Wife left

[CO1978]

So after 5 years of marriage and being together for 7 years my wife told me she was moving out of the house and in with her parents (11/7/11). She told me she needed time to think and needed space. She said she wasn’t sure if she loved me anymore and wasn’t sure if she wanted to or had the energy to try to work things out. She kept saying she didn’t want me to hate her or be mad at her. She never said she wanted a divorce, only a separation so she could be on her own for a while. Of course this came as a shock to me, I knew we had our ups and downs but we always came out ok (or I thought we did). We had just taken a vacation together to Florida (Oct 23-39) which I thought went well. Our sex life was fantastic. She said lack of communication was the biggest issue. She said she couldn’t believe I couldn’t see that something was wrong. She was feeling so depressed and I never noticed. I have a very stressful job (Law Enforcement) and I know I let it get the better of me and sometimes shut down. I know I can do better communicating (thanks to a lot of self help reading I did these past few days), but feel I may never get a chance to show her. I never cheated on her, never physically abused her, and never talked down to her. We have a son that is 4. Since she moved out we have been in contact mostly about arrangements for our son. Some mornings she comes to the house to pick our son up before I go to work, and she sleeps in our bed after I leave for work. (Hopefully that is a good sign). When we do see each other I always ask her about her day, and activly listen to her. She has agreed to marriage counseling which we start tonight. I also told her I was willing to seek therapy for myself to get better. I am just worried she is only doing this so we can be friends for our son. I am willing to do anything it takes to get her back. This last week has been the hardest week of my life. I don’t think I could be just friends with her. Any help on this heartbreak would be great.

[Hopeful321]

She asked for space and time. Give it to her. Trust me, if you keep pursuing her, you are just pushing her farther away. I begged, pleaded and cried for my H not to leave and all I did was push him farther out the the door. Then I decided to give him his space. About a month of detaching from him, he is slowly calling and texting me. You need to be patient.It's hard I know. When she calls you don't answer it. If it's important she will leave a message. Wait an hour and call her back. If she text you, don't respond right away. The same thing with emails. You really don't have a choice.

[totallygutted]

Anytime you hear the "I need Space" thing I suggest you look for evidence of an EA. It's often part of the speech you get when the EA is headed to PA. Check computers, phones, email etc. Do it now!

[Accuray]

1978,

Your W's speech is indeed often script you hear when an OM is involved. I would not necessarily go digging as suggested above however. Most people on this board will tell you they're far worse off after they dig. Assume the best and operate from a position of strength.

Your first plan is to read the book "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy", they will give you a way forward.

Know that you cannot follow your gut right now, your instincts are wrong in a marriage crisis. You will be tempted to try to show your wife how much you love her, you will be tempted to pursue her to get her back. This will not work, as a matter of fact, it fails every time.

Picture that your wife is standing next to you. She's just taken a big step to the right, putting distance between you. If you now step right to follow her, she's going to take another step right, and then another, and soon she'll be running. These steps are "emotional distance", she will increasingly shut down. When you then get your act together, you will need to reclaim all that distance inch by painful inch. Do NOT push her further away right now.

If you're standing together and your wife takes a big step to the right, what happens when you take a step to the *left* instead? For one thing, she won't move any farther away. For another, she's going to wonder why you went the other direction, and she may take a small step closer to try to find out.

That's your goal right now -- stabilize the situation until you can educate yourself.

Often we think that this is an "emergency" and that we need to fix it right now. You can't, if you panic, you'll make it worse. There is no deadline, you cannot fix this quickly. It will take time and patience and you need to apply that now.

Give her space, back off. Focus on improving yourself. Divorce Busting recommends 3 things to do:

180: Whatever used to bother your wife, whatever she used to complain about, stop doing it -- in fact, do the opposite. If you used to ask her about her whereabouts, act like you don't care, etc. Become a new and better person. Don't TELL her, SHOW her.

GAL: "Get a Life" -- do things for yourself to make yourself happy. Pursue a new hobby, hang out with friends, get out of the house. Exercise, take a class, etc. This helps you cope, it makes you more interesting to your wife, gives you things to talk about other than your relationship, etc.

Act as If: Do not be sad around your wife. Don't make her responsible for your emotional wellbeing. She will resent you for that, it will make her feel badly, so she will avoid you. Instead, "act as if" everything is OK.

DO NOT send her love notes, letters, etc. putting your heart on the line. You should make it clear that you would like to work on the marriage, that you want her back, and that you also want her to be happy, but leave it at that. Don't ask for agreement or commitments. Tell her how you feel *one time* and leave it at that.

All of these things are extremely hard, you have to be superman right now, and do all the work yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint, so set your expectations accordingly. Women who walk away typically plan to do so for months. This was not a spur of the moment decision on her part, she agonized over it. Therefore, she needs to see a reason to come back, you need to SHOW her it will be better than proceeding without you.

Accuray.

[CO1978]

Thanks for the replies so far.

I did read the 37 rules (great btw, though I broke some of them at first, but am sticking to them now)

Wednesday night was our first marriage counseling session. I thought it went well, although it was a “me” bashing session. During the session I realized I was the problem in our marriage. We discovered I am an alcoholic, controlling, and depressed. The therapist really did a great job explaining why I was that way to my wife. When she was asked if she wanted this to work, she still responded she wasn’t sure. She said she probably wouldn’t want to work it out if she didn’t care about hurting me. I agreed to quit drinking, give up total control of our bank accounts (although she had already opened her own bank account), respect her decisions and opinions, and become a better communicator. He gave us homework to read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and make a list of issues that need to change (which I pretty much had already done). We both agreed to another session, but she wanted us to go separate. At the end of the night when we got home, she did hug me before she left back to her parents’ house. (Not sure if she hugged me because she wanted to, or she knew I was going to ask for one). She showed up the next morning to watch our son before I went to work and we had a great conversation about just random general topics. I asked her if she knew where my wedding band was (I never wore it because I’m a Corrections Officer and I don’t like inmates knowing I’m married.), so I can wear it around when I’m not at work to constantly remind me why I don’t want to drink. When I got home from work and asked her about her day, she said she was lazy and just slept, took a shower and sat around. Of coarse I told her she deserved to have a day like that every now and then. We talked more about general topics and she gave me my wedding ring. I had asked her if she wanted to sell our time share or keep it, and she said lets keep it for now. I then told her our morning conversation was our best conversation we had in a long time and it made me feel really good. She agreed, and began talking about our MC session last. She said she thought it was really good and was excited to go back. She accepted that she was to blame on some things, and was glad we can work things out to be at least friends for our son. I told her I will try, but wasn’t totally sure I could be just friends, and it might be very difficult, but for our son I would do my best. She reiterated the she still wasn’t sure what she wanted, and not to get my hopes up. She felt like she may never get over the feeling of “walking on eggshells” but was open to the idea counseling may help and was worried what would happen if I reverted back to my old ways. She knew I was sincere, but wasn’t sure if she could risk it.

[CO1978]

Last night the MIL posted some pictures of my son on FB. I sent her a private message back which said: "Hey I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I ever came off as being rude to you. I always felt some jelousy towards you because of how much {wife} confided in you [this was something I admitted to during our marriage counseling]. I think you are a great person, mother, and grandmother. If {wife} and I work this out I would like to spend more time with you ( the 3 of us hanging out)" This morning when the wife came to the house before I left to work we chatted a little about genreal topics and told her I did this so she wouldnt think I was going behind her back or anything. She seemed happy about it. I also told her that something was bugging me. The day before she mentioned that she should have been more cautious with me when I told her a major reason I married her was because she quit smoking (I had made this comment years ago). I explained to her it wasn't her quitting smoking, it was the commitment of doing something that difficult for me that was the reason. I had never had someone do anything like that for me. I also told her I married her because she is kind, caring, smart and sexy. She smiled (first real smile I saw on her face in a LONG time). At that point I had to leave for work as I was running late, we wished each other both a good day.

[CO1978]

Not sure if I'm naive or in denial or very trusting and sure of myself, but I don't really think there is OM. The only people she really talks to on her phone are her brother and mother. She never made any suspicious plans. The day after she left I did ask her if there was another guy, she quickly answered no, the last thing I want now is a relationship (yeah that hurt me a bit). Could needing space be just needing space? Also as our second counseling session approaches (we are going in separate) is this session the deal breaker? I've talked to a lot of friends (who don't know if my situation) about when they went thru their divorces and the a majority of the ones that went to counseling said after the 2nd session their wives stopped going and divorce was imminent.

[Accuray]

CO1978,

There may very well not be OM, you would know that better than anybody. Maybe she really does just need space. WRT the 2nd session, your friends aren't a very good guide unless they tried using DB techniques.

This situation can be so fragile and there are so many ways to go wrong, it's hard to use your friends' experiences as a guide. Read the books, do what you can to change yourself, and you'll have the best possible chance of turning things around.

Don't worry about averages, remember there are no deadlines. Take it slow and do it right.

Accuray

[CO1978]

Thanks for the advice Accuray. I ordered the books, still waiting for them to arrive in mail. Was doing well with GAL but today was a set back. Wife came to house as normal before I went to work to watch S and we talked (general conversation). Even tho I knew she was off today I assumed she would be their when I got home, she wasn't. Hard day alone, was really hoping to talk a little more, and really wanted to spend rest of day with S. I tried to take my mind off things by going grocery shopping, doing launday and going for a run. Then tonight noticed on her FB account she changed her status from married to separated. That one cut really deep, even tho its the truth. She is off again tomorrow, have a feeling I wont see my S again. I am afraid to call her, even tho its over seeing my S.

[Accuray]

CO1978,

Don't panic, panic is your enemy. I have helped several people on this board who were convinced they would never hear from their spouse again unless they pursued them now. Don't do it, if you chase her she *will* run.

Don't talk about your relationship, don't tell her you love her. Be the first one to end your conversations. Be polite. You should feel free to pursue seeing you S. You have every right to be the best father you can be. Just make it about that when you talk to your W for now.

One of the things I learned is that stating your feelings over and over again is not necessary. If she's not deaf, she heard you and she knows. You need to detach and give her space. It is the only thing that works right now.

Find another outlet for your emotions -- a friend is a good choice, particularly an old friend you haven't seen for a while that you won't run into around town. Find someone you can call to vent and you will be less likely to need to drop it on your W. Running is good too, the more exercise the better right now.

Hang in there, it will get better. Just know that backsliding prolongs recovery so dig deep and be as tough as you can be.

Accuray