take all that in please. Instead of reacting to it instinctively which is to hold yourself harmless in all this and blame it all on your w--
don't.
No way is your w solely responsible for financial mismanagement of the family.
Know why? B/C if she were solely responsible, you let her be.
So no more of that stuff. And speaking as a woman who likes to think of herself as independent and a bit of a women's libber but with some traditional values in there too...
it strkes me as unattractive to be m to a man willing to live in MILs home for good. And who never takes responsibility for investing or saving for anything...or who never helps me meet my goals as a team.
If all you did was say "no" then she probably felt she HAD to "take" the money and spend it.
In any case, You can't continue to blame others for having no savings, or living paycheck to paycheck. I fail to see how you can do that even now.
Why didn't you open an IRA or contribute to a retirement account? If you say "b/c we could not afford to", I'll slap my forehead. No one can afford NOT to save, it's personal finance 101. Pay yourself first (savings) and then pay bills and spend on fun things.
and if you say "She would not let me"
I'll screw my head in the ceiling. Even if you believe it's true, that she did "not let" you do these things that adults and MEN do for their families (it's called "providing" for) then can you see why she's not attracted to that part of you? I mean it's NOT masculine to let your w do all the spending for decades, save nothing on your own, live in her family's home for free?? and then blame her for the finances... Dig deeper my friend, and be brave about it.
The ONE thing all the success stories have here, is that the LBSer owned way more of the problems in the r, after being here awhile, than when we began-- We all arrived here feeling victimized. In some ways we all were. But I think the LBSers who changed the most, succeeded the most.
Stop focussing on her and start on you and YOUR work...and only yours.
Besides, There's clearly a bright side to this coming. And I think you being financially solvent, & with your own place finally, will do wonders for your self esteem and how your family sees you.
Don't underestimate the value of that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Broken, just mirroring what 25, mach, and j3b said...
Mach mentioned something about sometimes the LBS has to hit rock bottom, too... I know that one... I didn't have to choose it, but my pity party and the position I put myself in... well, they've led me to a place that no one should have to be in... did I need to do this? No... but I certainly have learned... more than I would have were this all "easy"...
You had mentioned in your last post that you were going to get a job so you could show your W you could make it on your own steam...
I do not want to be a martyr, but I'll tell you... I am where I am because I need to prove to MYSELF that I can do thins on my own... I know I will gain a great deal of respect for myself and an appreciation for everything that I have from this point forward...
Just checking in to give you all an update. I know some questions were asked by some of you and I WILL get to them soon. Im not avoiding them or brushing them off.
I hope all of you are well.
My lawyer and I have sat down and talked and I have recently filled out all the necessary paper for the D. When I saw my kids names on those papers, man was it hard. I feel like everything Ive put up with for the last year hit me again X 10!
When W as contact by her lawyer letting her know that I have retained a lawyer of my own, W called me and her tone in her voice was like the W I once knew. I had to stop and make sure I was talking to the right person.
W told me “ I can imagine all the horrible things you said about me to your lawyer”. Actually, I really didn’t have to say anything. I just showed him all of her nasty texts.
She then told me “ I hope you didn’t misunderstand anything that happened within the last year. I really didn’t do anything wrong. After all, we were separated. It was wrong for me to get into a R with OM. Ive decided to just concentrate on the kids. So, how do you see the future between you and I? I hope you know that Im not going to fight you. Please just don’t do anything in regards to the kids. Don’t try to take them from me. You can do what you want to me, just leave them alone”
I told her that I DID NOT have the intentions of taking them away. I really don’t want to put them through that.
Later that week, I went to see my babies and low and behold, OM is STILL there. That’s when I acknowledged my gut feeling when I thought to myself that everything she said was a big LIE AND AN ACT!
I had spoken to her cousin about the recent events. I had told her cousin what my W had said.
W called her cousin a couple of days ago. When her cousin asked her about what W said, as expected, W DENIED IT ALL!
When Halloween came, my kids came to me asking me to buy their costumes. (W told me SHE was buying them) When I asked why didn’t mommy buy the costumes, they told me that she claimed that she didn’t have enough $ to buy it because W bought hers and OM costumes!
I’ll be honest, when I heard that, I felt a very dark could come over me and just about every bit of evil though ran through my head. It took divine intervention to keep me from doing something that would land me in JAIL!
Thank God for the power of prayer!
Kids have been asking me allot lately that why hasn’t God answered their prayers about mommy and daddy coming back together again. The only answer I could give them is that its all on HIS time. Just keep the faith.
Recently, I was baptized. IT FELT GREAT! Our church is like one BIG family. When I went under and came out, I heard a big ROAR! Friends and church members were cheering and giving a standing ovation. WOW!
Before we get baptized, they play a small video about why we chose to get baptized. I was told that my testimony was very inspirational.
I had recently found out the OM has two kids of his own. A 25 yr old kid with two kids that is trying to move in with a 38 yr old woman with 3 kids and a mother in law??? If hes not around for his own kids, what makes her think hes going to be anything worth a damn to mine?
I promise to answer the questions Mach and 25 have asked me soon. For now, got more legal stuff to do.
Have a great week everyone!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I just found out that he came off the boat from Cuba a couple of years ago, has a kid of his own and he’s a dishwasher at a local restaurant.
Yep, that gamma radiation is really starting to flow now….
Last night, my S13 had to be taken to the ER. He was bitten by a bug and his hand got swollen. This was the first time in close to a year that W and I were in room together for more than an hour. It was REALLY awkward. She doesn’t even look like her anymore. She has gotten SO thin. She looks really unhealthy.
Last night it hit me how sad this situation has gotten. Feels like so many years has been flushed down the toilet.
Im really angry at the fact she moved this guy in. We are not even divorced yet!
I disagreed with this and of course, she doesn’t care. She thinks this guy is Gods answer to all her problems. She claims that the kids are VERY happy with him and have become attached to him.
Of course, they tell me a different story. They say hes a nice guy, but they are not happy with the current sitch.
I can’t believe MIL is even accepting this whole mess.
I really tried to hold on but, now I can see why most MLC situations end up in divorce. The damage is UNREAL!
I was talking to the kids recently on the phone and they wanted me to pick them up from the softball game that she had taken them to. I heard W make a comment to them saying “ Ive spent my whole life doing things for your guys! Now its my turn!”
I don’t see her EVER coming out of this…
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Its been a bit since Ive checked in. I’ve been real busy with all the holiday stuff and church rehearsals.
I hope that everyone on this forum, despite of all the emotional turmoil that MLC causes, is getting by with a little holiday cheer.
As far as my sitch goes, Im seeing some changes. And let me tell you all, having the right legal advice makes ALL the difference in the WORLD!
If I knew then what I know now, I would of already been living in my OWN apt. All the right legal info backed me up in taking a stand against her bullying. Once this happened, her demeanor started changing. Her venom spewing is still there, but the difference is, it doesn’t phase me in the slightest bit! When she starts her nasty texts, I just don’t reply. When she calls, CLICK! I just hang up.
So, once she saw that her spewing stopped affecting me, she started grasping for straws! She started using the kids again.
She started telling me that they hate me! That Im a dead beat father and they love OM more than me. LOL, of course, when they are with me, it’s a total different story. Actually, the kids ask me NOT to take them because they rather stay with me!
When she saw that her new tactic didn’t work, she started sending OM outside to interact with me!
Guys, it was the most HILARIOUS scene I have ever witnessed.
OM (26 yrs old) Steps out of the house with W behind him telling him to “GO, TALK TO HIM”.
OM looks back at her with an expression on his face that screams “Please! Don’t make me do this! I don’t want to die!”.
OM walks out holding their new puppy in his arms and approaches me. As he’s getting closer, the deer in the head lights look gets bigger and bigger! I get closer and he stops around 8 feet away from me and says “ Hi, this is my new puppy”.
LMAO! I really had to hold it in!
Then he said “ Im going to mate her when she gets older. I’ll give you a puppy if you want…”
I simply replied, No thanks…
He said “ok, well, I got to go. Merry Xmas”.
When I looked, W was watching from the window upstairs.
I believe shes starting to see my confidence return and nothing that she says or does is not affecting me in anyway.
Now, every time she interacts with me via texts or phone, she starts her the convo with…
Hi, do you mind if…
How’s everything?
Can you do me a favor?
Please, can you….
Also, whenever I drop of the kids, I see her at the window with her little fingers bringing down the shades to see me.
At times, she also tries to come outside with OM holding his hand and trying to make a spectacle of herself. You can tell OM is TOTALLY uncomfortable with it!
It seems to me like shes making him do it. When I see this, my inner strength grows more and more knowing that its not bothering me in the slightest.
When I spoke to my lawyer the other day, he told me that she never filed for the D and that it didn’t make any sense to him what W was trying to do.
When I asked W why didn’t she file, she replied that since I got the hot shot lawyer, that its should be ME filing for it!
I told her “ Absolutley NOT! You wanted this, so you file! You are going to be held accountable for this not me!”
She replied with “You are always lecturing me like Im a child. Stop patronizing me”
With that said, I left the ball in her court.
Night before last, I was at a friend’s house doing a gift exchange and I got a text that said “Please hear this song”.
Here are the lyrics to the song she sent me….
Title is “Monster you made”
"Monster You Made" Take a good look at me now Do you still recognize me Am I so different inside This world is trying to change me And I admit I don't want to change with it And I admit I can't go on like this anymore
Erase this monster I've become Forgive me for all the damage done It's not over Say it's not over I'm begging for mercy I'm only the monster you made me
I'm better alone now See I'm torn from my mistakes And I stop believing that I could ever make things change How much can I take When I know that it hurts you How long can I wait When I cant go on like this anymore
Erase this monster I've become Forgive me for all the damage done It's not over Say it's not over I'm begging for mercy I'm only the monster you made me
Because who I am Isn't who I used to be And I'm not invincible I'm not indestructible I'm only human Can't you see The beauty in me
Take a good look at me now Can't you see I've changed
Erase this monster I've become Forgive me for all the damage done It's not over Say it's not over I'm begging for mercy I'm only the monster you made me
Far away through the pain I hear the angels calling Far away through the pain I see my demons falling
Far away through the pain I hear the angels calling Far away through the pain I see my demons falling
Erase this Erase this Erase this monster you made me
I really don’t get it. She is claiming that she is the happiest shes ever been. Her and other man are plastered all over the internet and she also told me that shes very in love with him. OH WELL…..
Im just continuing in my merry little way doing my GAL stuff.
Im getting ready for my mission trip to Haiti in a couple of months and Im going shopping today for my sponsored child in Guatemala. Hopefully, Ill meet her soon as well.
My GAL’s are just trying to be the best dad I can be, get in better shape and help out as many people in church that are going through the same thing I am. When I listen to their story, Its very true whats said on this forum… All stories are the same, yet very unique and they ALL have the same darn script!
To everyone, have a wonderful holiday!
God bless!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Don’t try to…you never will get it. As for the song, IMO, she is just trying to reel you back in. Stay strong buddy. Keep being the man that you want to be. Let her go and leave her in her crisis…..she may continue to look your way, cause you are probably the light that she sees. As that light dims…maybe just maybe she will look inside herself. Listen to YOUR lawyer..while at the same time be honest with yourself in terms of what YOU want. This is after all……..YOUR life!
Happy Holidays Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I had a heart to heart with the kids yesterday. They are telling me that they are not happy. They miss their dad and they want me home. They told me that OM is nice but, they want me back me home. They tried to convey this to their mom and her reply was “ I spent years taking care of you guys, now its my turn to be happy!”
What a comment to tell your kids that right now, are such in a crucial development stage.
If this is really an MLC, it came at a REAL bad time. I know, I know, there is never really a “good time” for it to come…
S13 is becoming very withdrawn, D10 is becoming very attached to me, and really doesn’t like being home, S4 is having angry outbursts and is becoming physically aggressive.
All monies that I have been giving W has stopped as of 3 months ago. Everything that the kids need, I buy myself.
Once the money had stopped, the venom spewing became worse. But hey, she was calling me every dirty name in the book even when I was giving her money…
Now, the personality changes are becoming more and more obvious…
One moment she’s calling me a pathetic excuse for a human being, the next, she asking me to buy her earrings, bracelets and teddy bears.
Um, what does she have her man for?
This past weekend, W almost got in a car accident. She had texted me in the morning telling me what happened and that its all my fault because she says that I’m wishing bad things upon her. W is still (voluntarily) not working even though she has a master’s degree. She’s dropped out of school and physically looking terrible. She randomly texts me stories of things that are happening to her which are all lies.
Friends and family are telling she deserves everything that’s happening to her. I, for one, am really scared and worried for her and my children.
I remain going to counseling and still am very active at church and concentrating on getting physically better.
I’m praying that she comes out of this soon. Not for me, but for our kids and her well being. I’m really hoping that we can get along in a civil manner in the future. I’ve been forgiving her every day.
Sometimes, I feel like my 20 years with her was a dream. Hopefully, I will see her again sometime.
Stay well everyone…
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
As for the GAL I hope you will push your comfort zone more & meet more people and do new things, b/c it speeds up our growth and gets us to not stay stagnant.
What are your changes, btw?
why would your w believe that marriage to you now, would be better or different than before?
(Simply put, if she does not believe it would be better, she won't want back in.)
How are you revealing this new way, to her?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
