Well, I feel a parent should never try to plan their child's future. If the child does what the parent wants, and doesn't love his work, he will be bitter against the parent. Let him do the career he wants to do, if he does what he loves he will be happy, isn't that all we should want for them? And he can always change his mind if he doesn't like it. My H worked since he was a teenager in a job he liked, then after years of it, the place changed hands, and he no longer liked it there. So, he told no one but me, and applied for the police department. When we finally told people after he was accepted, they were shocked, and thought he couldn't or shouldn't do it. Well, here we are 15 yrs later, and he still loves it. I totally supported him in doing something he all his life wanted to do, but only decided to do it because of his company changing hands.
So, if you don't feel your H will talk to you again if you file for D, then talk to him BEFORE you file. Get him involved in your life again. Ask him to go with you to pick out the car. Ask him to meet with you to talk about something to do with your S. Ask him to go somewhere with you and S. Smile at him, be sweet and nice to him. See if there could be a spark reignited between you two again. Once those papers are signed, he is free to marry ow, isn't he? You have to help yourself. Your H might not be the type to get an epiphany one day and crawl back home, begging for forgiveness. Maybe help him see why he should even think about it. It's been a long time, if not now, when? I get that you were devastated 2 years ago, but you can't stay at that point forever, can you?
Please think about it, rysmom, a lot of people here care about you, and what happens.
My son wants to major in film making. I hope there will be jobs for that though.
There are a ton of jobs in film making and more forms of it as well. There are "Films" on the web, TV shows, and feature films and industrials and shorts...there are MORE forms of "film" now than before.
My son25 is an actor in NYC. He went to NYU's Tisch School of Performing Arts.
In high school, He won acting awards and we knew he and d22 were exceptional if I say so myself. But He had excellent grades, almost perfect SATs and was a state wrestling champion too. So He could have gone anywhere or majored in anything.
I was afraid for him choosing such an unpredictable field as acting, b/c the life of an artist will always face challenges with money & commerce. I get that. But a college degree means something so in a way our son "compromised" by not dropping out to audition but instead to get formal conservatory training and a BFA, & that's all we could ask.
But I also believe in my son's talent. Don't you feel your son has some? Has he been interested in films before now?
Our son has a passion for what he does, and he's branched out into film making too. He is getting work, he has not borrowed from us, and he's really engaged in what he's doing. THAT is enough for me.
IF the time comes for him to have a family, he'll do what he needs to do. I think he'll continue to grow a career that will enable him to love his work and pay his bills.
That's enough. Not fame or fortune but what 95% of successful working actors do--pay their bills, get and enjoy their work, and hope to do work that is respected by their peers.
As far as wealth and being practical, you are off base there, empirically. You may be as surprised as I was, to learn that--
Mitch Albom quoted a 20 year Yale study of students who chose to
either 1) earn enough money first so they could follow their passions later...
OR
2) those who followed their passions first and worried about money either not at all, or later.
20 years passed and 87% of the wealthiest graduates had been in the 2nd group.
By following their passion (like Steve Jobs, George Lucas, James Cameron, Bill Gates, Brad Pitt, etc) the graduates found they were putting in long hours b/c they LOVED what they were doing and they found they excelled at it...and being among the best at something you love - tends to make you plenty of money...
i suggested he minor in that, and go into something medical. but he said he is not going to do something he doesnt like his whole life. Assuming he was respectful when he spoke to you, I say God bless him for standing up for what he believes and wanting more out of life than "a job"...I admire him for wanting to follow his passion.
Just ask him to take an economics class so he understands money & government class, so he understands power in this nation, and he'll be a happier man.
i told him its a different world now you cant just think of what you like you have to go for where the jobs will be. would you rather live in poverty or have a job you kind of like, what would cause more pain. RM, I think that mindset is coming from your depression. It's the saddest thing I have heard someone tell a young man. Ask what would bring more JOY and fulfillment? Do you see how upside down your view point must seem to HIM, if he's just 18 and I find it depressing and I'm close to your age? OMG please see this...
The Russian inlaw who said to my son 'Oh you want to be an actor...good luck being foolish" is hated by our entire family. When he asks about a play our son is in (his won a top award last August, btw) we want to know why he'd even ask...such cynicism b/c that inlaw is a bitter miserable man who's kids and ex w don't speak to him. Now our son doesn't want to either....RM, wake up and hear how you sound. I KNOW you mean well but think about your motives...
what are you afraid of? Your son will attend a fine university and get a degree. Who cares what it's in? He simply needs a college degree for most careers ---except the one he's interested in-yet he's willing to go to school!
In our youth -- we MUST have dreams and we hope to meet some of them and just getting half way there is success and happiness...but if we are not even allowed to have dreams...
we're really doomed to a life that has set such a low bar that getting half way there means being miserable.
There are days I wish s25 had more stable work. And I wish he'd move out here too. (Still hoping- but only if it's what's best for HIM)...
but studying drama or film means studying the human condition.
Not many fields exclude that so your son will benefit regardless of what he ends up doing. Geez RM, your son may film something that changes people's minds/hearts about a war, or a cause dear to yours, or a romance...
And your son will enter a field rich with opportunity if he's not insisting on being in front of the camera. There are tons of avenues for work...
As for the medical field, I thought that you were the one in radiology tech school...does he even have an interest in medicine?
Plus my h is an MD. He has work galore and if you don't count his hours, he's paid well. But we married young so I got to witness the whole process of college and med school and residency and fellowship....his getting there was a miserable march through relentlessly long hours of brutal working conditions, high divorce rates, stress & substance abuse...none of our children are pursuing medicine as a career and <10% of MDs surveyed said they'd want their kids to go into medicine...
No one who doesn't really really want it, should be there. OR will last...
Be careful what you wish for.
I think once i file for d, h is no longer going to talk to me. once he starts down a road like the one with ow, he continues down it , i know thats how he is. I know it was a mistake to tell him to leave 2 yrs ago, cuz ow really got her claws in him by moving in with him, i was just devastated at the time, that he went back to her, after being back home for 2 yrs.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
i will support my sons decision. im was just worried he might not find work. he could never get in NYU but there is a college near us that has a good program for film but they only take 2500 applicants out of 16,000 so i dont know if he will get in. he wants to stay home but there are no other colleges in this area that have a good program for that. I have been feeling down lately. i dont have much support with separation situation. i know i should join a group but i get panic attacks in that situation, but i know i should. i am really worried about losing my house if h and ow are planning there future.
If that is the school he wants to get in, the he should talk to his counselors to see how to really beef up his chances, get recommendations from teachers and his counselor. We just went through exactly the same thing this time last year. My S only applied to one school, even though he got letters from all over, wanting to give him money. He got in the school he wanted. And he loves it. He was in gifted classes from the second grade, so he's a real smart kid, but he is also funny as heck. I always said he was like a young Robin Williams, goofy as can be. So, with a perfect GPA, high SAT scores, bright future as a lawyer, if he had wanted to go into acting, I would have totally supported it, and helped him find a way to make it happen. But, one agreement we always had, college comes first. And, since his school's performing arts dept. is the best in the state, he wins again, if he wants to go into that instead, or even minor in it.
My H's cousin's D wanted to go to the school that 25yrs loves, haha, but everyone on that side of the family pooh poohed her dream, I told her if that's really what she wanted, she would find a way to make it happen. She did, and graduated and now works for CNN.
My sister always picks at my H's choice of cities to work for as a policeman, but what is funny is that her own S has decided to follow in his uncle's footsteps, and work for the same city.
I say all this to tell you to not only just accept his choice, but to love it, too, and to wholeheartedly enter into it, and do all within your power to make it happen for him. You want above all for his happiness as a grown up man, who doesn't have to regret his life's work.
I know you are feeling down, and don't want to attend a group meeting with other separated people. I don't think I would, either. It may be different with only one or two others, if you knew any other ladies who have gotten separated, probably ones you know from church or school. If you are worried about losing your house, then get the conversation going with your H. I know you keep saying IF they are planning a future together; well they are living it as though there was no rysmom. They may be as happy as clams. I guess, since you make no real moves any way at all, it could go on this way for twenty years more. What are you going to do in three or five or ten years? If you would at least get the ball rolling on having contact with him. What are you afraid of? What is the worst that could happen if you do begin to try to see and speak to him more? What's the worst that could happen if you let things continue as they are now? You said you had health problems that prevent you from working a full time job. How serious are they? You may have to get a full time job one day, just to prepare for your retirement. You at least need to pay into Social Security if you are counting on that. And for it to take until Fall 2012 to get to take the class you want is really strange. Can't you take that course elsewhere, and transfer the credits over? May I ask how you spend your days? do you still work part time? How did your Algebra class go?
i dont want him to reject me, and if he has gotten into more evil and dark stuff i dont know if i could live with that. I am still going to school for the radiology, im taking algebra now. The word problems are really difficult, i was never good at them. This is the last class i need before getting into the radiology program. they only accept applications every March and the classes start in Sept. I own a dog walking pet sitting business. I have clients whos dogs i walk everyday and i have my class 2 times a week, and play tennis often. I have been doing alot to get the house ready for the winter. im going to coat my driveway and power wash my house. i had a guy come on sat. and he repaired my front steps. i was proud of myself for getting that done on my own, h usually arranged stuff like that. i power washed the steps too, and now they look really nice. i played tennis tonight for 2 and a half hours with a group it was alot of fun.
You will never know what could happen until you try. He may say no, but what if he says yes? Baby steps, you know. Ask for one little thing from him at a time. Like going to look at cars together. We are all afraid of rejection, but never to try to connect with someone is worse than that. That's why most of us are here, to try to reconnect with our spouse who has rejected us. I had my pride and fear to overcome.
What kind of evil and dark stuff do you think he has gotten into? Heavy metal music isn't all bad. Beards and tattoos aren't bad. Do you think Jesus was clean shaven? Can you accept your H back with a beard and tattoos? Can you tolerate his music? Or would you turn on him because you think he is doing evil? Have you ever read 1Corinthians 7:14? I feel it is a very important verse. Important for those of us who think because we are "religious" we are somehow above our spouses. It is our example of our religion that they see, and if they see us as self-righteous, they want to run the other way. I never threw up how religious I was to my H, during his MLC, and you know what? He never stopped going to church with us, and still goes. I like to think he saw a biblical example of a Christian woman in me, rather than one who wanted to show him how bad HE was, even when he and ow were telling themselves they thought God wanted them to be together.
I need to follow your example and get our house ready for the winter. I need to get some weatherstripping done. And doing something with the steps. What does coating your driveway do?
Now, I get it about your schooling. Is your S good in Algebra? Let him help you with it. Kids can be good teachers. vc
i will support my sons decision. im was just worried he might not find work. he could never get in NYU but there is a college near us that has a good program for film but they only take 2500 applicants out of 16,000 so i dont know if he will get in. he wants to stay home but there are no other colleges in this area that have a good program for that. Have you checked a school there called "School of Visual Arts" (or similar)? It has a good reputation and it's considered a great value b/c it's respected while still being affordable.
I have been feeling down lately. i dont have much support with separation situation. i know i should join a group but i get panic attacks in that situation, but i know i should. i am really worried about losing my house if h and ow are planning there future.
I don't know what to say here. The panic attacks are not going to go away by themselves. Either you overcome them or you medicate for them, but you cannot let them control you so much, imo.
As for losing property--on one hand I DO believe your h is planning a life with OW...OTOH that doesn't mean you couldn't change things but YOU would have to CHANGE THINGS...as vc says.
If your efforts are fruitless then yes, protect yourself. But you know that already and we've been over it.
Glad you are doing some GAL things. I forced myself to sign up for one new seminar or class or join one club or do one activity that was new and involved others...at least monthly.
Eventually, I had signed up for a lot and was BUSY... I GAL LIKE A MANIAC and I posted about that to you before. I don't think your depression will signficantly or sustainably lift without you pushing yourself OUT there.
Sometimes we want to "feel like it" inside, BEFORE we go out of our comfort zones...but that's not usually how it works.
Usually we have to just make ourselves go out there and JOIN and INCLUDE ourselves in others lives, and we reach out and we meet and we connect and then...we are not alone.
We have GAL! Sometimes you have to make things happen externally to make us happy internally. (Outside in) Kind of like how some actors do their work to access an unavailable emotion...
(VC - that's a Brad Pitt tip!!Yeah, that's right. Go watch Thelma and Louise and watch HIM!)
they go dancing to feel up and happy or learn to salsa to get out of their heads and into their bodies, ..a lot of this is about overcoming fears. Our son is so NOT inhibited now, when it comes to dancing or moving whereas he was such a typical adolescent male before training.
RM, you have a lot of those things...fears. Too many for a happy soul. When you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
first you fill the cracks on the asphalt driveway, with filler from home depot, and and then seal the driveway with the sealer stuff.there are video on youtube how to do it. it makes driveway last longer and makes it look new again.driveways are expensive to replace so its a good thing to do. my FIL taught me how to do alot of things around the house like that.
I will have to look into that as we have several cracks in ours and grass is coming up through them. And my S and I both love do it yourself projects. My FIL knew how to do a lot of stuff, too. I miss him, I know you miss your FIL, too.
I hope you are having a nice morning. It's a cloudy day here, a bit dreary, but I love these sort of Fall mornings. Have you thought about what sort of car you want? Maybe text your H, before you call him to ask his opinion.
I really hate for you to let the opportunity pass you by to reconnect with him. But, if you feel you will have no regrets if you don't try, then don't.
