I just had a thought, what if our spouses who decided to find a way back were reading the same "Save My Marriage" books as we are? We could could be DB-ing and NC-ing each other to no effect?
My wife has recently been acting like she's been reading Divorce busters, short of actually seeing a copy of it in her apartment ( where I've never been) how would anyone know?
Without 'seeing' the book, or hearing key words...
"cheeseless tunnels" from DB for example, you wouldn't.
The NC on her part? More of a pipedream on your part, that it is from the book. Not being mean, I've read your other posts and you hit the nail on the head about logical vs illogical patterns...
Right now, you're trying to apply logic to the illogical. And if you both were doing NC? You could bring it up and say: "Why are we both doing this, it's silly" and then hug and hold hands, instant fix...and they don't exist outside of God touching her forhead or some sort of ammensia inducing accident.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It might sound like wishful thing and probably is. The reason I brought it up was because my wife "normally" was very methodical and is a voracious reader. Our house is full of books we've bought to deal with issues from breast feeding to health issues and troubled teens. It would not surprise me at all if she had a lucid/ second guessing moment she might just check out the "self help" rack at the local Starbucks/Chapters bookstore, which the kids tell me she visits weekly ( she takes them out for coffee and treats).
We both did the "going dark' early on, which I know was genuine pain and not DB, now it's at the "Act as if" stage where we talk at one another like everything's fine, best face on it, make eye contact etc., but keep conversation short. It's all very strange.
Hang in there with the posting I asked that you be unmodderated. It will just take a few days for it to kick in. I'll do my best to check often an approve them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
what if our spouses who decided to find a way back were reading the same "Save My Marriage" books as we are? We could could be DB-ing and NC-ing each other to no effect?
What the book tries to teach us, is to back off, and to give our spouse time to figure out who they are and what they want.
Essentially.....to detach from their craziness, and to deal with it rationally instead of emotionally...
Most of us here, at one time or another, have wondered if our spouses have taken a look through the DB books.
Although what we see and hear is new to us, their level of detachment is not new to them....they have taken their whole life to get to this point.
What you will find down the line is, that most MLCers have an attention span of a gnat, in regards to anything that deeply emotional.
I would speculate that the dis-interest in "healing" from a MLCer would be pretty high.
Which makes our MLCers, natural DBers...
Unless you are hearing specific words and terms...I wouldn't lose any sleep wondering.
We don't talk enough yet to get many words in to check out the theory, but I'll keep that in mind. When we do talk I try and keep it short,end it first. So far I've always been on my way out and very well groomed (New wardrobe, new haircut, mustache of 20 years duration shaved off) when we do cross paths. I could of sworn she was actually "Checking me out" the last time she was here, I got the raised eyebrow look. I was on my way out to a Art Gallery "Black Tie" type event, dressed in way she hasn't seen me in probably 15 years.
Just a mini rant. Spent a couple of hours in a bookstore today and was overwhelmed by what's available on the relationship front. Leafed through a bunch of them and got very discouraged about just how selfish and hateful loving couples can become. The idea of two people who came together and got through all the world could throw at them only to end up strangers seems so pointless.. Makes me wonder why I even bother to be a decent human being.
Makes me wonder why I even bother to be a decent human being.
Ummmmm because actually that is what we are put on the planet to be??? Maybe your journey is to figure out who you are and who and what you truly want to be. Put the focus on yourself.
And on the books front, if your wife is actually reading self help books then I would suspect she isn't in MLC. Most, if not all, MLCers think there is nothing whatsoever wrong with them.
The idea of my xh reading a self help book makes me smile at the sheer unlikelihood of it. He genuinely thinks [or used to think] his family are nuts, and we all need help.
