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Originally Posted By: snodderly
Tad,
Your xw is an absolute mess. She doesn't know what she wants and even though eveyrone has given you good advice, I am 100% w/Trusting. She's right about getting sucked into her drama. Step back and you need to learn how to cut the conversations short. You do not need to be bashed over and over again. Yes, you had apart in the break down of your marriage, but the marriage is over and you are divorced...she needs to realize that she does not have any more claim on you, your life and if you opt to have someone new come into your life. Set your boundaries and keep them.

YOU ARE DIVORCED...WHAT'S TO SAY??


One more thing, when she's like this...cut your conversations short. Your xw needs to come to the realization that you are moving on. It's okay to keep the door ajar, but you need to move forward and live each day for yourself.


WHAT SHE SAID....PLEASE....this is getting too crazy


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: AntoniaB
I don't think this relationship is ready for counseling because she is a total unequivocal mess, and I think this convo is no different than any other one before.


EXACTLY!! oh, with a little less yelling...gee that sure is hopeful tad???


I think she sucked you back in SO badly. You resisted in the very beginning and then she calmed down enough to suck you in to not hang up, and she proceeded to eventually get around to the spewing and insults, and then kept you on the phone by occasionally throwing out things that probably gave you hope, such as the admission that she doesn't like being divorced.


who does?? She misses the boys too....not enough to Do anything about it but enough to tell YOU not to date...


Once you said you wished you could massage her forehead, that was a palm in the face moment for me ;-) Like really?? After all this, you're pursuing again? Cause that's a type of pursuit.

sorry but that was
among the most pathetic things I've heard you say...

and you know Tad, nothing else I say now will help. It'll be too harsh.

I have to let go of this...but listen to Antonia and ALL the other posters who are trying to get you to MOVE FORWARD...a day before she called you admitted YOU are who holds you back. Not finding a place or a job or saving for a deposit. NONE of that is relevant.

So she calls you and though you are divorced and have heard spew that is literally insane sounding

you lapped it up as soon as she allowed you to...Geez Tad, get some real help--no shame in it, but do it, and move on.

I am still shaking my head.



She is leading you by the nose...the whole "well there are more things that I want to talk about..." now that just has you not GALing, but waiting and wondering what they are, and allowing her the opportunity to keep you distracting from caring for yourself and then be her punching bag when she chooses.

If someone were treating me this way, I'd go fully dark on them. FULLY. It's the behavior of a child in a temper tantrum. She needs a counselor. You can't be that guy. Or she needs time enough alone to get her head right. You will never gain any strength if you keep allowing her to derail you.

Boy this is so true!



She is in the initial shock of the divorce, finding out that it didn't change things. So...let her FACE that fact. What's happening is that she is confiding in YOU, almost like she is blaming you that divorce didn't get her what she wanted. You're the last person she should confide in if she made a mistake.

She is a child who needs to grow up, and the sad thing is that she is stopping YOU from growing up in ways you need to by involving you in her drama, and the even sadder thing is that you keep letting her.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Wow - I don't know your whole story, Tad, but I am a little surprised by how negatively every body is seeing this. I actually have a more positive take on it.

She, like most WASs, was unhappy and thought leaving was going to make her happy - it didn't.

Quote:
TOLD ME THAT SHE HAS BEEN TRYING TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ME FOR THE LAST YEAR BUT CAN'T


Because she's depressed, and depressed people have trouble getting that dopamine high except from the novelty of a new R or from dangerous behaviors. But her telling you she has been "trying" - I'm guessing that she just can't admit to herself how much it is bothering her to think of you with another woman. The jealousy can sometimes be the first sign of those "feelings" surfacing. Many a WAS has gone from "no feelings" to suddenly back to feeling them. It's like they are almost deliberately fighting against the return of feelings, because they are scared.

Quote:
SAYS SHE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED WHEN SHE MOVED OUT. SHE JUST NEEDED TO GET AWAY FROM ME


Typical for a WAS - they feel bad or depressed, don't really know why, figure it must be their spouse's fault and if only they could chew their arm off and get out of the trap, things will be better.

Quote:
ASKED IF I WAS SEEING ANYONE. I WAS HONEST AND SAID SORT OF BUT NOTHING SERIOUS. SHE DIDN'T PRESS THE ISSUE.
* THEN SHE WANTED TO KNOW HER:
NAME
AGE
NATIONALITY


Oh, she is DYING of jealousy that you are dating someone. Funny how it never occurs to them, when they cheat, that someday you might date someone new too.

Quote:
INSISTED THAT OM IS JUST A FRIEND AND SAYS THAT SHE HAS NOT SLEPT WITH HIM


Does this meet reality testing? The WAS will often tell bold-faced lies, so if it doesn't jive with the info you have, just ignore it. But true or not, her telling you this sounds like her trying to paint a picture of herself as someone you might take back.

Quote:
ADMITTED TO GOING ON A DATE WITH A MATH PROFESSOR AT HER WORK, BUT IT WAS A ONE TIME DEAL.


Ditto

Quote:
TOLD ME THAT WE CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WANT ALL OR NOTHING AND SHE CAN'T GIVE ME "THAT" PART OF HER RIGHT NOW.


"Okay". Ummm....you're dating someone else, you weren't exactly asking this now, were you? This is HER wrestling with her OWN desire to be with you but being uncertain about whether she can be trusted.

Quote:
SAID THAT I NEVER LISTENED TO HER


True or not, sounds like HER PERCEPTION in the marriage was that she wasn't being heard. A good clue for what you need to work on.

Quote:
SAID THAT SHE FELT WORTHLESS, WHEN I TOLD HER THAT SHE ISN'T WORTHLESS, SHE SAID SHE KNOWS SHE ISN'T


She's feeling pretty guilty and stupid

Quote:
TOLD ME THAT IF WE CAN STOP THE FIGHTING, ARGUING AND REHASHING OF EVENTS OF THE LAST YEAR, WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO TO LUNCH SOMETIME

* SAID THAT RIGHT NOW, I HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK HER FOR ANYHTING INCLUDING LUNCH


Turn that around - what she really means is that SHE has no right to ask YOU for anything (Lots of WAS statements have the pronouns reversed like that wink )

Quote:
SAID THAT SHE HASN'T SLEPT FOR MONTHS

* IT MAKES HER SAD TO BE DIVORCED

* SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE

* SHE HATES BEING ALONE


She's figuring out that you weren't really the problem, and she misses you

Quote:
WANTS S16 FOR ENTIRE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND. I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT HER ON IT.


Is this her trying to repair her R with him?

Quote:
CONFUSED ME BY SAYING "YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED" AND LESS THAN A MINUTE LATER SAYS "YOUR NEXT WIFE WILL BE LUCKY AND GET THE BEST OF YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH."

* SAID THAT SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS FOR ME.

* ASKED ME WHAT MY FAMILY THOUGHT OF HER

* WANTED TO KNOW IF I TOLD MY FRIENDS ALL OF THE THINGS THAT SHE HAS DONE


Yeah, if she had no feelings for you, she wouldn't care what your family thought of her, and she wouldn't be so jealous.

Quote:
SAID THAT SHE HAS TO GET A SECOND JOB BECAUSE I AM "MAKING" HER PAY CHILD SUPPORT


Yeah, divorce [censored], and two households are more expensive than one. Nobody wins.

Quote:
SAID DIVORCE IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GIVE HER SPACE THAT SHE NEEDED


Haha, yeah - if you had just let her have all the time in the world to have her affairs, she wouldn't be in this divorced pickle now. So sad.

Quote:
WHEN ASKED WHY SHE COULDN'T QUIT TALKING TO OM, SHE SAID SHE DID FOR AWHILE, BUT COULDN'T ANSWER WHY SHE STARTED TALKING TO HIM AGAIN

* ADMITTED THAT GOING ON THE DATING SITE WAS WRONG


Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. It's addictive.

Quote:
SAID THAT SHE HOPED I DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE


Cuz she still wants her old life to be there just in case she comes back.

Quote:
SAYS THAT SHE HAS BEEN MISERABLE FOR YEARS

* SAID OM HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DEPARTURE AND WOULD HAVE LEFT ANYWAYS


REvisionist BS

Quote:
SAID THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT OUR SONS TO HAVE A REPLACEMENT MOTHER

* SAID SHE NEVER FELT NUMBER ONE WITH ME

* TOLD ME THAT SHE USED TO LOVE ME "SO F*CKING MUCH"

* SAID WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE AGAIN

* TOLD ME TO NOT TELL HER HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER ANYMORE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS

* ACCUSED ME OF LYING TO HER FOR YEARS

* SAID SHE WAS TIRED OF FEELING UNIMPORTANT TO ME


She wants to come back but is scared she cannot regain the feeling (although unbeknownst to her it is bubbling inside already) and scared you would not forgive her.

She is "spinning" in a big way. This is the stage of maximum confusion. Sometimes they break out of it and return to the relationship - sometimes they get too scared of the mess they have made and just move on to another guy.

IF you want her back - BIG IF - DON'T make the mistake of acting eager or reading too much into this. Think about trying to get a squirrel to eat out of your hand - if you are too enthusiastic you scare them off. Sounds like you've already made it plenty clear enough that you could forgive her. You might want to validate how unloved she felt in the relationship and mention how that was never your intention and you regret that. Then keep dating and moving forward with your life - if you suddenly stop dating and start waiting around for her, she will sense it and be scared off. But if she sees that she better pull her act together if she doesn't want to lose you to another woman - she might move forward through the process.

Stay calm, tread lightly, don't get your hopes up, but allow her to spin and process.

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Thanks everyone. I agree that I did get sucked in and that she is nowhere near going to counseling. I also agree with kml in certain areas.

Now I may have a bigger problem:

I have reason to believe that she may have seen my posts on this site.

What do I do now?

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
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Tad,

What makes you think she saw your posts?

Do you believe she can access anytime she wants or did you leave something open that you think she saw?

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Wow Tad. KML's ability to translate the language barrier between MLCer and LBS is exemplary. Listen to him, and maybe it will help you not to feel so lost in the storm.

first of all don't beat yourself up for getting sucked back in, ok? Guess what? It happens! After the things she said, I would've gotten sucked in too!

You still love this woman, and you have compassion for the maximum confusion she's going throuugh. You wish to express that to her, at the same time you must protect yourself. At the same time you're legally divorced, and have been working towards moving forward with your own life. As your trying to do this, then BOOM she pulls that!

I agree with KML. Move forward, but keep the door ajar.... if you wish to. Ok, the worst is over, you are legally divorced. However a piece of paper and legalities don't sever the emotional and mental ties that still bind you. 26 years of marriage and 4 children is serious history.

I agree that she needs to be in a much better place, in acceptance of what her actions have done to everyone around her, before she'd be ready to go to counseling. I would hope counseling could help her make it to the finish line of MLC.

Take Care. Be as strong as you can. And when you can't we're still here.


M=42 XH=44
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XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

I have reason to believe that she may have seen my posts on this site.

What do I do now?

Tad


As someone that has had my wife chase me all over the internet.
My wife is a member of this website and at least 3 others that I am on, my question to you is:
so what?

Have you wrote anything here that is untrue or that you do not want to stand by?

You are divorced from her.
Start living your life and let her live hers.
She is realizing that you are moving forward with your life and she is losing control of you.

If you are truly concerned that posting is a bad idea, there are ways around that too.
Contact me and I will let you know how.
But not here since that would violate the TOS.

But what is she going to learn here that is so terrible.
Re-read your posts and decide that.
It will be a good thing to see how much you have changed since you got here.
She also may be starting to change.
I agree somewhat with KML that this may not be a bad thing, but you must continue to let her control the contact and remain detached.

NO PURSUIT.

Anyways that is my .02 for this morning.


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Thank you Seeking, Kimmerz and Cadet.

Cadet, I haven't written anything on here that is untrue. So like you said, so what. The only thing is....she will see everyone on here telling me how absolutely batchit crazy she is. I may contact you on the alt. I will see what happens.

Seeking, to answer your question: many months ago when this all started she said that she had seen the website I was talking about that explained the 6 stages of MLC. I really didn't think anything of it then. On Thursday night I posted on here:

Also, everytime she would say something to give me hope, she would say somthing to shoot it down. Or....she would say something to shoot me down and then say something to give me hope.

On Friday, we had the following text exchange:

M: I will be a little late picking up S16 on Sunday.

W: Like when exactly?

M: 7:00-7:30

W: Why?

M: Work.

W: On Sunday?

M: Yeah. Overtime as we get ready for the holidays.

She then proceeded to tell me what a piece of work that I was and accused me of playing mind games and lying to her all of the time.

Then she sends the following:

I want to be CLEAR, there is no future hope for us, nor have I said anything to make you think that.

It could just be a coincidence, but who knows?

My God she is so mean.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Thank you Seeking, Kimmerz and Cadet.

Cadet, I haven't written anything on here that is untrue. So like you said, so what. The only thing is....she will see everyone on here telling me how absolutely batchit crazy she is. I may contact you on the alt. I will see what happens.

Seeking, to answer your question: many months ago when this all started she said that she had seen the website I was talking about that explained the 6 stages of MLC. I really didn't think anything of it then. On Thursday night I posted on here:

Also, everytime she would say something to give me hope, she would say somthing to shoot it down. Or....she would say something to shoot me down and then say something to give me hope.

On Friday, we had the following text exchange:

M: I will be a little late picking up S16 on Sunday.

W: Like when exactly?

M: 7:00-7:30

W: Why?

M: Work.

W: On Sunday?

M: Yeah. Overtime as we get ready for the holidays.

She then proceeded to tell me what a piece of work that I was and accused me of playing mind games and lying to her all of the time.

Then she sends the following:

[b]I want to be CLEAR, there is no future hope for us, nor have I said anything to make you think that.


It could just be a coincidence, but who knows?

My God she is so mean.[/b]

Tad


she's clear in her way, Tad. She's batchit crazy and possessive and has the gall to demand she not be replaced


as if her voluntary absence from the home and her sons should cost her nothing.

SHE "quit that job," so she has some nerve telling you to keep the vacancy open, indefinitely, in case she wants back in...(Oh BUT WAIT, NO she does NOT want back in and never will and never gave you any reason to think she would...)


I hope she DOES read this site. I'd like to meet her...in person...if I were armed...

Seriously though, Tad, what would it take for YOU to "get" into your head that this woman

is nowhere near ready for ANY healthy r's with ANY man?


Do you get that now?? What would it take to convince you?

I hope you are getting to the point where your answer is,

"I get it. I see it. I can face it now and she is a lost soul. And not my problem, not my fault, not my responsibility."

Tad you only have one life. Maybe your w will get healthy and kind some day. Maybe reality won't force her to collapse and she'll face the path of destruction she has wreaked upon others

and maybe she'll be able to forgive herself

and maybe she'll move forward...but until IF and WHEN that happens -know


There ARE women out there who are smart, rational, loving and kind.

Why slog through eternity waiting for this EX wife to NOT get it,

when you can move forward with a woman who's healthy enough to give and receive love?


It's possible your w will wake up when SHE realizes that's true...but why wait and hope for that?

Go with what IS...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Tad,

Maybe it is a coincidence, but it sounds like more of the same to me. She tosses out a few crumbs to get your hopes up and then yanks the rug out from under you once again.

I pray that you know that when we sound harsh it is for no other reason than to try to get you to see the pattern that has developed with her and wanting you to don your armor to protect yourself and your heart.

It sounds to me like when she's been vulnerable with you and starts to open up it scares her and then she rushes back to slam the door shut to make sure you don't get in.

Don't get sucked in again. Detach and live your life. Move forward. You don't ever have to give up hope if you don't want to, but don't let it keep you from learning and growing. You will absolutely know for sure if your XW emerges from the tunnel and has faced her issues and owned her part in the breakdown of the M. She has to do it on her own, you can not help her. Know that every time you allow yourself to get sucked in it actually slows down her journey through the tunnel.

BTW, if she had seen some of the things that we have written here, I doubt she could hold back enough not to spew some of what has been said back at you.

Just remember, we're walking beside you and we care.

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