the gym....

A part of my funk also has been all the flip flopping wife has been doing and lack of any momemtum in our sitch. And i guess the impending holidays

4 months back wife suggested us going to see a counselor to see if can be helped. Even though i had my doubts, i said yes to it. Started my search on finding a counselor. Then wife changed her mind. But i was able to convince her that if not anything we should try once to talk to counselor. She agreed. In october she changed her mind that she wanted me to come to her town to see a counselor. To which i said 'yes'. I told her that I am willing to make sacrifices if it meant saving my R with her. Just that evening she calls and up says that she does not want to do any counseling at all. I did not know what to think anymore...

My MIL then calls up and suggests that if i move back to wife's city then wife might change her mind. This is one thing that i was really not willing. Though i honestly entertained the thought in my mind. But at the end i felt that i would lose respect for myself if i did it.

Wife today calls me up for small talk. She has been trying to get her temp job permanent and seems like she got it. I told her that i was happy and congratulated her. We talked about stuff relating to daughter. I am bringing her to stay with me for thanksgiving. Then somehow we wandered into R talk. I told her "Wife, I am trying in every way to reach down and grab your hand to pull you out of pit of sorrow you are in so that we can walk and work together as partners. I am ready to be there next you as man. But somehow you chose to be in that pit. At this time i have nothing more left in me". Yea sounded like a movie line. But that's how i felt. Next thing i know wife is again asking me to look for a counselor in her city so we can figure this thing out.

Wow!!! what a ride! I don't need Six-Flags at all !

[spellfire]

Then somehow we wandered into R talk. I told her "Wife, I am trying in every way to reach down and grab your hand to pull you out of pit of sorrow you are in so that we can walk and work together as partners. I am ready to be there next you as man. But somehow you chose to be in that pit. At this time i have nothing more left in me". Yea sounded like a movie line. But that's how i felt. Next thing i know wife is again asking me to look for a counselor in her city so we can figure this thing out.

Wow!!! what a ride! I don't need Six-Flags at all !

Notice how she responds to assertive karma, and not placating karma? The rollercoaster is you.

[jbnati]

I told her "Wife, I am trying in every way to reach down and grab your hand to pull you out of pit of sorrow you are in so that we can walk and work together as partners. I am ready to be there next you as man. But somehow you chose to be in that pit. At this time i have nothing more left in me". Yea sounded like a movie line. But that's how i felt. Next thing i know wife is again asking me to look for a counselor in her city so we can figure this thing out.

Good job, MK. Very nicely done. I think a lot of us could say that to our Ws in our own sitches and mean every word. I agree with SF - she is responding differently to the 180, and in a positive way. No question she's conflicted, the way she's flip-flopping on the whole C thing.

[Redo]

Wow, took quite a break from the forums.
Work got busy and as usual i dove deep into my hobbies.

Slacked off on gym....i really need to cut down on time i spend with my model trains, rc cars and airplanes

My sitch: No traction. same old same old. My bad days are fewer now. But i guess thats also because the D seems to be on hold.

Couple of things to cheer me up: Daughter visited over thanksgiving and we had a blast. Redo for christmas and now for a week. Really looking forward to it. Also visiting my family overseas in Feb. Really looking forward to it. For my last visit in Jan is when my wife threw the bomb and my whole trip turned into one big depression episode. Now i am actually looking to enjoy my time.

Dont want to be judgmental, but my wife's attitude is the same. She is still the poor victim. Ironically she called me up this monday and had a crying episode. Apparently she had been fighting with her parents too. She feels that everyone is out to judge her. I feel bad for her. I calmed her down and even gave her few tips on how to look at things to make them more manageable. Ironical because usually its me who's lost.

I just try no to think too much about the future at all. Just live for tomorrow.

[kolja]

mykarma- Model airplanes is a hobby of mine too. I haven't been able to partake because I haven't been set up (a move, a deployment, then-faince moving in, second deployment, getting married, third deployment - a surprise) but as part of 'getting a life' it's something I'm looking forward to getting back into. I had a model train set up when I was a kid, and still get the magazine, and it's beens something I've been looking forward to restarting once I know I'm done moving for a while!!